Men's Guide to Women's Language

So all you men know how to understand what women are saying! 

********* Men's guide to a Woman's language ********** 

She says English --------- -------- 

You want You want 

We need I want 

It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now 

Do what you want You'll pay for this later 

We need to talk I need to complain 

Sure...go ahead I don't want you to. 

I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron 

You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot. 

You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about? 

I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period overreacting! 

Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs. 

This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper... 

Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there! 

I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep. 

Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive. 

How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like.. 

I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. 

Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful. 

You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me. 

Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.] 

Yes No
No No
Maybe No 

I'm sorry. You'll be sorry. 

Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it. 

I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. 

******** In answer to the question "What's wrong?" ********** 

The same old thing. Nothing. 

Nothing. Everything. 

Everything. My PMS is acting up. 

Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an jerk. 

I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.

The Man\'s Point System!

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the
toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is
barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you
shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You
stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6
Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to
dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's
all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your
favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget
your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus
station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring
rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is
happily married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a
Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss
curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3
am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars
...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying
friend from work...+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,
and she comes home real late...+10 You wait up...+15 She goes out,
comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie...+2 You take her to a movie she
likes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to a
movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop
3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it
was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her
flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20 You give her
wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 And she contracts
Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a
noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10 You develop
a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one
too"....-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
Something she can't use...+10 Such as a motorized model
airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive...+20 You let her mother
tell you how to drive...+40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up
getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10 You end up
getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part
of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know
them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive
questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in
responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants
to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5 You listen for more
than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is
because you've fallen asleep...-20

Rules By Men

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. 

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. 

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. 

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? 

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. 

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. 

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. 

Rule # 10
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.