For a smile today

A Police Stop at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2am

and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about

alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,

as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks,

"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

                  5 rules in life that we know are true, but they conceal:

1.      Money can not buy happiness, but it is more comfortable to cry in a Ferrari, than the bike.

2.      Forgive an enemy, but remember his name

3.      Help when someone is in trouble and he will remember you when it is again in trouble.

4.      Many people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.

5.      Alcohol does not solve the problem, but again, on the other hand, does not solve them either milk 

Joke for today

Who is the Father?

  A guy went up to his father saying:
  "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
  Father: That's great son. Who is it?
  Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
  Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son,
  but you must promise not to tell your mother.. Sandra is actually your sister.
 
  The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later ...
  Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
  Father: That's great son. Who is it?
  Son: It's Angela, The other neighbour's daughter.
  Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.
 
  This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
 
 Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!
 
 The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
 "My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father".

Football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid theM.

The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,the second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
Duck.

For a smile today

Smiles and laughter are the best way to start (or end) every day. So, no matter when you  get the chance to open this, I hope you laugh, ---  

 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
       (Hardly seems worth it.)
  If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
      (Now that's more like it!)
  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
     (O.M.G.!)
  A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
     (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its  head  before it starves to death.   (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
  Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)
  The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
  The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
  (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
  The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
  Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
  Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
  The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
            (Hmmmmmm.......)
  Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
  Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

 
  A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
  An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
  Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
          (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

  Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

Spread the stupidity today

Why do supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.

 EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women  put on mascara with their mouth closed? I canJ

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that  stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while