Women's Advice to Men

-The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear. 

-The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim. 

-If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts. 

-If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday. 

-Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

-Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day. 

-Please don't drive when you're not driving. 

-Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. 

-Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take. 

-If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed. 

-The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts. 

-If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"? 

-Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care. 

-When you're not around, I belch loudly, too. 

-Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming. 

-Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist. 

-Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed. 

-Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level. 

-Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

Demerit System used by Women

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In
the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points
are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...

Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point
system.

Simple Duties

You make the bed..................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her father..............................................-10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.......-2
Named Tiffany...................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............-6
Tiffany has implants............-8

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely........................-20
You forget your anniversary...............................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal .........................................-5
And the pal is happily married ............................-4
Or frighteningly single ...................................-7
And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15
You have a few beers.......................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20
You get home at 3 am......................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40

Her Night Out

You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work.................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real
late..........+10
You wait up......................................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A Night Out

You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30
And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5
Something she can't use.........................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40

Driving

You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal.........-25
You know them..................................................-60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................................-35

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression..............0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

It's a guy thing!

 

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Translated: "I have no idea how it works." 

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." 

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?" 

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." 

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." 

"I CAN'T FIND IT"
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?" 

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." 

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."