MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET On Woman
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115
lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large
quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common
ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.
HAZZARDS:
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal
Male Bashing
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.
Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.
Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.
Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.
Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.
Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.
Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.
Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.
Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.
Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man.
Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.
Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
A: He moved there.
Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.
Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes
Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head
Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer
Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!
Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing
Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by
Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?/?
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
2. No business.
Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.
Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.
Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.
Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker!
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!
Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time?
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!
Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!
Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.
College Courses for Women
2...The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits.
3...Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday.
4...Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5...Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6...An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7...Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8...Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9...Valuation - Just because it's not important to you.
10..Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11..Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking.
12..What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13..Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire.
14..Real women drink their share at a party.
15..Telephones - How to hang up.
16..Parking - Beginners Course.
17..Parking (Advanced) - Reversing into a parking space.
18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor.
19..Managing your weight - It's not water retention, it's fat.
20..Learning to cook I - Bran in not food.
21..Learning to cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22..Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.
23..PMS - Your problem, not his.
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