50 Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie 'The Way We Were' twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

The 90's Woman

Updated Version for the 90's woman:

1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and give him an opportunity to change your mood. 

2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "Clinique" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!) 

3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage. 

4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage. 

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked. 

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do. 

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care. 

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word. 

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping(use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!" 

10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if...

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he
watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his
team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and
if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

4. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 

5. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being
the firstis upsetting to their psyches.

6. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow,
instead of a gun.

7. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have
jobs and bathe.

8. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven
words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

9. Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last
log does not burn, he will take it personally.

10. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing; Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

11. Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in
winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that
snore.

12. Women take clothing much more seriously than men I've never seen a man
walkinto a party and say "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of
here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

13. Most men hate to shop That's why the men's department is usually on the
first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

14. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
types of lettuce, he is serious.

15. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr Right," if he a) got
older, b) got new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
The cocoon- to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

16. No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he
wished he could be Cary Grant.

17. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

18. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE
WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

20. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my
car?"

21. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he
didn't lose your number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

22. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we
going to have sex again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem: "Get
out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want toget ridof a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I wantto haveyour children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes.
Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you
get toflirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.  

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need
instant replays in sports They've already forgotten what happened.