holy matrimony

 

Funny Weather

·        What is the Mexican weather report?
Chilli today and hot tamale. 

·        A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.  The husband picked up the phone and said, 'Hello? How the heck do I know? What do you think I am a weatherman?’ He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.' Who was that?' asked his wife. 'I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.' 

·        There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.  It's called Monday.

·        Summer in the UK usually:
Hallo, did you have a good Summer?
Yes indeed, we had a great barbeque that afternoon.

·        One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear, 'she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, 'The big sissy.' 

INTERESTING ENGLISH WORDS

• The longest word in the English language.
  According to folk-lore Antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the dictionary, it means being against separating church and state.  However, floccinaucinihilipilification, a word found in the Oxford English dictionary since 1800, is one letter longer.  This strange word means estimating that something is worthless.While the Oxford English Dictionary has even longer words such as pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, these are compound technical words and many people discount them.
• The longest one-syllable word in the English language is 'screeched.'
• The longest place-name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
• Los Angeles's full name is 'El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula' and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, 'L.A.'
• The name for Oz in the 'Wizard of Oz' was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence 'Oz.'
• The longest common word that you can type with just the left hand is probably 'Stewardesses', however there is the obscure but longer: 'Aftercataracts'.  With the right hand the longest word is Phyllophyllin.  (Lolypop comes close, but as Groucho Marx would say: 'no cigar')
• To 'testify' was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
• The combination 'ough' can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all 'A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.'
• The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
• Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning 'containing arsenic.'
• The word 'Checkmate' in chess comes from the Persian phrase 'Shah Mat,' which means 'the king is dead'.
• There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, 'therein' the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
• The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
• The word 'set' has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
• 'Underground' is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters 'und.'

   DID YOU KNOW ??(PART 2)

• The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
• Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
• Time magazine's 'Man of the Year' for 1938 was Adolph Hitler.
• The Main Library at Indiana University, USA, sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
• Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
• It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic, and 200 million to make a film about it.
• A woman's arthritic pains will almost always disappear as soon as she becomes pregnant.  No one knows why.
• Your body contains 60,000 miles of blood vessels.
• Nebraska has more miles of river than any other US state.
• Oak trees can live 200 or more years.
• An ostrich egg needs to be boiled for 2 hours to get a hard-boiled egg.
• Ninety percent of all teenagers suffer from some form of acne.
• Avocados have more protein than any other fruit.
• Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life.
• Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a lavatory to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
• Argan Oil You may be surprised to find that goats are able to climb trees. In Morocco goats climb Argan trees to consume delicious berries which are similar to olives. Local farmers follow these goats because fruit of the Argan tree has the nut inside which is used to make delicious cooking oil. Another interesting fact is that Morocco goats spit or excrete these nuts, which then farmers use to make the Argan oil. However, Argan trees are very close to extinction because of the tree wood harvesting.
• Olimpic Flag The Official Olympic Flag Created by Pierre de Coubertin in 1914, the Olympic flag contains five interconnected rings on a white background. The five rings symbolize the five significant continents and are interconnected to symbolize the friendship to be gained from these international competitions. The rings, from left to right, are blue, yellow, black, green, and red. These colours were chosen because at least one of them appeared on the flag of every country in the world. The Olympic flag was first flown during the 1920 Olympic Games.
• Statue Horses If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

DID YOU KNOW ??(PART 1)

• Leonardo da Vinci was able to draw with one hand while writing with the other.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

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• Anne Boleyn had six fingers on each hand.
• Mel Blanc [the voice of Bugs Bunny] was allergic to carrots.
• Pope John Paul the 2nd became a honorary Harlem Globetrotter in the year 2000.
• Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot.
• The first owner of Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
• The average person in their life time will eat 60,000 pounds of food, the weight of approximately six elephants.
• 25% of the bones in your body are in your feet.  Also, Your ribs move about five million times a year.
• Most of the dust particles in your house are dead skin.
• The average person laughs thirteen times a day. Are you average?
• Men are more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
• Amateur boxer Joe Flanagan named his two sons Bob and Weave.
• Drivers kill more deer than hunters.
• William Semple, a dentist, invented chewing gum to exercise the jaw.

• Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

• More people use blue toothbrushes than red.
• Everybody's tongue print is as unique as their finger print.
• A hardworking adult will sweat up to four gallons of water per day.
• Fingernails grow nearly four times faster than toenails.

LIFE’S INSTRUCTIONS

Sing in the shower.
Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
Watch a sunrise at least once a year.
Leave the toilet seat in the down position.
Never refuse homemade brownies.
Strive for excellence, not perfection.
Plant a tree on your birthday.
Learn 3 clean jokes.
Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
Compliment 3 people every day.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

 
Leave everything a little better than you found it.

Keep it simple.

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

Floss your teeth.

Ask for a raise when you think you've earned it.

Overtip breakfast waitresses.

Be forgiving of yourself and others.

Say, "Thank you" a lot.

Say, "Please" a lot.

Avoid negative people.

Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards.

Wear polished shoes.

Remember other people's birthdays.

Commit yourself to constant improvement.

Carry jumper cables in your truck.

Have a firm handshake.

Send lots of Valentine cards.

Sign them, "Someone who thinks you're terrific."

Look people in the eye.

Be the first to say hello.

Use the good silver.

Return all things you borrow.

Make new friends, but cherish the old ones.

Keep a few secrets.

Sing in a choir.

Plant flowers every spring.

Have a dog. (Or cat)

Always accept an outstretched hand.

Stop blaming others.

Take responsibility for every area of your life.

Wave at kids on school busses.

Be there when people need you.

Feed a stranger's expired parking meter.

Don't expect life to be fair.

Never underestimate the power of love.

Drink champagne for no reason at all.
Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation.
Don't be afraid to say, "I made a mistake."
Don't be afraid to say, "I don't know."
Compliment even small improvements.
Keep your promises no matter what.
Marry for love.
Rekindle old friendships.
Count your blessings.
Call your mother.

Some smart words to guide you through YOUR LIFE

 
·  Patience is the companion of wisdom - Saint Augustine
·  Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow - Aristotle
·  To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it - Confucius
·  He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot.  He that dare not is a slave - Andrew Carnegie
·  An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind - Shakyamuni Buddha
·  The only way to have a friend is to be one - Ralph Waldo Emerson
·  You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist - Indira Gandhi
·  You must be the change you wish to see in the world - Mahatma Gandhi
·  A bowl belongs to whoever needs it - A Native American saying
·  Without memory, there is no healing; without forgiveness, there is no future - Desmond Tutu
·  Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something - Plato
·  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder – Anon
·  The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian    Pickrell 

·  Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknown
·  He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - Unknown
·  I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams
·  The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William Shakespeare
·  Silence and smile are two powerful words.  Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - Anon
·  Knowledge talks, wisdom listens
·  There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full - Henry Kissinger
·  He could start a row in an empty house - Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise
·  I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure - Clarence Darrow
·  He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire - Winston Churchill
·  I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. Fields
·  In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie Brown
·  To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone - Reba McEntire
·  Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway - Anon
·  Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success
·  A wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15

wisdom, knowledge and experience Can Be Sometimes Funny

• James, a young boy of 6, turned to his Grandfather and says, 'When you die, Grampy, I don't want your money. Please will you leave me your memory'
• Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you
• Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so: Douglas Adams
• We can only learn to love by loving: Iris Murdock
• Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes: Oscar Wilde
• These days people seek knowledge, not wisdom. Knowledge is of the past, wisdom is of the future: Vernon Cooper
• Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't: Pete Seeger
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
• Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards: Vernon Sanders Law
• There is a fine line between genius and insanity
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
• Experience is not what happens to a man, it's what a man does with what happens to him: Aldous Huxley
• A light heart lives long: William Shakespeare
• Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?: Jay Leno
• Imagination is more important than knowledge: Albert Einstein
• Change is inevitable; except from vending machines
• You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing

THIS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU GET OLD (PART 2)

·        My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

·        The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

·        I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 

·        ·  I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

·       ·   I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

·        ·  I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

·    ·  The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

·        If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

·        And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

·        You could run these walking jokes over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

• Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• The easiest way to find something that's lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you?
• A penny saved is a government oversight.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

• He who hesitates is almost certainly right.
• Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
• There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt..
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

THIS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU GET OLD (PART 1)

·        Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

·        In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

·        No one expects you to run into a burning building.

·        People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

·        People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

·        There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

·        Things you buy now won't wear out.

·        You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

·        You can live without sex but not without glasses.

·        You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

·        You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

·        You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.

·        You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

·        You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

·        You sing along with elevator music. 

·       ·  Your eyes won't get much worse.

·        · Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

·        · Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

·        Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

·        Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

·        You can't remember who sent you this list.

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.  Friedrich Nietzsche

These words will inspire you to kind deeds

·  Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. - Author unknown

·  Kind words are short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. - Mother Teresa

 

·  This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. - William Shakespeare

 

·  The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson

·  Character is what you do when no one is looking. - Henry Huffman

·  It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself. - Ann Eleanor Roosevelt

·  Nothing is more noble, nothing more venerable than fidelity. Faithfulness and truth are the most sacred excellences and endowments of the human mind. - Cicero

 

 ·  There are three things which are real: God, human folly, and laughter. Since the first two pass our comprehension, we must do what we can with the third. - Aubrey Menen

·  If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters. - Alan Simpson

·  Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.

inspiring words from the famous which will make you fill happy 

• One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. - Sophocles
• Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young. - Arthur Wing Pinero
• To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven. - Karen Sunde
• Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. - Marcel Proust
• At the end of the day, love and compassion will win. - Terry Waite 

• Beauty is truth, and truth is beauty - John Keats 

• A thing of beauty is a joy forever: its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness. - John Keats

• Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. - Henry David Thoreau
• Never refuse any advance of friendship, for if nine out of ten bring you nothing, one alone may repay you. - Madame de Tencin
• Do not save your loving speeches for your friends till they are dead; Do not write them on their tombstones, Speak them rather now instead. - Anna Cummins
• The deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy. - Alfred North Whitehead
• Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.  Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde
• If you want to be happy, be. - Leo Tolstoy
• Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours. - Swedish Proverb
• Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. - Swedish proverb

• Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby. 

SOME FUNNY PICTURES FOR TODAY

FUNNY ADVERTISEMENTS HIDDEN MESSAGES

• Semi-annual after-Christmas sale.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $10.00.
• Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Tattoos done while you wait.

• Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• Wanted: Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
• Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?
• A person should bathe once in summer but not so often in winter.
• Chemical Formula of Water has two gins - Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin while Hydrogin is gin and water.
• Spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
• Definition of Census taker - a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
• Definition of Syntax - Tax paid by the sinners at the church.
• Definition of Virgin Forest - It is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
• Future tense of 'I give' - 'I take'.
• Houses in France are generally made up of Plaster of Paris.
• Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
• Parts of Speech - Lungs and air.
• The word 'trousers' is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
• What is H2O and CO2? - H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. 

• What the residents of Moscow are called? - Mosquitoes.
• Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• It's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow. How cold will it be?
• Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
• Why do banks charge you an 'insufficient funds' fee on money they already know you don't have?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

• Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?