Men Can't Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race,
you are a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..

If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.

If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.

If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.

If you don't, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.

If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.

If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.

If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.

If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are over-sexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

Because I'm a Guy!

...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

...when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

...when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

...I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

...when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

...I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where we're going?

...there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

...I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

...I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

...you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

...I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

...I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

...and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Top 5 Bar Jokes

1. A woman walks into a bar with her well-groomed poodle. She
yells, "this place is a pigstye." The bartender comes up to her
and say,"How can you bring that creature in here? The woman
exclaims, "I'll have you know that this is a prize winning
poodle. The guy says, "I wasn't talkin to you, lady."

2. A guy came into a bar one night and ordered two beers. He
drinks the first one and poors the second one over his hand. He
does this three times. He orders a beer. He drinks one and poors
the other one over his hand. The bartender asks him, "You're
payin for the beers so I don't care but im just wonderin, what
are you doing?" The guy says, "I'm gettin my date drunk."

3. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says, "I'll have the
Salmon Salad. The bartender says, "We dont serve food here." 

4. This guy tells his friend about a bar where if you drink two
beers, you get laid. The guy says, "Great, lets go!" They both
go and have two beers. Nothing happens. They do it agin. Still
Nothing. The guy says, "I thought you said we would get laid."
"I don't know, that's what my sister told me."

5. A guy is playin a piano in a bar and he has a monkey on the
piano. The monkey drinks a few beers and starts dancing around
the bar. He pees in some guy's beer. He walks over to the piano
player and says, "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my
drink?" "No, but if you hum a few bars maybe i'll catch on."