Application

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

A Man's View of a Relationship

 

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 

2. Nothing improves with age. 

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered again take it, because it'll never be quite the same. 

4. Sex has no calories. 

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 

8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 

9. Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it will last. 

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 

12. Virginity can be cured. 

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 

17. It is always the wrong time of the month. 

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 

20. Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night--then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. 

22. The younger the better. 

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness!!!!!!!!!

How to Shower Like a Woman

 

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. 

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 

13. Turn off shower. 

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

Things Men Want Women to Remember

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 

2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. 

3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 

4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt. 

5. Shopping is not fascinating. 

6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 

7. Unless the answer is yes. 

8. In which case, can he videotape it? 

9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking a holes. 

10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 

11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 

12. Money does not equate to love. Not even in Nevada. 

13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (e.g., microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon her infant when it.walks for the first time. 

14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 

15. He heard you the first time. 

16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out, too. Let's spread the rejection around a little. 

17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want answers to. 

18. Of COURSE he wants another beer. 

19. Dogs good. Cats bad. 

20. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. 

21. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall," you have to sit through "Showgirls." 

22. "Fine!" is not an acceptable way to end an argument. 

23. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. 

24. He was not looking at that other girl. 

25. Well, okay... maybe a little.

26. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy. 

27. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. 

28. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. 

29. Your select appropriate item: butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As.a matter of fact, it/they look d*mned good. Stop asking. 

30. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm. 

31. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your period with him. 

32. Remember: That Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower. 

33. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, looks fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organised in this manner. 

34. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Andepson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than he is. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. 

35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute. 

36. Don't hog the covers. 

37. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that. 

38. He does not just want to be friends. 

39. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours doesn't mean it's any less important.