TOP OF THE TOP

10 Polite Ways to Say "Your Zipper is Down"

 
Top Ten List (David Letterman)


10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9.  Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his  bells.

8.  You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7.  Paging Mr. Johnson ... Paging Mr. Johnson.

6.  Elvis has left the building.

5.  The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4.  Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3.  You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2.  Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

1.  You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

The Top 15 Truth-in-Advertising Names of Personal Care Products

15> Nair -- Pelt-Away

14> Old Spice -- Eau de Grandpa

13> Dr. Scholl's Corn Pads -- Beats BITING Them Off

12> Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion -- Sgt. Zipper's Lonely Hearts Club "Hand" Cream

11> Trojan Condoms -- SkankSafe

10> Wart-B-Gone -- Put Down Those Goddam Toads!

 9> FDS -- CrotchGuard

 8> Preparation H -- SitAgin

 7> Q-Tips -- Jam It In! We Dare Ya!

 6> Nyquil -- Kid-Booze

 5> Cover Girl Makeup - Covers Ugly Girls Makeup

 4> Tampax -- Suck It Up, Missy!

 3> Tom's of Maine -- Gee, Your Teeth Smell Like Pete Moss!

 2> K-Y Jelly -- J-O Jelly

 1> Chanel No. 5 -- Catbox No. 2

The Top 16 Signs a Spaceship Is Homemade

16> Twenty percent more duct tape than Mir.

15> It's highly unlikely NASA would name its orbital lander the "USS PACKERS! Wooo! Go Packers!"

14> You currently owe Duracell $138,845,000.

13> Two words: cheese tailfins.

12> Take-off requires beans, a butane lighter and a well-timed finger pull.

11> Thrusters can be set to high, medium, low and simmer.

10> Doilies on the control board?
Potpourri in the cargo bay?
MOM!!!

9> The on-board meal: a lovingly packed PB&J cut in the shape of a rocket, a Juicy Juice box and a Twinkie that your jerk older brother smashed flat.

8> "Rocket sound" comes from playing cards stuck in the O-rings.

7> The chief engineer was forced to remove the nose cone of the lunar landing module to grill burgers for dinner.

6> Centrifugal force is measured in "Kenny Gs."

5> It just plain tastes better than those store-bought spaceships.

4> The only 'tang on board is the pilot's mistress.

3> The "heat shield"? A dozen oven mitts glued to a trash-can lid.

2> The top-secret mission? Launch a spy satellite over Jessica Simpson's shower.

1> Transmission from Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem."
Transmission from your ship: "Honey, I have a wedgie."

The Top 16 Features of Hooters Hotel and Casino

16> Family-oriented atmosphere. (Hefner, Flynt and Guccione families only)

15> Your odds at the tables are about the same as your odds with your waitress.

14> Dancers in the hotel's Risque Revue are more modestly clad than the croupiers.

13> Instead of black or red, roulette tables let you place bets on "real" or "fake."

12> Complimentary greasy hot wing on your pillow at night.

11> "Half-Off Night" -- when the cocktail waitresses all have wardrobe malfunctions.

10> A "Cooling-Off Room" featuring Linda Tripp reading poetry.

9> Slot machines galore, but nary a cherry to be found.

8> Commonly heard at *every* gaming table: "Hit me. Ohhhhh, yes, hit me!"

7> The bouncers are simply amazing.

6> Guy at the craps table yelling, "Seven! Come on, seven! Daddy needs a new pair of undershorts!"

5> Their slogan: "We've got the loosest sluts in town!"

4> Great laughs to be had watching stunned Harry Potter fans drawn in by the giant owl out front.

3> Now in the Hooters Theater: Cirque du Soleil's "Ho!"

2> Cries of "Snake-eyes!" have less to do with dice and more to do with tank tops and air conditioning.

1> Siegfried and Roy are no longer the biggest boobs in town.

The Top 16 Surprises at a Nudist Restaurant

16> Let's just say that getting wasabi in your eye isn't the worst thing that can happen.

15> Sizzling hot-plate dishes served with a side of aloe.

14> Who knew all the chefs at Benihana were Jewish?

13> Turns out silicone repels drawn butter, making lobster bibs unnecessary.

12> Their claim for "Best Sticky Buns in Town" refers to their vinyl seats.

11> Paris Hilton banned from entering.  Hey, they've got to maintain *some* standards.

10> The cook steadfastly refuses to budge from his "no bacon" rule.

 9> You'd be amazed how many straws and extra napkins a waitress can tuck into a fat roll.

 8> The waiters all wear thong hairnets.

 7> Surprisingly, it's easier to choke down snails when you've got boobs to look at.

 6> "Waiter, there's soup in my hair!" frequently heard throughout the evening.

 5> When you take out your credit card to pay, the cashier bends over and asks you to swipe it.

 4> The napkin goes *under* your lap.

 3> Waiters no longer have to take the soup back to the kitchen in order to get their revenge.

 2> Thanks to its extended "sneeze" guard, the salad bar looks like the popemobile.

 1> "I beg your pardon, sir -- I thought you were signaling for the check."

The Top 17 Indications Your Family May Be Dysfunctional

17> New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

16> Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

15> Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer.

14> In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

13> Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

12> Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.

11> Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menendez Family Christmas."

10> Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.

 9> Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.

 8> Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.

 7> You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.

 6> Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."

 5> You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.

 4> Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.

 3> Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

 2> Didn't make today's Top 5 List?  Dad holds ya, Mom beats ya.

 1> No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a meth lab.

The Top 19 Signs You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor

19> Only does patterns by Laura Ashley.

18> While working on your back, he keeps mumbling, "Damn, you breathed again."

17> Sundays feature their "Number of the Beast" special.

16> Needles sterilized with a quick dip in a shot of Cuervo.

15> Recently had their grant revoked by the National Endowment for the Arts.

14> Doesn't offer option between "young Elvis" and "Vegas Elvis."

13> A thousand head of cattle in the waiting room.

12> Artist keeps knocking back slugs from the bottle of rubbing alcohol "just to steady the ol' nerves."

11> Work samples on the walls are actual pieces of skin.

10> "Whaddaya mean you DON'T want a swastika?!!?"

 9> You ask for roses intertwined around a logic diagram of a basic 4-bit integer divide circuit, and they just have NO IDEA.

 8> Your appointment is always being rescheduled to accommodate some die-hard KISS fan.

 7> Mickey Rourke carried out on a stretcher as you arrive.

 6> There is an indescribable, existential malaise in the air.

 5> Tipper Gore in next chair getting her hair done.

 4> The only bikes parked outside are Schwinns and Huffys.

 3> You're served petit fours and cappuccino while waiting.

 2> Nothing sterile in sight, unless you count the employees with their court-ordered vasectomies.

 1> Your "Jesus on the Cross" constantly mistaken for "Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf."

The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up

16> They've begun moving into the basements of their parents' retirement homes.

15> 7-Eleven now offering early-bird specials on Jolt Cola and microwave burritos.

14> Raves now start at 5 p.m. and break up by 9 p.m. -- just in time for "The West Wing."

13> "Doom IV" now officially an Olympic event.

12> Ross and Rachel have moved to rural Vermont and are solving petty crimes with Sheriff Tom Bosley in the new series, "Old Friends."

11> "MTV's Real World: Suburban Omaha."

10> They're trading in their mosh-pit bangings for Sunday afternoon games of no-contact, non-competitive Ultimate Frisbee.

9> A panicky Larry King quickly learns to kiss Tony Hawk's ass.

8> Out: Stone Temple Pilots. In: Tso Temple Pilates.

7> The playlist this morning on your dentist's Muzak system: Fugazi, Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Green Day.

6> Out: Goth 24/7. In: Roth 401(k).

5> Getting sex more than twice a week now qualifies as an "Xtreme" event.

4> New Mountain Dew Code Blue

3> Then: acid-washed denim. Now: acid-washed duodenum.

2> All those gray goatees are giving you a permanent KFC jones.

1> They're ready to FIGHT for their RIGHT to PUDDING.

The Top 16 Signs Something's Gone Wrong in Your Vegas Show

16> The only people involved with the show who are wearing enormous, feathered headdresses are the lighting guys.

15> Audience members are clamoring for you to sing something from "back when you didn't suck."

14> Crowd cheers wildly at the sudden appearance of Blue Man Group.  The problem is that you're with Cirques du Soleil and those are actually the Amazing Plastic-Bag-on-the-Head-for-Too-Long Brothers.

13> Distracted by some cherries jubilee, Ann-Margaret bites a waiter in the jugular during her "Kitten With a Whip" routine.

12> The mob, not caring for "Johnny Wallenda's Italian Humor Revue," relocated your show to the hotel roof and renamed it "The Flying Wellenda -- One Night Only!"

11> No matter how many times you count, there is still an *odd* number of breasts on stage.

10> After removing the blindfold, you notice that the front-row patrons aren't covered with bits of watermelon, but with turtle guts.

9> As if it weren't bad enough that your big-budget, three-act extravaganza was written and directed by the Wachowski brothers, Keanu is your lead dancer.

8> Danny Gans is ill and his stand-in, Danny Glans, is doing his impression of a snail in a German army helmet.

7> Your "Lena the Stripper Magician" act leaves you precious few places to secrete the disappearing doves.

6> You just don't understand why sales for your "Bob Hope/Art Carney/John Ritter New Year's Eve Comedy Spectacular" aren't booming.

5> A slight scheduling mixup results in Lennox Lewis' 10-second knockout of Meat Loaf.

4> A berserk Penn Jillette is dragging you across the stage by your throat and you can't scream without breaking character.

3> You ate an apple too close to show time, and people did *not* pay to see Celine Dion look like a snake that just ate a pig whole.

2> Thanks to your hair-lipped costume designer, the chorus girls showed up with pastries on their breasts.

1> "For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer from the audience! You... yes, you, sir... come right up here on stage. What's your name?"
    "Attorney General John Ashcroft."

The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator

16> He shows up wearing tights and a beach-towel cape and shouts, "This is a job for Decoratorman!"

15> His stated intent to "Graceland this place up" is a little worrisome.

14> Suggests trying a scheme that's color-coordinated with your gastro-intestinal tract.

13> It turns out the only thing he has in common with Martha Stewart is a felony conviction.

12> Her default solution to any wall-covering situation? Clay Aiken posters.

11> Keeps trying to convince you of the decorative power of Quaker Rolled Oats.

10> Asks if you wouldn't mind storing some corpses for him in your basement "until the heat dies down."

9> Suggests you sell your kids "since they keep messing the place up."

8> As you enter your house for the first time, Tom Bodett and some guy with a violin are serenading you.

7> Her preferred living room fabric? Ham.

6> It's not really important to you that the carpet match both the cat AND your toupee.

5> You ask for a "country" decor; he gives you post-Nazi Poland.

4> Every single room is the same: aqua on one wall, orange on another and Dan Marino's face looking down from the ceiling.

3> "I call this look 'Abu Ghracious Living.'"

2> You're not sure exactly what's involved in a "Chuck Berry-style" bathroom, but it can't be good.

1> Thanks to Escher & Sons, you can no longer find your bathroom.

The Top 16 Other Manufactured Controversies

16> VP Dick Cheney says he saw Kerry take 12 items through the "10 Item or Less" lane at the Georgetown Safeway.

15> According to Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa corks his forearms, too.

14> The Sesame Street cast says that Bert's all-potassium diet is turning him into a walking banana.

13> Britney claims that Christina once uttered the phrase "not tonight."

12> Whitney Houston's drug rehabilitation has been put on hold while her doctors argue about whether her entourage are enablers, co-dependents or caretakers.

11> Ralph Nader claims the electoral system discriminates against the megalomaniacally insane.

10> Democratic party leaders Bill Clinton and Gary Hart accuse President Bush of clandestine monogamy and fidelity.

9> Kerry says that although he threw away his combat decorations, as a senior in high school Bush threw his equestrian medals into the large lake behind the family estate to protest the top billing of the school's football team over the polo team.

8> Rush Limbaugh alleges that Al Franken merely *skimmed* end-user agreements in software he purchased.

7> John Stamos says that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos bogarted all the face creams and bronzers.

6> Terry McAuliffe claims that George W. Bush's insistence that there is absolute truth is an outright rejection of the entire post-modern generation.

5> Alex Trebek insinuates that Pat Sajak is disregarding the rules by not requiring contestants to buy the "Y."

4> "The L.A. *Lakers*? Is Los Angeles known for its lakes? Shouldn't a sports franchise's nickname at least have some tangential connection to its host city's unique local culture? We think so. We are the Utah Jazz, and we approved this message."

3> Producers of "The Simple Life" claim they have video proof that Paris Hilton was *not* a virgin when they hired her for the show.

2> Elton John starts a nasty rumor that fellow adult-contemporary artist Sting once played in a rock and roll band.

1> Mary-Kate Olsen accuses sister Ashley of being a no-talent bimbo trading on her looks.

MAN AND WOMEN OR WOMEN AND MAN THATS THE QUESTION NOW

The Top 13 Clues a Beauty Contestant is Actually a Man

13> "And now, Miss West Virginia will sing 'Wind Beneath My Wings,' accompanied by her penis."

12> "I completely fail to see what people find interesting about Oprah."

11> When asked how she would help the world, she says "I'd get the Knicks a decent freakin' point guard, fer chrissakes."

10> "Here she is, Miss East Ger-man-yyy, ..."

9> Asks everyone, "Does this bikini make my package look big?"

8> Meticulously coiffed hair? Check.
Swimsuit? Check.
Black socks and sandals? Uh oh.

7> "And now for my talent segment, I'm going to write my name in the snow."

6> Gets lost backstage, then refuses to ask for directions.

5> There's only one contestant who can carry a spare towel into the shower and still scrub Miss Norway's back with both hands.

4> "If I could change one thing about the world, I'd like to have an all Three Stooges channel on cable."

3> Measurements: 36, 26, 7, 36

2> Wake up call -- 7:00am
Dressed and ready to go on stage -- 7:12am

1> "Now there's a nice touch: Miss Florida has pinned a tiny replica of her state on the front of her bikini bott-- Oh, my dear lord in heaven...."

It's Good to be a Man

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

The world is your urinal. I love this one...

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking 'He's mad at me.'

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Mars Eclipses Venus

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. . . To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:

Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking:
Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking:
But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even knog this person?

And Roger is thinking:
So that means it was ...let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking:
He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking:
And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking:
He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking:
They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags!

And Elaine is thinking:
Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking:
Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women!

Snap Judgments about Men and Women

Reading the signs: How to make shallow snap judgments

Taken from Women's Glibber The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize - and decode these key "signs":

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. -Doesn't engage in oral sex.
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. -No foreplay.
3. Man can't hail a cab. -Impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. -Prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way there. -Is a virgin.
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelight restaurant. -Compulsive Don Juan.
7. Insists on going to a homey little cafe. -Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. -Compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant. -Will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli. -Won't swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n' Low. -Wears falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order. -Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side. -Will give a hand job, but won't go "all the way". 14. Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress. -Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls. -Will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you. -Thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn't.
17. Asks for "the usual". -Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are. -Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers. -Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn't finish everything on the plate. -Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of what you ordered. -Will make you sleep on the wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering. -Will never call you. 23. Changes tables. -Nymphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf. -Fakes orgasm. (Female)
25. Orders in French. -Fakes orgasm. (Male)
26. Sends food back. -Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts. -Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. -Wants a hand job.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. -Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert. -Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets.
31. Credit card is refused. -Low sperm count.
32. Under tips waiter. -Small penis.
33. Under tipc parking valet. -Small penis.
34. Under tips cabbie. -Small penis.
35. Uses a toothpick. -Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
36. Has a removable cassette player in car. -Pulls out repeatedly during sex.
37. Has a cellular phone in car. -Has a penile implant.

You can't win...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defence.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious enough.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Differences between good girls and bad girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Goodgirls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

Good girls prefer the missionary postition.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say 'no'.
Bad girls say 'when?'

Top 47 Reasons for women NOT To Have Sex

1. The pitter patter of little feet

2. Never let 'em see you sweat

3. Your parents might realise that you're not 12 years old anymore

4. Naked men

5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT

6. You might like it

7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas

8. Paying back oral sex debts

9. Only pagans procreate

10. Castration

11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love

12. Body hair

13. Too many lights on in the room

14. Your roommate and neighbours can't sleep with all that screaming

15. Axl Rose

16. Since that nasty little Gulf War, there's no money left for research and treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases

17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album

18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law

19. Utah Abortion Law

20. Alabama Abortion Law

21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit

22. Yeast infections

23. Too sticky

24. Messes up your hair

25. Charley-horses

26. Bladder infections

27. Cher

28. "It's only a cold sore"

29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a public place, it's not private)

30. Hetero men who ask, "Did you come yet?"

31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot

32. Taking off the jimmy-hat

33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by axe murderers in hockey masks

34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation

35. Smegma

36. You still live with your parents

37. You love her but you're not *in love* with her

38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body

39. Drooling

40. Letters to the Editor

41. Calling out the wrong name

42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you're a Kennedy)

43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00

44. No one to have sex with

45. Carpet burn

46. Any offspring resultant from sex may end up looking like you!

47. Worse than No.46.. they could end up looking like him!

Things that Suck About Being a Guy

1) You have to take out the garbage.

2) Being told to put the seat down.

3) No sofas in your restrooms.

4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.

6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.

7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.

8) You have to wear ties.

9) You can't flirt you way out of a traffic ticket.

10) "Women and children first."

RELATIONS TODAY

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to date my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Degree Courses for Women

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.

Women's 45 Rules for Men

1. Call
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart," are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch," are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid coocking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering "Who was on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think.
27. Ditto for you discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don't let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

Male Bashing

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.

Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.

Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.

Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.

Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.

Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man.

Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.

Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
A: He moved there.

Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.

Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes

Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer

Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!

Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.

Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing

Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by

Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?/?

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
2. No business.

Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.

Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.

Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker!

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time?

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.

Laws of parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

The ten commandments of marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists

Yes, they're all true as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff.

1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?

2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh."

4. Are the bears with collars tame?

5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?

9. Are there birds in Canada?

10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

16. How far is Banff from Canada?

17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?

19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?

21. Are there phones in Banff?

22. So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles?

23. We're on the decibel system you know.

24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

25. Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?

26. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom."
Tourist: "Oh!"

27. Where do you put the animals at night?

Funny Yet True Fortune Cookie Blunders

Be thankful the next time you open up a fortune cookie that doesn?t have a fortune as strange as these:

Confucius say you have heart as big as Texas.

You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.

Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight never misses an appointment.

You will gain admiration from your pears.

You will receive a fortune cookie.

Never wear your best pants when you go to fight for freedom.

A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.

You love Chinese food.

Someone will invite you to a Karaoke party.

Don't behave with cold manners.

Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.

Don't forget you are always on our minds.

What you left behind is more mellow than wine.

There is no mistake so great as that of being always right.

Never forget a friend. Especially if he owes you.

A tub and a rub will change your day.

THAT WASN'T CHICKEN.

Suppose you can get what you want.

If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you know it, eat a monkey.

It's about time I got out of that cookie.

The greatest danger could be your stupidity.

Eat your vegetable and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.

To lower your stress level, get a cat.

Your present plants are going to succeed.

A nice cake is waiting for you.

Taxi driver in New york

There is this taxi driver in New York City, and it is nearing the end of his shift but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night. So he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab.

Now, the nun is getting very upset by this and says, "Um...can I help you??!!"

The taxi driver looks very embarrassed and says, "I'm sorry, its very embarrassing, I cannot say."

And the nun looks at him and says, "Now, my son, I have been in this business far too long to be disturbed by anything you have to say, so go ahead."

The driver thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, well, for as long as I can remember, I have had the biggest fantasy about kissing a nun."

She looks amused at first then replies, "Well, I think I can help you with that! but first you must promise me two things, the first is that you are a Catholic, the second is that you are single. If you can promise this, I shall give you what you ask for."

And the driver says, "Great!! Sure I'm a single Catholic!!"

So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss. Porn stars would be envious of this kiss. And they finish up and get back on the road.

Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again. Just staring at her, and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says, "Well, I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. You see, I'm not a catholic, and I'm also married."

The nun smiles and says, "Well, I haven't been honest with you either...My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Things to think about

-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

-It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.

-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

-Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

-Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

-Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

-It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.

-On the other hand, you have different fingers.

-Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

- Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

- Common Sense Isn't.

- Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.

- It may be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others.

- A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.

- War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

It's Good to be a Man

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours. 

Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

Chocolate is just another snack. 

You can be president. 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 

Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut. 

The world is your urinal. I love this one... 

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking. 

Same work... more pay. 

Wrinkles add character. 

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

One mood, ALL the time. 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

You know stuff about tanks. 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

You can open all your own jars. 

You can leave the motel bed unmade. 

You can kill your own food. 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack. 

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 

Everything on your face stays its original color. 

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. 

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking 'He's mad at me.' 

You don't mooch off other's desserts. 

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 

You don't have to shave below your neck. 

Your belly usually hides your big hips. 

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 

You can 'do' your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth. 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." 

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works. 

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." 

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." 

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?" 

"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." 

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." 

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." 

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" 

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." 

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." 

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." 

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." 

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Women Speak

What Woman Say vs. What Women Really Mean

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? ... really means, "There is no way I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... really means, "without you in it."

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?... really means, "We haven't had a fight in a while."

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.... really means, "you cheap slob!"

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. ... really means, "I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? ... really means, "I can't believe you have nothing planned!"

COME HERE. ... really means, "My puppy does this, too."

I LIKE YOU, BUT... really means, "I don't like you."

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.... really means, "just not in that way."

YOU NEVER LISTEN. ... really means, "You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. ... really means, "I'm not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.... really means, "I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will."

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. ... really means, "I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going Dutch."

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. .... really means, "We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

Men won't say

Let's watch Lifetime!

Sex is overrated.

I don't want to go too far on the first date.

Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.

There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.

I'm glad I don't have a large thing between my legs.       

 

My hips are too big.

Aw, can't we watch Oprah?

Does this suit make me look fat?

I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.