Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Application
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
A Man's View of a Relationship
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered again take it, because it'll never be quite the same.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it will last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of the month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night--then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness!!!!!!!!!
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
Things Men Want Women to Remember
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking a holes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate to love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (e.g., microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon her infant when it.walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out, too. Let's spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want answers to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. Dogs good. Cats bad.
20. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
21. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall," you have to sit through "Showgirls."
22. "Fine!" is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
23. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
24. He was not looking at that other girl.
25. Well, okay... maybe a little.
26. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy.
27. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
28. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
29. Your select appropriate item: butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As.a matter of fact, it/they look d*mned good. Stop asking.
30. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
31. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your period with him.
32. Remember: That Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
33. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, looks fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organised in this manner.
34. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Andepson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than he is. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
36. Don't hog the covers.
37. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.
38. He does not just want to be friends.
39. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours doesn't mean it's any less important.
Monday, October 29, 2012
How to Talk About Men & Still be Politically Correct
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIALINVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
Men and Women
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE
Why do men like love at first sight?
Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
A woman of5 thinks of having children. What does a man of5 think of?
How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
Their target audience is women.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A mute nymphomanic 8 year old girlfriend.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
Penis envy.
Why do women have mid-life crises?
Because Phil and Oprah say they're supposed to.
How does a woman show she's planning for the future?
Plastic Surgury.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Sex, stupid.
What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she's God's gift?
Trade her in for two 20 year olds.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Because they're so rare.
What's the difference between a wife and a job.
After 5 years, the job still sucks.
Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera?
Cause it's the same tired old plot, year in and year out.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
Biographies of Happy women
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them.
His and Her ATM
HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c stopped too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Advantages of older women...
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to and older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.
Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Reasons For John's Sex Change
10. Lower auto insurance premiums.
9. Easier to get job because of hiring quotas
8. Cleaner restrooms.
7. Tired of boring men's fashions and wants something new and exciting.
6. Women live longer.
5. Can get easily picked up in bars.
4. Really likes the guy next door but knows that he is not gay.
3. Failed to make the MEN'S U.S. Olympic Ski Team.
2. Wants to be an assistant to Clarence Thomas to find out if "it's really true".
And the number 1 reason why John is officially becoming a woman:
1. PMS - An Incredible Sensory Experience!!!
How to Shower like a Man!
How To Shower Like A Man:
1 - Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2 - Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3 - Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4 - Get in the shower.
5 - Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6 - Wash your face.
7 - Wash your armpits.
8 - Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9 - Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10 - Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11 - Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12 - Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13 - Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14 - Pee (in the shower).
15 - Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16 - Partially dry off.
17 - Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18 - Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19 - Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20 - Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21 - Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
Training Courses Now Available for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
He: Haven't we met before?...
He: Haven't we met before?
She: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic.
He: Is this seat empty?
She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: I don't know. Can two people fit under a rock?
He: Your place or mine?
She: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
He: So what do you do for a living?
She: I'm a female impersonator.
He: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
She: Do Not Enter
He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.
He: Hey, we're both here for the same reason.
She: Right, let's pick up some chicks.
He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.
He: I know how to please a woman.
She: Then please leave me alone.
He: I'd go to the end of the world for you.
She: Sure, but would you stay there?
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