How to Talk About Men & Still be Politically Correct

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIALINVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

Men and Women

A WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE 

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time. 

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children. 

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. 

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it. 

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts. 

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence. 

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one. 

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs. 

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk. 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him. 

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract. 

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes. 

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women 

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature. 

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up. 

A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE

Why do men like love at first sight?
Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth. 

A woman of5 thinks of having children. What does a man of5 think of?
How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer. 

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
Their target audience is women. 

What should you give a man who has everything?
A mute nymphomanic 8 year old girlfriend. 

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
Penis envy. 

Why do women have mid-life crises?
Because Phil and Oprah say they're supposed to. 

How does a woman show she's planning for the future?
Plastic Surgury. 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Sex, stupid. 

What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she's God's gift?
Trade her in for two 20 year olds. 

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Because they're so rare. 

What's the difference between a wife and a job.
After 5 years, the job still sucks. 

Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera?
Cause it's the same tired old plot, year in and year out. 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
Biographies of Happy women 

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them.

His and Her ATM

HIM: 

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER: 

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car b/c stopped too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

Advantages of older women...

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to and older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.

Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.