Women's Language

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A must-read for all men.
Keywords and their meanings: 

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel
we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of
those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it's an even trade. 

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting
to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and
end with a huffy "Fine." 

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." 

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't
care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to
you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing." 

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one
of the few things that some men actually understand. She is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content. 

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble.
Example:
"Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you
were doing last night."
If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the
nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is
done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her
to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a
sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you
will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so
unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them. 

THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you
have done.
"That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in
the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going
to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair
chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a
"That's OK." 

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're
welcome." 

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks
A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that
you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by
the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
"Loud Sigh," as she will only
say "Nothing."
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

Dumb Pick up lines

All those curves, and me with no brakes. 

Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long. 

Bond. James Bond. 

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. 

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her. 

Can I buy you a car? 

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Can I flirt with you? 

Can I have directions to your heart? 

Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine. 

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 

Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams. 

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 

Do you like apples? How about I take you home and screw the hell out of you, how'd you like them apples? 

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I? 

Do you take it up the ass? 

Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, don't you like pizza? 

Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist.

Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine. 

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. 

Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw 

Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 

Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

Sex is a killer, so do you want to die happy? 

That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. 

Want to screw like bunnies? 

I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels now.

What Women Say & What They Mean

Can't we just be friends?

There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your bodytouch mine, again.

I just need some space...without you in it.

Can you help me with my homework?

If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

Do I look fat in this dress?

We haven't had a fight in a whlile.

No, pizza's fine.

Cheap bastard.

I just don't want a boyfriend now

I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I don't know; what do you want?

I can't believe you don't have anything planned.

Come here

My puppy does this too.

I like you but...

I don't like you.

You never listen.

You never listen.

We're moving too quickly

I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if the guy with the convertible has a g/f.

I'll be ready in a minute.

I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself.

I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.

Oh Yes! Right there.

Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'm just going out with the girls.

We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

There's no one else.

I am doing your brother.

Size doesn't count...

...unless I want an orgasm.

You are so nice!

You are such a wimp I could never be sexually attracted to you.

Do you love me?

Do you love me more than my husband?

Oh, these flowers are beautiful.

Can I help you spell J-E-W-E-L-R-Y?

What did you do today?

You better have a damn good reason for not calling.

We should pick it out together.

I'll choose.