Things that Make you Say Hmmm...

 

-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 

-It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins. 

-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 

-Atheism is a nonprophet organization. 

-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 

-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 

-Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent. 

-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 

-Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
-On the other hand, you have different fingers. 

-Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer. 

-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Trick or Treat!

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

50 Top Headlines

1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
Belted

4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6.Farmer Bill Dies in House

7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9.Stud Tires Out

10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15.Eye Drops off Shelf

16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout 
Counter

27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30.War Dims Hope for Peace

31.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35.Deer Kill 17,000

36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50.Air Head Fired

Stuff to Think Of

These are some of the things I think about when I'm home alone
and the TV is broken.

* Why is an orange the only fruit named after its color? Or was
the color named after the fruit?

* Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

* Do they have reserved parking for regular people at the
Special Olympics? 

* Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

* Is a computer virus covered by Medicare? 

* How do you know when a Smurf suffocates?

* If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words? 

* In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the
same? 

* Where do swear words come from?

* Why do people use the word "irregardless"? 

* Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 

* Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

* How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?

* Why do they have signs at Burger King that say, "Picture menus
available for those who need them"? If you can't read, how can
you ask for a picture menu?

* If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?

* Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

* Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

* Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

* Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

* Why is it called "after dark", when it is really after light?

* Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become
the expected?

* If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* Why do they report power outages on TV? I mean, duh!

* If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before
approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth
chart?

* If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a
hard-sleeper sleep with?

* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?

* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

10 reasons why sex is better than School

1. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for
virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet. 

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just
sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you
feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to. 

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people
to drink. 

6. Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress. 

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something. 

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is
still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition. 

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have
sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!

You Might Be a School Teacher if...

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium
salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
work 9 to 3:20 and have summers free."

4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

6. You believe "Shallow Gene Pool" should have it's own box on
the report card.

7. You have no life from August to June.

8. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

9. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at
children you don't know and correct their behavior.

10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life so much
simpler.

11. When you mention "Vegetables" you are not talking food
groups.

12. You think people should be required to get a government
permit before being allowed to reproduce.

13. You wonder how some parents ever managed to reproduce.

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

15. You encourage obnoxious parents to look into charter schools
or home schooling.

16. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without
having taught in the elementary setting for the last 10 years.

17. You can't have children because there's no name you could
give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the
moment you heard it uttered.

18. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

19. Your personal life comes to an screeching halt at report
card time.

20. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question,
"Why is this kid like this."

Quips & Quotes on the Office

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees."
- Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division

Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough
time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that
they don't have enough time to do all their work?
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in
the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."- Robert Frost

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, myfriend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she wasstepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt goton with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little
casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the
company.""Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security."- Unknown

Being punctual in our office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it."Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."- Unknown

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just
fine," the boss continued. "After you left the office early yesterday to go to
your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!""Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker."- Unknown

Our office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have
computers which spoke as well as listened, some of them even got ulcers.
"We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day."
- Unknown

Stevenson's boss came into his office one morning and caught him hugging his
secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for?!" Stevenson
replied, "Nope, I do this for free!""Arguing with an Engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig: After a few hours, you realize the pig likes it."

- Unknown

The pretty new temp was standing in front of the paper shredder with a
confused look on her face. Stevenson asked if she needed any help and she said,
"Yeah, how does this thing work?" He took the papers from her hand and
demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet anotherconfused expression, so Stevenson said, "Any questions?" She said, "Yeah...exactly where do the copies come out from?""This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."- Unknown

 

Rejection Letters

Dear Sir: 

A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you
applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not
get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you
did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were
hoping this letter would say. But it doesn't, because you didn't.

Sincerely,
Human Recourses

********************

Dear Sir:

You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get
it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we
have not heard back from you that you completely understand that
you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know
that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and
never will be.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has
been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to
inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire
you.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally
discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?

Sincerely,
Personnel

********************

Dear Sir:

If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by
now we would have been forced to let you go.

Sincerely,
Human Recources

********************

Dear Sir:

We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains
you want in your new office. . . . Wait, we made a mistake.
You're the wrong person. Oh, well, we're going to go ahead and
send this letter to you anyway.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had
a job? Just curious.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded
into a paper airplane and was accidentally sailed out the
window. Would you mind filling out the enclosed application and
mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

It has come to our attention that an employee in our department
has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We
have told him not only that he is fired but that we are hiring
you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he
was "going to find (you) and crush (your) head like a walnut."
(Some of us think he said "like a peanut," but most think he
said "walnut.") If he shows up at your apartment, please explain
to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Signs around the World

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

 

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

 

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER 

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL DISPOSED OF.

 

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

 

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

 

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

 

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

 

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

 

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILLTELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

 

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

 

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Top Things To Say When Calling A Psychic Hotline

1. Call on a cell phone, from an elevator and ask them if they
know what floor your on.

2. Ask them why they need to ask your name.

3. Get two cell phones (One a friend's, another yours) and call
under to different names. Curse at them for not noticing you had
a split personality.

4. Tell them you see ghosts, then ask why. Let the conversation
flow then scream loudly and say that you think your dick just
died.

5. Tell them to guess your Grandpa's name, then make one up that
has a hidden message (Ex. Licking, Bill)

6. When telling them what you think, say, "Well, Batman...(etc)"

7. Tell them your name then repeatedly change it in subtle ways
(I'm Jack, how are you? Well my Grandpa named me Chad.)

8. Blurt out useless information (Did ya notice how the word HOW
is WHO spelled differently?)

9. Ask them if they know how many times you've jerked off today.

10. If your a women, how many times you have had an orgasm today.

11. If they guess incorrectly, scream loudly and call them
retarded.

12. If they guess correctly, begin to cry and say god will never
forgive me! If they try to comfort you, threaten them.

13. Ask where they are located, then tell them to open the
package that ticks but cutting the red wire...

14. Ask them if they know if their refrigerator is running.

15. If your a man, go into the bathroom and urinate as
powerfully as you can so they can hear you.

16. If your a woman ask them what is the best day to breast
feed, now that the child cant seem to get enough of it. Then
tell them his 20th birthday is tomorrow.

17. Belch into the receiver then scream and ask them what was
that. If they say it was you, ask who the hell is the psychic
here?

18. Tell them your outside the building in a red van, the one
with the big black box in the passenger seat. Then yell at them
when they say it isn't there, because they are looking out the
wrong window.

19. Ask if an AK47 kills psychos better, then correct yourself
and say psychics.

20. Fart into the receiver then ask them what they did that for.
Curse loudly then slam the receiver down.

Still blonde-cute !!!

A friend tells the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blonde says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

------------------------------------

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."

------------------------------------

A woman phones her blonde neighbor and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde replies, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

------------------------------------

A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"

She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

------------------------------

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me.”

The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

------------------------------------

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope, "DO NOT BEND."

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------------------------------

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

------------------------------------

A blonde is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------------------------------

A blonde’s dog goes missing, and she is frantic. Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

She does, but two weeks later, the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.

She replies, "Here boy!"

------------------------------------

A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"It should be around your neck," says the guard.

"I know," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

------------------------------------

An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do American scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Inventions By Blondes

1. The water-proof towel
 
2. Glow in the dark sunglasses
 
3. Solar powered flashlights
 
 4. Submarine screen doors
 
5. A book on how to read
 
6. Inflatable dart boards
 
7. A dictionary index
 
8. Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
 
9. Powdered water
 
10. Pedal-powered wheel chairs
 
11. Waterproof tea bags
 
12. Watermelon seed sorter
 
13. Zero proof alcohol
 
14. Reuseable ice cubes
 
15. See-through toilet tissue
 
16. Skinless bananas
 
17. Do-it-yourself road map
 
18. Turnip ice cream
 
19. Toe implants
 
20. An all white flag
 
21. Rolls Royce pickup truck
 
22. Helicopter Ejector Seat

Your Daily Moment of Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just
leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.

5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems wierd the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a
raindance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with men. Neither one
works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth
is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

New Rules

 

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Rules for Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

What Advertisements Really Mean

NEW - Different color from previous design. 

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

Words of Wisdom

Use them as Needed . . . 

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the hell is the ceiling???"

12. My reality check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier . . .

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through Peanut Butter!

16. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

 

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what
management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to
work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are
wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax
at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a
couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their
lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
"gross,"

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Wisdom From The Seat of a Tractor

AN OLD NEBRASKA FARMER'S WORDS OF WISDOM:

 
“YOUR FENCES NEED TO BE
HORSE-HIGH, PIG-TIGHT AND BULL-STRONG.”

“KEEP SKUNKS AND BANKERS AT A DISTANCE.”

“LIFE IS SIMPLER WHEN YOU PLOW AROUND THE STUMP.”

“A BUMBLE BEE IS CONSIDERABLY FASTER THAN A JOHN DEERE TRACTOR.”

**“WORDS THAT SOAK INTO YOUR EARS ARE WHISPERED NOT YELLED.”

“MEANNESS DON'T JUST HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.”

“FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES; IT MESSES UP THEIR HEADS.”

“DO NOT CORNER SOMETHING THAT YOU KNOW IS MEANER THAN YOU.”

“IT DON'T TAKE A VERY BIG PERSON TO CARRY A GRUDGE.”

**“YOU CANNOT UNSAY A CRUEL WORD.”

“EVERY PATH HAS A FEW PUDDLES.”

“WHEN YOU WALLOW WITH PIGS, EXPECT TO GET DIRTY.”

“THE BEST SERMONS ARE LIVED, NOT PREACHED.”

“MOST OF THE STUFF PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT, AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY.”

“DON'T JUDGE FOLKS BY THEIR RELATIVES.

**“REMEMBER THAT SILENCE IS SOMETIMES THE BEST ANSWER.”

“LIVE A GOOD AND HONORABLE LIFE, THEN WHEN YOU GET OLDER AND THINK BACK,
YOU'LL ENJOY IT A SECOND TIME.

“DON'T INTERFERE WITH SOMETHIN' THAT AIN'T BOTHERING YOU NONE.”

“TIMIN' HAS A LOT TO DO WITH THE OUTCOME OF A RAIN DANCE.”

“IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A HOLE, THE FIRST THING TO DO IS STOP DIGGIN'.”

“SOMETIMES YOU GET, AND SOMETIMES YOU GET GOT.

**“THE BIGGEST TROUBLEMAKER YOU'LL PROBABLY EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH,
WATCHES YOU FROM THE MIRROR EVERY MORNIN'.”

“ALWAYS DRINK UPSTREAM FROM THE HERD.”

“GOOD JUDGMENT COMES FROM EXPERIENCE, AND A LOTTA THAT COMES FROM BAD
JUDGMENT.”

“LETTIN' THE CAT OUTTA THE BAG IS A WHOLE LOT EASIER THAN PUTTIN' IT BACK
IN.”

“IF

YOU GET TO

THINKIN' YOU'RE A PERSON OF SOME INFLUENCE, TRY ORDERIN' SOMEBODY ELSE'S
DOG AROUND.”

**“LIVE SIMPLY, LOVE GENEROUSLY, CARE DEEPLY, SPEAK KINDLY, AND LEAVE THE
REST TO GOD.”

“DON'T PICK A FIGHT WITH AN OLD MAN. IF HE IS TOO OLD TO FIGHT, HE'LL JUST
KILL YOU.”