Ten Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About

1.    At least 10 people in this world love you in some way.
2.    A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
3.    Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
4.    You mean the world to someone.
5.    If not for you, someone may not be living.
6.    You are special and unique.
7.    When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
8.    Always remember the compliments you received.  Forget about the rude remarks.
9.    Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
10.    If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Funny Quotes and Sayings ( 2st part )

At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgment.- Benjamin Franklin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.- George Carlin
Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.- Mel Brooks
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend! - Spaceballs (1987)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain
Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.- Tom Lehrer
 

 Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.- Will Rogers
 

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schultz' Peanuts cartoon
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.- Oscar Wilde
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact. - George Eliot
Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does.- Jane Austen
By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.- Oscar Wilde
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.- Ogden Nash
Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you.- Yasser Arafat
Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me afour-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.- Duck Soup (1933)
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.- Mark Twain
 

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. - H. L. Mencken
 

Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.- Peter Ustinov
Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."- Spy Hard (1996)
Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.- Isaac Asimov
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it. You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- Zorba the Greek (1964)
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.- Oscar Wilde
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.- Will Rogers
Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.- Mae West
Do not speak to me of rules. This is war! This is not a game of cricket!- The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.- Chinese Proverb
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.- Mark Twain
 

Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me?- Oscar Hammerstein II (Cinderella)
 

Don't expect me to get excited over another damn thing we need to find.- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)
DON'T get officious. You're not yourself when you're officious - That is the curse of agovernment job. - Harold and Maude (1971)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first. - Mark Twain
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.- Mark Twain
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.- Mae West
Don't threaten me with a dead fish.- Withnail & I (1987)
Don't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job.- Anonymous
Don't worry about that chair with a hole in the middle. It's merely waiting to be reupholstered. - Casino Royale (1966)
Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack, is the capacity.- Shrek 2 (2004)

Funny Quotes and Sayings ( 1st part )

A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
 

 

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
 

 A man's friendships are, like his will, invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated by the marriage of his friends.- Samuel Butler
A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- Annie Hall (1977)
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.- Doug Larson
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good eg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.- Bernard Meltzer
 

A true friend stabs you in the front.- Oscar Wilde
 

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.- Henri B. Stendhal
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.- Grace Hansen
A witty saying proves nothing.- Voltaire
A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.- Mae West
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.- Will Rogers
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't -Erica Jong
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.- Take the Money and Run (1969)  

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.- Mae West
 

All people know the same truth.Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.- Oscar Wilde
Always listen to the experts.They'll tell you what can't be done and why.Then do it.- Robert Heinlein
An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.- Oscar Wilde
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.- Jim Hayes
And you just gotta remember, Sparky - no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.- Michael (1996)
And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person. - Love and Death (1975)
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.- Benjamin Franklin
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.- Albert Einstein
 

Apology is only egotism wrong side out. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Advanced Stress Management Techniques

If suffering from stress it may be difficult to react as this writer below suggests and make these comments in real life; however, they are quite amusing when read:

•    When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
•    Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
•    Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
•    I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 28 years.
•    Allow me to introduce my selves.
•    Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
•    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
•    Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.
•    I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
•    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
•    I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
•    Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
•    You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
•    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
•    Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
•    Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
•    Earth is full. Go home.
•    Is it time for your medication or mine?
•    How do I set the laser printer to stun?
•    I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Remember why blondes are a favorite target of jokes

Although there is no evidence for it, apparently the first blondy jokes created in the 18th century thanks to the beautiful French courtesan Rosalie Duthe who was speaking extremely slow

 

Poor Duthe, says tradition,was so long pondered what to say to the that the  people around her thought that the mentally retarded, so her strange way of expressing the theme of a satirical show Les curiosités de la Foire, placed on the Paris boards 1775 year.
The comedy is alleged to be so ridiculous that the Parisians filled the hall for a weeks, and they soon became a habit make Duthe ridicule and all the ladies that are reminiscent of her.

Funny Political One-Liners

•    In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. Mogens Jallberg
•    The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. Larry Hardiman
•    'In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.'  Thomas Pickering

•    'Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.' Ronald Reagan
•    'The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it'. Ronald Reagan 

•    'I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting'. Ronald Reagan

  •    Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.Gore Vidal
•    'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly, and applying unsuitable remedies'. Sir Ernest Benn
•    'In politics, absurdity is not a handicap'. Napoleon Bonaparte.
•    On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.'Alexis de Toqueville
•    'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy'. Ernest Benn
•    'Politics makes strange bedfellows rich'. Wayne Haisley
•    'You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.' Joseph Levine
•    Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.Anon
•    'Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.'
George Mitchell.  

 

 •    A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. Mark Twain

 

  •    Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. Kin Hubbard
•    When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.  PJ O'Rourke
•    Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.Will Rogers

MY FAVOURITE QUOTES

•    I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. - Helen Keller
 
 


 •    People seldom do what they believe in, they do what is convenient, and then repent. - Bob Dylan

 




•    Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver. - William James
•    The wise man has long ears and a short tongue. - Anonymous.
 

•    Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix
 



 •    Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. - Unknown, but often attributed to Albert Camus
•    The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values. - Norman Thomas
•    Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame. - Bertrand Russell




  •    Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein 



•    I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx
•    Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
•    Coffee isn't my cup of tea. - Samuel Goldwyn
•    I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
•    I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? - Paul Merton
•    At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. - Patrick Moore
 
 



•    Operator! Give me the number for 911. - Homer Simpson
 




 •    I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes. - Oscar Wilde
•    Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning? - George W Bush
•    I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said, 'No, Six should be enough.' - Les Dawson
•    My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil. - Paul Getty

RULES OF LIFE

•    I can only please one person each day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow is not looking good either.
•    Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
•    Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
•    You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.
•    I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
•    Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
•    I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
•    My reality check bounced.
•    On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
•    I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
•    Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
•    Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
                         
                               USEFUL ADVICES

•    As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
•    I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
•    I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
•    I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
•    I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more screwed up than you think.
•    I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
•    I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
•    I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
•    I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
•    I've learned that ex's are like fungus, which keeps coming back.
•    I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
•    I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
•    I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
•    Finally, I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy it!

THE BEST QUOTES OF GOERGE W BUSH

 

•    I think war is a dangerous place.
•    Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?
•    They misunderestimated me.
•    We must focus on building an Iran that is capable of resisting Iranian influence.
•    I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.
•    The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself.
•    For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.
•    The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.
•    Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.
•    You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.
•    I understand small business growth. I was one.
•    Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's [Obstetrician/Gynaecologist] aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.
•    Will the highways on the internet become more few?
•    Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets.
•    I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
•    That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three - three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting.
•    And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony Blair] read it.
•    All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.
•    I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.

Russians 'never, ever had sex in space': official

Russian or Soviet cosmonauts never had sex in space in the 50 years of human exploration of the cosmos. And that's official, according to a Russian expert. As for Americans, well, you'd better ask them. 

"There's no official or unofficial evidence that there were instances of sexual intercourse or the carrying out of sexual experiments in space," Valery Bogomolov, deputy director of the Moscow-based Institute of Biomedical Problems told the Interfax news agency.” At least, in the history of Russian or Soviet space exploration this most certainly was not the case," said Bogomolov.Rumors have persisted for years of secret Russian and American programs to test the effects of weightlessness on sex but this has always been strongly denied by both sides.” As for American space exploration, well, I just don't have the information to categorically deny that," said Bogomolov. "There are just anecdotal rumours which are not worth trusting," he added.

  Swiss Auction Tempts Buyers with Erotic Watches


Open-minded collectors seeking an unusual conversation piece may want to snap up one of a rare assortment of erotic watches coming under the hammer in Switzerland this weekend.
 An important private collection of 33 watches from the 18th and 19th centuries featuring racy tableaux will be offered for sale Sunday at Antiquorum, a Geneva-based auction house specialising in fine timepieces.

Among the sale’s highlights is an uncommon early 19th Century 18-carat watch by Genevan craftsman Henry Capt expected to fetch $70,000 (43,516 pounds) to $90,000 and featuring two automata — one on the front of the watch depicting an idyll of doves and musicians and another hidden one showing a couple in an amorous embrace. Buyers with about $20,000 to $30,000 to spare meanwhile could be tempted by a very rare heart-shaped gilt metal watch by London watchmaker James Cox around 1780. It has two concealed paintings on enamel that include a lady secretly spying two partially clothed lovers caught in an adventurous position. The watches, mainly crafted in Switzerland, are part of a wider collection of more than 700 erotic artefacts painstakingly assembled over 25 years, including walking sticks, statues and ivory objects designed for autoerotic stimulation, Antiquorum Director Etienne Lemenager told Reuters. The collection’s septuagenarian Swiss owner, who wants to remain anonymous, plans to sell the remaining objects in a separate auction in France later this year as nobody in his family is interested in carrying on his work, Lemenager said.“He enjoyed collecting and now he is enjoying selling because he was involved with us doing the catalogue and was happy to provide comments on some of the pocket watches,” Lemenager said, adding that preparing the sale was a lot of fun.

The manufacture of watches with explicit motifs — often concealed from immediate view — began in the 17th century for the Chinese market, with the most luxurious timepieces created for the Emperor and his retinue.
In the 18th century watchmakers introduced rhythmic interest by incorporating tiny automata to the erotic scenes and watches containing libertine scenes were made for the Far East, followed by India and more recently by the Middle-East. Only a very few, highly skilled horologists crafted these items, most of which feature finely painted miniatures on enamel and varicoloured gold ornaments.

You think English is easy??

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.               
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about howto row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with ‘quick’?

  You lovers of the English language might enjoy this...


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!
Now it's UP to you what you do with these quotes

Amusing Droll or Funny Thoughts of the Day

 

•    .Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby 

 

 •    I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Stephen Wright

•    Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be. - Don Quixote 

 •    I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. - W. C. Fields

Inspirational Thought for the Day




 •    Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. - Mark Twain 




 •    The journey to happiness involves finding the courage to go down into ourselves and take responsibility for what's there: all of it. - Richard Rohr
•    By learning you will teach; by teaching you will understand. Latin Proverb
•    Age considers; youth ventures. – Rabindranath  Tagore
•    One moment of patience may ward off great disaster.  One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life. - Chinese Proverb
•    Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. - Author unknown

 
•    History is a gallery of pictures in which there are few originals and many copies. - Alexis de Tocqueville





•    It is one of life's laws that as soon as one door closes another opens. But the tragedy is we look at the closed door and disregard the open one. - Andre Gide
•    Success is not the key to happiness.  Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Albert Schweitzer





•    Kind words are short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. - Mother Teresa




•    The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials. - Chinese Proverb
•    I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street; I met a man who had no feet. - Ancient Persian Saying

                 ADVICE FOR MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE:

I was working out in the gym when 

                                                     I spotted this sweet young thing... 

                                              
  I asked a trainer that was near-by,
   "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
   The trainer looked at me and said,
   "The ATM in the lobby."

Wise Quotes

Here is our collection of wise quotes from the famous.  Every occasion will benefit from at least one of these pearls of wisdom.

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. 
Bruce Grocott 
 
People want economy and they will pay any price to get it.
Lee Iacocca

An idealist is a person who helps other people to be prosperous.
Henry Ford

You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Will Rogers

I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to pleasure.
John D. Rockefeller

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. -
Albert Einstein 

 
There are no wise few.  Every aristocracy that has ever existed has behaved, in all essential points, exactly like a small mob.
GK Chesterton

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
Bernard Bailey

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
Mary Wilson Little

Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.
Malcolm Forbes

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
Baltasar Gracian

 



Friends are far more dangerous than enemies, they know everything about you and will not pause to use it against you.
Terra Castle

Look wise, say nothing, and grunt. Speech was given to conceal thought.
Sir William Osler

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
Sir Francis Bacon

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
Eric offer

 

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.
Abraham Lincoln

Wise Words of Wisdom

1.    If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
2.    Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
3.    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
4.    Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand    on. 

5.    On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
6.    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
7.    If you dig a hole for someone else, you'll fall into it. 
8.    If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
9.    You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
10.  Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't         have said.

              A cheating wife is having sex with her lover

A cheating wife is having sex with her lover when the phone rings. She picks it up, listens for a couple of minutes, puts it down and says, "that was my husband."
Worried, her lover starts to put his clothes on.
"Calm down," she says, "we've got plenty of time. He's playing cards with you and the rest of his mates."

    Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy

 Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday? She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

 Don't walk under a ladder this Friday

SOME people will refuse to leave their homes; a few will not even venture out of bed. They are among the millions of people who believe Friday the 13th is unlucky. As many as one in four are believed to subscribe to the superstition, according to research.
If you are one of them, 2012 may not be your year. There will be three Friday the 13ths: this coming Friday, then two more in April and July.
The Independent has investigated the superstitions, events and strange happenings associated with the date. There are 13 of them, so look away now if you are triskaidekaphobic (afraid of the number 13).
1. The fear of Friday the 13th is known by one of two names: paraskevidekatriaphobia (stemming from the Greek words for Friday, 13 and fear), or friggatriskaidekaphobia (Friday derives its name from the Norse goddess Frigga and triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13).

2. Friday 13 August, 2010 proved particularly unlucky for a 13-year-old boy who was struck by lightning at Lowestoft Seafront Air Festival in Suffolk. To add to the strangeness, the time when St John Ambulance volunteers treated him was 13.13. Luckily, he suffered only a minor burn.
3. When an aircraft crashed in the Andes on Friday 13 October, 1972, survivors had to resort to cannibalism, eating the dead passengers to survive before being rescued more than two months later.
4. The heavy metal band Black Sabbath released their eponymous debut album on Friday 13 February, 1970.
5. An article, Is Friday 13th bad for your health?, published in the British Medical Journal in 1993 concluded the date was unlucky for some and that it might be safer to stay at home. The authors found "the risk of hospital admission as a result of a transport accident may be increased by as much as 52 per cent".
6. Research in 2003 suggested people who thought they were unlucky were more likely to believe in superstitions linked to bad luck which could, in turn, actually lead to bad luck. Psychologist Professor Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, said Friday the 13th could make some people anxious and therefore more accident-prone.
7. Nevertheless, every Friday 13th, motorbike enthusiasts gather in Port Dover in Ontario, Canada, to celebrate. The tradition, said to have started in 1981 with about 25 friends, is now enjoyed by thousands of bikers and visitors.
8. A virus programmed to delete files struck IBM computers across Britain on Friday 13 January 1989.
9. Tube trains were cleared out of the path of a runaway engineering train, which went through six stations during a 13-minute journey on London's Underground, on Friday 13 August last year. The unmanned train, which had become uncoupled when being towed, ran for nearly four miles on the Northern Line.
10. American rapper Tupac Shakur died on Friday 13 September 1996 after being shot six days earlier.
11. Friday 13 May, 1927 became known as Black Friday after the stock market in Berlin collapsed.

12. There are many proposed origins of the Friday the 13th superstition, including some linked to the Bible. One theory is based on an amalgamation of two ideas: 13 is unlucky because there were 13 diners at the Last Supper and Friday is unlucky because it is the day when Jesus was crucified.
13. More than 60 million people worldwide are reported to suffer from fear of Friday the 13th. Dr Donald Dossey, of the Stress Management Center/Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina, estimates this costs as much as $900m to the US alone.

FUNNY HEDLINES

Here is a list of ten headlines that are sure to rub your funny bone. Wonder if the editor of the news continued with the job after these came in print!

My 1-day employment

I heard a position just opened up at Walmart and I thought I might apply......

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7..
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

New Seat Belt law

This becomes effective January 1, 2012 in ALL Countries.
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive Testing on a newly Designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%
When the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below.......
Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE! 

This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%

I KNOW.... YOU SMILED.

The Importance of Walking as you get older

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just forward it to them!
It will save you the walk!

THAT'S LIFE...

We never get what we want,

We never want what we get,
We never have what we like,
We never like what we have.
And still we live & love.
That's life...

The best kind of friend,
Is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with,
Never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it

was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know
What we've got until it's gone,
But it's also true that we don't know
What we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance

that they'll love you back!
Don't expect love in return;
Just wait for it to grow in their heart,
But if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on

someone, an hour to like someone,
And a day to love someone,
But it takes a lifetime to forget someone....

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
Because it takes only a smile to
Make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile!

May you have
Enough happiness to make you sweet,

Enough trials to make you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human,
And enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in others' shoes.
If you feel that it hurts you,
It probably hurts the other person, too.

  
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched,

those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people
Who have touched their lives...

When you were born, you were crying
And everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die,
You're the one who is smiling
And everyone around you is crying.

Please forward this message to those people who mean something

to you, to those who have touched your life in one way

or another, to those who make you smile when you really need it,
to those that make you see the brighter side of things when you are

really down, to those who you want to know that you

appreciate their friendship.