Inspirational Poster Ideas
Sayings you'd like to see on office inspirational posters :
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - - they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
If at first you don't succeed - - try management.
It's only unethical if you get caught.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
Work harder slaves!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
If you can read this, you're not working!
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Pride, commitment, teamwork - - words we use to get you to work for free.
Succeed in spite of management.
Work : It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
There are two kinds of people in life : people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore
Dear Bank Manager
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $ 5 0 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half of 1 9 9 9, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes :
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his / her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities ) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he / she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 2 8 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he / she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus :
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie :
" Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for "
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $ 2 0 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $ 5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 7 5 cents a minute ( even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free ), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Best Wishes,
Your humble client
Famous Marketing Screw Ups
1. Coors put its slogan, " Turn it loose, into Spanish where it was read as " Suffer from diarrhea.
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign : Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
3. Clairol introduced the " Mist Stick ", a curling iron, into German only to find out that " mist " is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the " manure stick.
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of " I saw the Pope " ( el papa ), the shirts read " I saw the potato " ( la papa ).
7. Pepsi's " Come alive with the Pepsi Generation " translated into " Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave ", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, " it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken " was translated into Spanish as " it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as " Ke-kou-ke-la ", meaning " Bite the wax tadpole " or " female horse stuffed with wax ", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 4 0, 0 0 characters to find a phonetic equivalent " ko-kou-ko-le ", translating into " happiness in the mouth.
1 0. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, " it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you. Instead, the company thought that the word " embarazar " ( to impregnate ) meant to embarrass, so the ad read : " It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.
Drinking At Work
Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
1 0. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
1 1. It makes fellow employees look better.
1 2. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
1 3. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks
1 4. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Executive Envelopes
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.... 1, 2, 3. " Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve, the departing CEO said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, " Blame your predecessor.
Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - - and Wall Street - - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, " Reorganize. This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, " Prepare three envelopes.
Federal Employee Evaluation
1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.
5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
1 0. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.
1 1. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
1 2. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
1 3. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
1 4. A room temperature IQ.
1 5. Got a full 6 - pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
1 6. A gross ignoramus- 1 4 4 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
1 7. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
1 8. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
1 9. Bright as Alaska in December.
2 0. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
2 1. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
2 2. Fell out of the family tree.
2 3. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.
2 4. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
2 5. He is so dense, light bends around him.
2 6. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
2 7. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
2 8. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
2 9. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
3 0. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1, 0 0, 0 0 other sperm.
3 1. One neuron short of a synapse.
3 2. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
3 3. Takes him 1 1 / 2 hours to watch the 6 0 minutes program.
3 4. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
3 5. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
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