Post Office Workers Jokes
A woman went to
the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What
denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
"Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40
Presbyterian."
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.
The worker
organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come
up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another
envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars.
This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short
but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.
As he was putting
the mail in the mailbox of the last house, the door opened, and the woman of
the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside and lead
him upstairs where she made mad passionate love to him. After their lovemaking
she lead him downstairs where she prepared an exquisite dinner for him.
He found a dollar
bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained,
"When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your
retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Dinner
was my idea."
Internet service providers Jokes
There was this
young man, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It
was wonderful, the experience of his life. But, it did not last. A Hurricane
came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found
himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to
be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were
some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but
decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas,
drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to
his rescue.
One day, from
around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned,
and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal
quality. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he
asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing",
he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are
there? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with
you."
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."
"Well
then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But,
but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do
that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, where do you live?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, where do you live?"
At last the man
was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily
rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up
the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and
around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white.
"It's not
much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like to have a
drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and
they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you
always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
The man, no longer
questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was
a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were
fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered
and went back down stairs.
"You look
great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into something
more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing fig leafs
strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell
me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with
no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything
that you really miss? Something that all men and women need. Something that it
would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the
woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "You mean you actually figured
out some way to make an Internet connection?"
Kevin Poulson, legendary hacker, 1999
When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.comOn your business card the
e-mail appears before the phone number.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this
diskette?"
1. Text on Web pages display as Morse Code
and...
2.
Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe a heavier string might improve
your throughput
4. You post a message to your favorite
Newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit card expires while ordering
on-line.
6. Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate
of the year"...for 1989.
7. You're still in the middle of downloading
that popular new game, "Ping
Pong".
8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone'
sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. You
click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your
monitor and a pigeon flies out.
- Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
- You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds.
- You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
- You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
- Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
- You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
- You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
- Your dog has his own webpage.
- So does your hamster.
- When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.
"MAKE MONEY
FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment.
Sun internet
servers replaced with pentiums.
Dan Quayle
appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".
Free netcom
account with purchase of big mac.
Gameboy web
browsers.
Two words:
"Microsoft Network"
Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.
You Might Be an ISP if...
·
you
know 56k means 'reliable 33.6' and 33.6 means 'reliable 28.8' and so forth.
·
you
know the win98 setup wizard by heart and can walk a user through it without
even interrupting your Quake/MUD/IRC session to do so.
·
you
know where the email settings are in Internet Mail, Outlook Express, Pegasus,
Eudora, Netscape Mail, Messenger Mailbox, and you don't use any of those
programs for personal use.
·
you
maintain more than four websites and do not have time for a personal web page.
·
you
know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what they've
done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linus Torvalds, Eric Allman,
Sanford Wallace.
·
you
know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP, OSPF, and
DUN. You like acronyms.
·
you
know more ip addresses than phone numbers. Sometimes you just find it easier to
type the dotted quad.
·
you
know more phone numbers to modem banks than you know phone numbers to people.
·
you can
name two web browsers other than Netscape or Microsoft's.
·
you
find telnet a helpful daily tool instead of wondering what it is for.
·
you
despise Microsoft FrontPage as a web editing tool and as extensions to your
webserver.
·
you can
answer the question 'is the internet broken' without laughing.
·
you can
spot the theme behind the following list: RedHat, SuSE, Debian, Caldera,
Slackware.
·
you can
feel the load a server is under without actually checking statistics. It
'just isn't running right' actually makes sense.
you loathe the dancing baby and other large file attachments sent
through email to unsuspecting users who can't pick them up off the server and
then have to call and whine that their email doesn't work anymore.
Psychologists and Psychiatrists Jokes
A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't
make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist
says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what
is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists
tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is
this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed
with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first
mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your
daughter Candy."
He turned to the second
mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's
name, Penny."
He turned to the
third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is
Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand
and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by
yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you
tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy
is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few
minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and
says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing
situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?!"
What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see,"
nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your
will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to
fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."
Two elderly
couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the
other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a
smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red
flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."
What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
I don't suffer
from insanity, I enjoy every minute.
I used to be
indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The best thing
about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.
Just because you
are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!
Hypochondria is
the only illness that I don't have.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's
one by one with a glass of water.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."
Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I
created the Heavens and the Earth..."
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in
the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic,
and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your
kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The
psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road
from Hawaii to California."
The genie
grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I
can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how
long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement. That's too much to ask."
"OK,"
the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a
psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry,
why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what
do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them
tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or
four?"
"Darling,
that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?"
The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!
Doctor, doctor, I
keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.
Doctor, doctor,
people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.
Don't let people push you around.
Doctor, doctor, I
keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!
Who said that?!
Doctor, doctor,
nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?
What do you mean by that?
Doctor, doctor,
People keep ignoring me!
Next!
Next!
Doctor, doctor, No
one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
Doctor, doctor, I
feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, doctor,
people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.
Lay on the couch, face down.
Doctor, Doctor, I
can't stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!
Doctor, doctor, I
keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
Sit there and don't stir.
Doctor, doctor,
I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm...
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm...
Doctor, doctor, I
keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?
Doctor, doctor, I
can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?
Doctor, doctor, I
feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.
No problem. Hop up on the couch.
Doctor, doctor, I
feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.
You do look a little pail.
Doctor, doctor,
I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.
Wait a minute please.
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.
Don't answer!
Don't answer!
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.
How psychiatrists do it...
Psychiatrists do
it on the couch.
Psychiatrists think they do it.
Psychiatrists do it for at least fifty dollars per session.
Psychiatrists think they do it.
Psychiatrists do it for at least fifty dollars per session.
After 12 years of therapy, my psychoanalyst said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo Ingles."
A man walks into
his psychiatrist's office and claims he suffers from CDO.
His doctor looks puzzled and asks what he means.
It's like OCD but everything has to be in alphabetical order!
His doctor looks puzzled and asks what he means.
It's like OCD but everything has to be in alphabetical order!
There a naked guy,
and he wraps himself in Saran wrap and goes to see a psychologist. He walks in,
and the doctor says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"
Two psychologists pass each other in the hallway. One says to the other, "Hello!" After they pass, the second says to himself, "I wonder what he *meant* by that?"
I told my
psychiatrist that I was talking to myself. I was surprised when he replied,
"That's o.k.. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth."
"That's o.k.. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth."
The head
psychiatrist decides it's time to see whether some patients are ready to leave the
"hospital" so he takes one to a room where there is a large, empty
swimming pool, and a diving board overhanging it.
He takes the
patient to the edge of the board and says: "Jump!" The patient jumps
and breaks both his legs and is carried away.
The next patient
is taken up and after the same injunction, jumps and breaks both her arms and
is carried away.
The last patient
is taken up and told to jump and he refuses.
The head
psychiatrist says, "Congratulations! You have passed the test, and are
free to leave, but tell me out of curiosity why you refused to jump." The
patient replies, "I can't swim."
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