I'm A Senior Citizen
- I'm the life of
the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
- I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
- I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?
AAADD
Recently, I was
diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it
manifests:
I decide to wash my
car.
As I start toward
the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go
through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys
down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and
notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put
the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook
off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are
in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke
that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look
for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't
accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke
is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep
it cold.
As I head toward
the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my
eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down
on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been
searching for all morning.
I decide I better
put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses
back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot
the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that
tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I
won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back
in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water
on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote
back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down
the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the
day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of
Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still
only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my
glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to
figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I
was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a
serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll
check my e-mail.
Don't laugh -- if
this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
You Know You're Old...
1. ...When your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
2. ...When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore
but just holds you up to the light.
3. ...When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
4. ...When you remember when the Dead Sea was
only sick.
5. ...When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and
make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
6. ...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
7. ...When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.
8. ...You know you're getting old when your semi-annual
erection becomes an annual semi-erection!
9. ...You and your teeth don't sleep together.
10.
...Your back goes
out, but you stay home.
11.
...You wake up,
looking like your driver's license picture.
12.
...It takes two
tries to get up from the couch.
13.
...Your idea of a
night out is sitting on the patio.
14.
...Happy hour is a
nap.
15.
...When you step
off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still
there.
16.
...Your idea of
weight lifting is standing up
17.
...It takes longer
to rest than it did to get tired.
...Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
...Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
18.
...The pharmacist
has become you new best friend.
19.
...It takes twice
as long to look half as good.
20.
...The twinkle in
your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
21.
...You look for
your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all
the time.
22.
...You get two
invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you
home the earliest.
23.
...You give up all
your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
24.
...You have more
patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
25.
...You sit in a
rocking chair and can't get it going.
26.
...You confuse
having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
27.
...You wonder how
you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
28.
...You don't know
real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
29.
...Let's face it,
traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than
you are.
30.
...Every time you
suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
31.
...You're suffering
from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my
car.
32.
...Age always
corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
33.
...Your investment
in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
34.
...It's harder and
harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
35.
...If you've never
smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
36.
...People no longer
view you as a hypochondriac.
37.
...Your secrets are
safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
38.
...Your supply of
brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
39.
...Your eyes won't
get much worse.
40.
...Adult diapers
are actually kind of convenient.
41.
...Things you buy
now won't wear out.
42.
...No one expects
you to run into a burning building.
43.
...There's nothing
left to learn the hard way.
44.
...Your joints are
more accurate than the National Weather Service.
45.
...In a hostage
situation you are likely to be released first.
46.
...You're sitting
on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
47.
...You light the
candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing
"Kumbaya."
48.
...Someone
compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
49.
...You start video
taping daytime game shows.
50.
...You wonder why
you waited so long to take up macramé.
51.
...At cafeterias,
you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
52.
...Your new easy
chair has more options than your car.
53.
...Conversations
with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
54.
...It takes a
couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
55.
...You're on a TV
game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
56.
...You find
yourself beginning to like accordion music.
57.
...You begin every
other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
58.
...You run out of
breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
59.
...You look both
ways before crossing a room.
60.
...You come to the conclusion
that your worst enemy is gravity.
61.
...You frequently
find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
62.
...You realize that
a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
63.
...Your childhood
toys are now in a museum.
64.
...Many of your
co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
65.
...The clothes
you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
66.
...All of your
favorite movies are now re-released in color.
67.
...The car that you
bought brand new becomes an antique.
68.
...You're asleep,
but others worry that you're dead.
69.
...Your back goes
out more than you do.
70.
...You quit trying
to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
71.
...You buy a
compass for the dash of your car.
72.
...You are proud of
your lawn mower.
73.
...Your best friend
is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
74.
...Your arms are
almost too short to read the newspaper.
75.
...You sing along
with the elevator music.
76.
...You would rather
go to work than stay home sick.
77.
...You constantly
talk about the price of gasoline.
78.
...You enjoy
hearing about other people's operations.
79.
...You consider
coffee one of the most important things in life.
80.
...You no longer
think of speed limits as a challenge.
81.
...Neighbors borrow your tools.
82.
...People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
83.
...You have a dream
about prunes.
84.
...You send money
to PBS.
85.
...The end of your
tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
86.
...You take a metal
detector to the beach.
87.
...You wear black
socks with sandals.
88.
...You know what
the word "equity" means.
89.
...You can't
remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
90.
...Your ears are
hairier than your head.
91.
...You talk about
"good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
92.
...You get into a
heated argument about pension plans.
93.
...You got cable
for the weather channel.
94.
...You can go
bowling without drinking.
95.
...You have a party
and the neighbors don't even realize it.
96.
...Everything that
works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
97.
...You feel like
the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
98.
...Your little
black book only contains names ending in M.D.
99.
...Your children
are beginning to look middle-aged.
100.
...Your mind makes
contracts your body can't keep.
101.
...You look forward
to a dull evening.
102.
...Your knees
buckle and your belt won't.
103.
...You sink your
teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
104.
...You know all the
answers, but nobody asks the questions.
105.
...You don't
remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
106.
...You finally got
your head together, now your body is falling apart.
107.
...You don't
remember being absent minded.
108.
..."Getting a
little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
109.
...Getting lucky
means you find your car in the parking lot.
110.
...Tying one on
means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
Smithsonian Institute, Paleoanthropology
Letter of Rejection
Paleoanthropology
Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
16-July-1998
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
16-July-1998
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your
latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to
the clothesline post. Hominid skull."
We have given this
specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we
disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the
presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."
Rather, it appears
that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of
our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a
great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite
certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field
were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel
that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have
tipped you off to it's modern origin:
The material is
molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
The cranial
capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the
threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
The dentition
pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common
domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding
is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily
against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
1 - The specimen
looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
2 - Clams don't
have teeth.
It is with feelings
tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen
carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's
normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in
fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best of our
knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is
likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your
request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department
with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
"Australopithecus spiff-arino."
Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed
taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected
was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly
accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While
it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another
riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly.
You should know
that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the
display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and
the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly
anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last
letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly
interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the
"trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural
matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you
recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Best Letter Of Complaint Ever
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL
customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable
TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have
encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered
possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to
provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional
prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I
suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while
away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in
your office:
My initial
installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire
Saturday sitting on my fat ass waiting for your technician to arrive. When he
did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold
music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at
your helpful website.... HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my
testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar
and highly adept.
The rescheduled
installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did
forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his
cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15
telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your Internet servers
downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight,
Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.
I am still waiting
for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help
line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been
informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
that no telephone line is available and someone will call me back); that I will
be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and
then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is
closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are
no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other
dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially
important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't
care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print
than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British
Telecom were sh*t, that they had attained the holy p*ss-pot of god-awful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested,
less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.
That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly
are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the
highest order.
BT - wankers though
they are – shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled
mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now
given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from
you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment
from me for the services, which you have so pointedly and catastrophically
failed to deliver- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity
and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small
deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression
of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were
satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable
disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate
texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's
worthless employees.
Have a nice day -
may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent
and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts.
These are allegedly answers that were
actually given in G.C.S.E (UK)
school exams
Q: Name the four
seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be
made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew
formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by
sky.
Q: What causes the
tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.
All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic
society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen
when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets
still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to
your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A:
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major
disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer
does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you
delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(e.g. abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the
Fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A:
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning
of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a
district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a
terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a
characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so
they look like umbrellas.
Q: Use the word
"judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A:
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A:
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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ALZHEIMER'S CENTER
PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO
REMEMBER.
REMEMBER.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got
married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Dumb Crooks
A repeat offender
got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties,
a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal
mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard which turned his petty theft
into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three
years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him
away for life without the possibility of parole.
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing
life in prison for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the
man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the
bullet struck the man in the nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else
had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in
his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with
a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon.
The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man
has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is
asking the judge to send him away for life. The man's public defender calls
that "ridiculous," and says the man's injury is punishment enough.
A luckless thief
pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the
store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to
hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside
the store and called the police.
A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a
valuable lesson: if you're going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to
remove pictures of the original owner's grandchildren before setting the stuff
up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria in
Calabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a
March robbery. A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside a Myrtle Beach restaurant where
cops found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to the side of it.
The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.
During a high
school break-in in Plymouth, North
Carolina, two
burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by
taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure
out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and
left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around
with a digital camera. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and
got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly
arrested.
A Nevada fugitive wanted on
fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his
cover by applying for a job as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered
the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed
both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the
man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served
him with an arrest warrant instead.
The following are all
replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the
section listing a father's details:
Regarding the
identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was
conceived on the same night.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind.
I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.
I do not know the
name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that
night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage
to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one
of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area
and see if he's had it replaced.
I have never had
sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's
conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country. Please advise.
I do not know who
the father of my child was, as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm
that he wore a Royal Green Jacket.
Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch
up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
From the dates it
seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have
remained unfertilized.
I am unsure as to
the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans
you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Questions asked on the show
'Family Fortunes', and the contestants' replies... enjoy.
Q. Name something a
blind person might use
A. A sword
A. A sword
Q. Name a song with
moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon
A. Blue Suede Moon
Q. Name a bird with
a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell
A. Naomi Campbell
Q. Name an
occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar
A. A burglar
Q. Name a famous
brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde
A. Bonnie & Clyde
Q. Name an item of
clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse
A. A horse
Q. Name something
that floats in the bath
A. Water
A. Water
Q. Name something
you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair
A. A deckchair
Q. Name something
Red
A. My cardigan
A. My cardigan
Q. Name a famous
cowboy
A. Buck Rogers
A. Buck Rogers
Q. Name a number
you have to memorize
A. 7
A. 7
Q. Name something
you do before going to bed
A. Sleep
A. Sleep
Q. Name something
you put on walls
A. Roofs
A. Roofs
Q. Name something
in the garden that's green
A. Shed
A. Shed
Q. Name something
that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings
A. A bicycle with wings
Q. Name something
you might be allergic to
A. Skiing
A. Skiing
Q. Name a famous
bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters
A. The bridge over troubled waters
Q. Name something
you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate
A. Decorate
Q. Name an animal
you might see at the zoo
A. A dog
A. A dog
Q. Name something
associated with the police
A. Pigs
A. Pigs
Q. Name a sign of
the zodiac
A. April
A. April
Q. Name something
slippery
A. A conman
Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish
A. A conman
Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish
Q. Name a food that
can be brown or white
A. Potato
A. Potato
Q. Name a jacket
potato topping
A. Jam
A. Jam
Q. Name a famous
Scotsman
A. Jock
A. Jock
Q. Name another
famous Scotsman
A. Vinnie Jones (English Footballer... not so famous)
A. Vinnie Jones (English Footballer... not so famous)
Q. Name something
with a hole in it
A. Window
A. Window
Q. Name a
non-living object with legs
A. Plant
A. Plant
Q. Name a domestic
animal
A. Leopard
A. Leopard
Q. Name a part of
the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee
A. Knee
Q. Name a way of cooking
fish
A. Cod
A. Cod
Q. Name a famous
royal
A. Mail
A. Mail
Q. Name a dangerous
race
A. The Arabs
A. The Arabs
Q. A job a working
dog does
A. Slave
A. Slave
Q. A type of large
cat
A. Persian
A. Persian
Q. A type of record
A. Floppy disc
A. Floppy disc
[To a contestant
who was a SOUP salesman]
Q. A food that can be easily eaten without chewing
A. Er, chips?
Q. A food that can be easily eaten without chewing
A. Er, chips?
Q. Something you
beat
A. An apple
A. An apple
Q. Something
slippery
A. A con-man
A. A con-man
Q. A form of
transport you can walk around in
A. My foot
A. My foot
Q. A method of
securing your home
A. Put the kettle on
A. Put the kettle on
Q. Something a cat
does
A. Goes to the toilet
A. Goes to the toilet
Q. An animal
beginning with the letter B
A. Bullfrog
A. Bullfrog
Q. The last thing
you take off before going to bed
A. Your feet
A. Your feet
Q. Something that
makes you scream
A. A squirrel
A. A squirrel
Q. Something with a
red light on it
A. A Dalek [monster in Brit sci-fi series Dr. Who]
A. A Dalek [monster in Brit sci-fi series Dr. Who]
Q. Something you
open other than a door
A. Your bowels.
A. Your bowels.
