It's Good to be a Man

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours. 

Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

Chocolate is just another snack. 

You can be president. 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 

Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut. 

The world is your urinal. I love this one... 

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking. 

Same work... more pay. 

Wrinkles add character. 

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

One mood, ALL the time. 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

You know stuff about tanks. 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

You can open all your own jars. 

You can leave the motel bed unmade. 

You can kill your own food. 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack. 

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 

Everything on your face stays its original color. 

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. 

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking 'He's mad at me.' 

You don't mooch off other's desserts. 

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 

You don't have to shave below your neck. 

Your belly usually hides your big hips. 

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 

You can 'do' your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth. 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." 

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works. 

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." 

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." 

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?" 

"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." 

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." 

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." 

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" 

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." 

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." 

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." 

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." 

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Women Speak

What Woman Say vs. What Women Really Mean

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? ... really means, "There is no way I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... really means, "without you in it."

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?... really means, "We haven't had a fight in a while."

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.... really means, "you cheap slob!"

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. ... really means, "I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? ... really means, "I can't believe you have nothing planned!"

COME HERE. ... really means, "My puppy does this, too."

I LIKE YOU, BUT... really means, "I don't like you."

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.... really means, "just not in that way."

YOU NEVER LISTEN. ... really means, "You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. ... really means, "I'm not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.... really means, "I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will."

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. ... really means, "I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going Dutch."

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. .... really means, "We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

Men won't say

Let's watch Lifetime!

Sex is overrated.

I don't want to go too far on the first date.

Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.

There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.

I'm glad I don't have a large thing between my legs.       

 

My hips are too big.

Aw, can't we watch Oprah?

Does this suit make me look fat?

I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.

Tests Before Having Children

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN:

Test 1

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feels:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4.Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

2. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6

Get ready to go out

1. Wait

2. Go out the front door

3. Come back in again

4. Go out

5. Come back in again

6. Go out again

7. Walk down the front path

8. Walk back up it

9. Walk down it again

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.

4. Cover the stains with crayon.

5. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there's a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:

1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

2. Stir

3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

6. Do not change, you have no time.

7. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids. ENJOY!!!