NEW COMPANY POLICIES - ALL EMPLOYEES MUST READ!

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. Tohave something removed constitutes a breach of employment. 

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided you share of the work is done enough to keep the
job going in your absence. 

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your replacement. 

REST ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose
names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it
will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In
extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. In writing,both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange. In addition, there isnow a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, analarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door
will open. 

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better
understand their paychecks: 

Gross pay $1,212.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.91
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.24
Tic-Tacs $2.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $1.98
Stadium tax $2.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $7.00
FICA $81.88
TGIF Fund $9.95
Life insurance $7.85
Health insurance $17.23
Dental insurance $5.50
Mental insurance $5.33
Disability $3.50
Ability $1.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $16.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $1.32
Desk rental $14.32
Union dues $25.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $28.13
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $14.09
Various $8.01
========================
Net Take Home Pay $6.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere. 

Have a nice week, 

Your Boss

Changed HR policies

Casual Fridays:

Week 1 - Memo No. 1

Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees
are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual
Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. 

Week 6 - Memo No. 3

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's
wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. 

Week 8 - Memo No. 4

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the
cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. 

Week 9 - Memo No. 5

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has
been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6

The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled
"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributedto every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consultthe "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for workeach Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item ofclothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7

Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support forpsychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting toCasual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8

Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively
support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective
immediately.

Employee Handbook

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag,we assume you are doing well financially and, therefore, you do not need a
raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They arecalled Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time everyyear. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.

The Top 16 Traits Of a Highly Ineffective Sales Person

16. His close? "You might find a better price elsewhere -- but don't let me catch you doing it, pal!"

15. Refers to your wife as, "Your passenger-side airbag, there". 

14. Bursts into tears when someone shakes his hand firmly. 

13. Starts every demo with, "In spite of what you may have read in Consumer Reports..." 

12. Wears a clown costume to all sales calls, because everyone loves a clown. 

11. Promotes her new album by tearing up a picture of the Pope. 

10. That catchy, "Sure, our product sucks, but at least it's expensive as hell." 

9. Not only takes "no" for an answer, he insists on it. 

8. Her big sales pitch: A complimentary receipt with every purchase. 

7. Upon first sign of rejection, offers 15 for the price 1. 

6. "Loves Oreos" and "talks with food in mouth" aren't particularly compatible characteristics. 

5. His nickname around the office: "The Capitulator." 

4. In the first pitch meeting, she calls you "Pinky" and your boss "Tubby."

3. Surly De Niroesque responses of "Are you talkin' to me?" unnerve customers. 

2. Doesn't care if you don't buy anything as long as you laugh at his Ghandi impersonation. 

1. Claims everything he sells can "double as an ass scratcher."