It's Good to be a Man

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours. 

Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

Chocolate is just another snack. 

You can be president. 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 

Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut. 

The world is your urinal. I love this one... 

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking. 

Same work... more pay. 

Wrinkles add character. 

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

One mood, ALL the time. 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

You know stuff about tanks. 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

You can open all your own jars. 

You can leave the motel bed unmade. 

You can kill your own food. 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack. 

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 

Everything on your face stays its original color. 

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. 

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking 'He's mad at me.' 

You don't mooch off other's desserts. 

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 

You don't have to shave below your neck. 

Your belly usually hides your big hips. 

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 

You can 'do' your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth. 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." 

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works. 

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." 

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." 

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?" 

"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." 

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." 

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." 

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" 

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." 

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." 

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." 

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." 

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Women Speak

What Woman Say vs. What Women Really Mean

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? ... really means, "There is no way I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... really means, "without you in it."

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?... really means, "We haven't had a fight in a while."

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.... really means, "you cheap slob!"

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. ... really means, "I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? ... really means, "I can't believe you have nothing planned!"

COME HERE. ... really means, "My puppy does this, too."

I LIKE YOU, BUT... really means, "I don't like you."

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.... really means, "just not in that way."

YOU NEVER LISTEN. ... really means, "You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. ... really means, "I'm not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.... really means, "I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will."

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. ... really means, "I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going Dutch."

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. .... really means, "We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

Men won't say

Let's watch Lifetime!

Sex is overrated.

I don't want to go too far on the first date.

Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.

There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.

I'm glad I don't have a large thing between my legs.       

 

My hips are too big.

Aw, can't we watch Oprah?

Does this suit make me look fat?

I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.