How to Shower Like a Woman/Man

How to Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile"turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.

3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.

4. Turn on hot water only.

5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.

6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake bodywash.

11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake body wash.

12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).

13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.

14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

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How to Shower Like a Man:

1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the floor.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife alon the way, flash her.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)

4. Turn on the water.

5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)

6. Get in the shower.

7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)

8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.

9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.

10. Wash your rear end.

11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.


12. Make a shampoo mohawk.

13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.

14. Pee.

15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your wife to find you a clean one.

18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.

 

100 Reasons why its great to be a Guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 

3. You know stuff about tanks. 

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

5. Monday Night Football. 

6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 

8. You can open all your own jars. 

9. Friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 

11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying. 

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 

13. All your orgasms are real. 

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 

17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny. 

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 

19. Your last name stays put. 

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 

22. You can kill your own food. 

23. The garage is all yours. 

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment". 

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 

27. You never have to clean the toilet. 

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship. 

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 

35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. 

37. You can be 34 and single, and nobody notices. 

38. You can write your name in the snow. 

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack. 

42. You can be president. 

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 

44. Flowers fix everything. 

45. You never have to worry about other peoples' feelings. 

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 

48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 

51. Foreplay is optional. 

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut or not. 

59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me." 

60. The world is your urinal. 

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 

64. One mood, all the time. 

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scuzzy. 

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 

69. Same work....more pay. 

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add desirability to your appearance. 

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 

72. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100. 

73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 

74. With 400 million spermatozoa per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 

75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 

77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 

78. Nobody looks at your chest when you're talking to them. 

79. ESPN's sports center. 

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 

81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers. 

82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 

84. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "f*#k it, just f*#k it!" 

88. If another guy shows up at a party wearing the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 

89. You never have to read the instruction manual. 

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 

93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 

94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 

98. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different about me?" 

99. Baywatch 

100. There is always a game on somewhere.