Men's English

I'm hungry = I'm hungry 

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy 

I'm tired = I'm tired 

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 

Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 

May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! 

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you 

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this 

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question 

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? 

I love you = Let's have sex now 

I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we'd better have sex now! 

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before 

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! 

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me 

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys 

(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! 

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech...

1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.

2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.

3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.

4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."

5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.

6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.

7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.

8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.

9. Affirmative action.

10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.

11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.

12. Oprah.

13. Feminists.

14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.

15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.

16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.

17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.

18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear anybody calling me back.

19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"

20. This is my dick. I'm gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.

21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.

22. Women sportscasters.

23. Women congressman.

24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad -- see #66)

25. Marge Schott.

26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).

28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"

29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.

30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.

31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.

32. I don't care if you're in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.

33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.

34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.

35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don’t need to talk)

36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.

37. That damn apple.

38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.

39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.

40. Rosanne. Nuff said.

41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.

42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?

43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.

44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.

45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.

46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk when she talking.

47. Nothing should come out a woman's mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!

48. The Mute button only works on the TV.

49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.

50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.

51. Equality is for math.

52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.

53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.

54. Marcia Clark.

55. Chick-flicks.

56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?

57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.

58. Michael Jackson.

59. Silence and sex make a great combination.

60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.

61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.

62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.

63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.

64. High phone bills really suck.

65. Women should be seen and not heard.

66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?

67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).

68. Because they're not men.

69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.

70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.

71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.

72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?

73. Women on radio? You can't see them, do you really want to hear
them?

74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?," shut the fuck up.

75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.

Man slamming list of lists!

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have testicles.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why don't men eat more M&M's?
They're too hard to peel.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
Gifted.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

What do men and bottles of beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!!!!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything!

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Because they're stupid.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

Confucius

·        Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.

·        If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

·        Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

·        He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

·        Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

·        Couple on seven-day honeymoon make whole week.

·        Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

·        Girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.

·        Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

·        Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy -- feeling nuts.

·        Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.

·        He who run behind bus get exhausted.

·        Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

·        He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs. 

·        "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time." 

·        "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam." 

·        "Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."

·        "Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!" 

·        "Work to become, not to acquire." 

·        "Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard." 

·        "A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose." 

·        "Find old man in dark, not hard!" 

·        "Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose." 

·        "Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache." 

·        "Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."

·        "Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk." 

·        "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."

·        "He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser." 

·        "Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" 

·        "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it." 

·        "Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed." 

·        "Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary." 

·        "Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons." 

·        "Those who quote me are fools." 

·        "Man who drive like hell bound to get there!" 

·        "Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!" 

·        "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" 

·        "Man who sit on tack get point!" 

·        "Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!" 

·        "Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!" 

·        "War not determine who's right, war determines who's left." 

·        "Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"

·        "Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth." 

·        "Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag." 

·        "Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face." 

·        "Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly." 

·        "Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day." 

·        "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night" 

·        "Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing." 

·        "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok" 

·        "Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time." 

·        "Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent

 

Actual letters to the council

 

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt out my knob off

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from
the wall

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant

8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become expectant mother

10. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is funny colour and not fit to drink

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now its in three pieces

14. Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old pensioner and need it straight away

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night

19. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and
satisfy my wife

20. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction

21. We are getting married in September and would like it in the  garden before we move into the house

22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

Laws of Human Nature

·        "The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. 

·        "The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist. 

·        "The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 

·        "The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 

·        "Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look. 

·        "Law of Impossibility" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 

·        "Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 

·        "Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense. 

·        "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets. 

·        "Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug. 

·        "Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor, but you can hold on to the grass and try not to fall of the edge of the world.

funny Bumperstickers for your car

• "All generalizations are false."
• "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
• "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
• "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" (Supposedly seen outside a Chinese restaurant... I suppose that Item #2 was labeled as 'sweet and sour tabby')
• "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
• "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."
• "Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
• "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
• "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
• "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
• "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
• "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
• "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
• "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
• "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
• "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
• "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
• "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
• "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
• "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
• "If you don't like the news, go out and make some." (No doubt popular with Post Office employees)
• "I Brake For No Apparent Reason." (That's a popular one down here in FL and can usually seen on a car in the extreme left lane traveling at 45 mph)
• "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
• "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
• "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
• "No Radio - Already Stolen" (in the Heathen Northeast they say that 'BMW' stands fro Break My Window')
• "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
• "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
• "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
• "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
• "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
• "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
• "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
• "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
• "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
• "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
• "LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."
• "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
• "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
• "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
• "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
• "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
• "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
• "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
• "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
• "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
• "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
• "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
• "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
• "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
• "There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
• "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
• "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog.-Dorothy."
• "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
• A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious
• No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
• A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House
• If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
• A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
• Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out
• Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
• Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives
• My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
• "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
• "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
• "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
• "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
• "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
• "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
• "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
• "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
• "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
• "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
• "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
• "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
• "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
• "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
• "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
• "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
• "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
• "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
• "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
• "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
• "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
• "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
• "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
• "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
• "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
• "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
• "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
• "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
• "He who laughs last thinks slowest."
• "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
• "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
• "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
• "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
• "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
• "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
• "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
• "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
• "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
• "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
• "2 + 2 =3D 5 for extremely large values of 2."
• "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
• "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
• Clones are people two.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be.
• Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
• Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
• A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
• A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
• Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
• COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Editing is a rewording activity.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
• Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
• I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
• My reality check just bounced.
• Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
• Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!
• My other wife is beautiful.