What Men Say ... What Men Mean

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas." 

"Woman driver."
Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me." 

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." 

"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling. 

"Good idea."
Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating." 

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill." 

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead." 

"I got a lot done."
Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture." 

"We're going to be late."
Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." 

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972." 

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too." 

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means.... "Are you still talking?" 

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again." 

"You expect too much of me."
Really means.... "You want me to stay awake." 

"It's a really good movie."
Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." 

"That's women's work."
Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." 

"Will you marry me?"
Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." 

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." 

"Football is a man's game."
Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it." 

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." 

"I do help around the house."
Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." 

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." 

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse." 

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions." 

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." 

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." 

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." 

"I brought you a present."
Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game." 

"I missed you."
Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." 

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up." 

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means.... "I like you more than my truck." 

"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties." 

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?" 

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now." 

"It's good beer."
Really means.... "It was on sale." 

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help." 

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...."Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window." 

"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."

 

Comeback Lines!

M: I know how to please a woman.
W: Then please leave me alone.

M: I want to give myself to you.
W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

M: Your hair color is fabulous.
W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

M: You look like a dream.
W: Go back to sleep.

M: I can tell that you want me.
W: Yes, I want you to leave.

M: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.

M: Your body is like a temple.
W: Sorry, there are no services today.

M: Is this seat empty?
W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

M: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
W: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

M: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
W: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Men

How do men define Roe vs. Wade?

Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in a room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to
put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What's a man's view of safe sex?
A padded head board.
Only a man would buy a $200.00 car and put a $2000.00 stereo in
it.
Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they are in, they can still get a floppy in.
What's the differnce between a clitoris and a pub?
8 out of 10 men can find a pub.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom feeding scum sucker...the other is a fish.
Why do men hope to marry a virgin?
They can't stand the criticism.
What do you get if you have two balls in your hand?
A mans undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. no mind
2. no business
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do men name their penises?
They want to be on a first name basis with one who makes all
their decisions.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive through windows.