10 Polite Ways to Say "Your Zipper is Down"
Top Ten List (David Letterman)
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson ... Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
The Top 15 Truth-in-Advertising Names of Personal Care Products
15> Nair -- Pelt-Away
14> Old Spice -- Eau de Grandpa
13> Dr. Scholl's Corn Pads -- Beats BITING Them Off
12> Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion -- Sgt. Zipper's Lonely Hearts Club "Hand" Cream
11> Trojan Condoms -- SkankSafe
10> Wart-B-Gone -- Put Down Those Goddam Toads!
9> FDS -- CrotchGuard
8> Preparation H -- SitAgin
7> Q-Tips -- Jam It In! We Dare Ya!
6> Nyquil -- Kid-Booze
5> Cover Girl Makeup - Covers Ugly Girls Makeup
4> Tampax -- Suck It Up, Missy!
3> Tom's of Maine -- Gee, Your Teeth Smell Like Pete Moss!
2> K-Y Jelly -- J-O Jelly
1> Chanel No. 5 -- Catbox No. 2
The Top 16 Signs a Spaceship Is Homemade
16> Twenty percent more duct tape than Mir.
15> It's highly unlikely NASA would name its orbital lander the "USS PACKERS! Wooo! Go Packers!"
14> You currently owe Duracell $138,845,000.
13> Two words: cheese tailfins.
12> Take-off requires beans, a butane lighter and a well-timed finger pull.
11> Thrusters can be set to high, medium, low and simmer.
10> Doilies on the control board?
Potpourri in the cargo bay?
MOM!!!
9> The on-board meal: a lovingly packed PB&J cut in the shape of a rocket, a Juicy Juice box and a Twinkie that your jerk older brother smashed flat.
8> "Rocket sound" comes from playing cards stuck in the O-rings.
7> The chief engineer was forced to remove the nose cone of the lunar landing module to grill burgers for dinner.
6> Centrifugal force is measured in "Kenny Gs."
5> It just plain tastes better than those store-bought spaceships.
4> The only 'tang on board is the pilot's mistress.
3> The "heat shield"? A dozen oven mitts glued to a trash-can lid.
2> The top-secret mission? Launch a spy satellite over Jessica Simpson's shower.
1> Transmission from Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem."
Transmission from your ship: "Honey, I have a wedgie."
The Top 16 Features of Hooters Hotel and Casino
16> Family-oriented atmosphere. (Hefner, Flynt and Guccione families only)
15> Your odds at the tables are about the same as your odds with your waitress.
14> Dancers in the hotel's Risque Revue are more modestly clad than the croupiers.
13> Instead of black or red, roulette tables let you place bets on "real" or "fake."
12> Complimentary greasy hot wing on your pillow at night.
11> "Half-Off Night" -- when the cocktail waitresses all have wardrobe malfunctions.
10> A "Cooling-Off Room" featuring Linda Tripp reading poetry.
9> Slot machines galore, but nary a cherry to be found.
8> Commonly heard at *every* gaming table: "Hit me. Ohhhhh, yes, hit me!"
7> The bouncers are simply amazing.
6> Guy at the craps table yelling, "Seven! Come on, seven! Daddy needs a new pair of undershorts!"
5> Their slogan: "We've got the loosest sluts in town!"
4> Great laughs to be had watching stunned Harry Potter fans drawn in by the giant owl out front.
3> Now in the Hooters Theater: Cirque du Soleil's "Ho!"
2> Cries of "Snake-eyes!" have less to do with dice and more to do with tank tops and air conditioning.
1> Siegfried and Roy are no longer the biggest boobs in town.
The Top 16 Surprises at a Nudist Restaurant
16>
Let's just say that getting wasabi in your eye isn't the worst thing that can
happen.
15> Sizzling hot-plate dishes served with a side of aloe.
14> Who knew all the chefs at Benihana were Jewish?
13> Turns out silicone repels drawn butter, making lobster bibs unnecessary.
12> Their claim for "Best Sticky Buns in Town" refers to their vinyl seats.
11> Paris Hilton banned from entering. Hey, they've got to maintain *some* standards.
10> The cook steadfastly refuses to budge from his "no bacon" rule.
9> You'd be amazed how many straws and extra napkins a waitress can tuck into a fat roll.
8> The waiters all wear thong hairnets.
7> Surprisingly, it's easier to choke down snails when you've got boobs to look at.
6> "Waiter, there's soup in my hair!" frequently heard throughout the evening.
5> When you take out your credit card to pay, the cashier bends over and asks you to swipe it.
4> The napkin goes *under* your lap.
3> Waiters no longer have to take the soup back to the kitchen in order to get their revenge.
2> Thanks to its extended "sneeze" guard, the salad bar looks like the popemobile.
1> "I beg your pardon, sir -- I thought you were signaling for the check."
15> Sizzling hot-plate dishes served with a side of aloe.
14> Who knew all the chefs at Benihana were Jewish?
13> Turns out silicone repels drawn butter, making lobster bibs unnecessary.
12> Their claim for "Best Sticky Buns in Town" refers to their vinyl seats.
11> Paris Hilton banned from entering. Hey, they've got to maintain *some* standards.
10> The cook steadfastly refuses to budge from his "no bacon" rule.
9> You'd be amazed how many straws and extra napkins a waitress can tuck into a fat roll.
8> The waiters all wear thong hairnets.
7> Surprisingly, it's easier to choke down snails when you've got boobs to look at.
6> "Waiter, there's soup in my hair!" frequently heard throughout the evening.
5> When you take out your credit card to pay, the cashier bends over and asks you to swipe it.
4> The napkin goes *under* your lap.
3> Waiters no longer have to take the soup back to the kitchen in order to get their revenge.
2> Thanks to its extended "sneeze" guard, the salad bar looks like the popemobile.
1> "I beg your pardon, sir -- I thought you were signaling for the check."
The Top 17 Indications Your Family May Be Dysfunctional
17> New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
16> Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
15> Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer.
14> In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
13> Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
12> Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
11> Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menendez Family Christmas."
10> Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
9> Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.
8> Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
7> You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
6> Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
5> You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.
4> Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
3> Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
2> Didn't make today's Top 5 List? Dad holds ya, Mom beats ya.
1> No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a meth lab.
The Top 19 Signs You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor
19>
Only does patterns by Laura Ashley.
18> While working on your back, he keeps mumbling, "Damn, you breathed again."
17> Sundays feature their "Number of the Beast" special.
16> Needles sterilized with a quick dip in a shot of Cuervo.
15> Recently had their grant revoked by the National Endowment for the Arts.
14> Doesn't offer option between "young Elvis" and "Vegas Elvis."
13> A thousand head of cattle in the waiting room.
12> Artist keeps knocking back slugs from the bottle of rubbing alcohol "just to steady the ol' nerves."
11> Work samples on the walls are actual pieces of skin.
10> "Whaddaya mean you DON'T want a swastika?!!?"
9> You ask for roses intertwined around a logic diagram of a basic 4-bit integer divide circuit, and they just have NO IDEA.
8> Your appointment is always being rescheduled to accommodate some die-hard KISS fan.
7> Mickey Rourke carried out on a stretcher as you arrive.
6> There is an indescribable, existential malaise in the air.
5> Tipper Gore in next chair getting her hair done.
4> The only bikes parked outside are Schwinns and Huffys.
3> You're served petit fours and cappuccino while waiting.
2> Nothing sterile in sight, unless you count the employees with their court-ordered vasectomies.
1> Your "Jesus on the Cross" constantly mistaken for "Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf."
18> While working on your back, he keeps mumbling, "Damn, you breathed again."
17> Sundays feature their "Number of the Beast" special.
16> Needles sterilized with a quick dip in a shot of Cuervo.
15> Recently had their grant revoked by the National Endowment for the Arts.
14> Doesn't offer option between "young Elvis" and "Vegas Elvis."
13> A thousand head of cattle in the waiting room.
12> Artist keeps knocking back slugs from the bottle of rubbing alcohol "just to steady the ol' nerves."
11> Work samples on the walls are actual pieces of skin.
10> "Whaddaya mean you DON'T want a swastika?!!?"
9> You ask for roses intertwined around a logic diagram of a basic 4-bit integer divide circuit, and they just have NO IDEA.
8> Your appointment is always being rescheduled to accommodate some die-hard KISS fan.
7> Mickey Rourke carried out on a stretcher as you arrive.
6> There is an indescribable, existential malaise in the air.
5> Tipper Gore in next chair getting her hair done.
4> The only bikes parked outside are Schwinns and Huffys.
3> You're served petit fours and cappuccino while waiting.
2> Nothing sterile in sight, unless you count the employees with their court-ordered vasectomies.
1> Your "Jesus on the Cross" constantly mistaken for "Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf."
The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up
16> They've begun moving into the basements of their parents' retirement homes.
15> 7-Eleven now offering early-bird specials on Jolt Cola and microwave burritos.
14> Raves now start at 5 p.m. and break up by 9 p.m. -- just in time for "The West Wing."
13> "Doom IV" now officially an Olympic event.
12> Ross and Rachel have moved to rural Vermont and are solving petty crimes with Sheriff Tom Bosley in the new series, "Old Friends."
11> "MTV's Real World: Suburban Omaha."
10> They're trading in their mosh-pit bangings for Sunday afternoon games of no-contact, non-competitive Ultimate Frisbee.
9> A panicky Larry King quickly learns to kiss Tony Hawk's ass.
8> Out: Stone Temple Pilots. In: Tso Temple Pilates.
7> The playlist this morning on your dentist's Muzak system: Fugazi, Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Green Day.
6> Out: Goth 24/7. In: Roth 401(k).
5> Getting sex more than twice a week now qualifies as an "Xtreme" event.
4> New Mountain Dew Code Blue
3> Then: acid-washed denim. Now: acid-washed duodenum.
2> All those gray goatees are giving you a permanent KFC jones.
1> They're ready to FIGHT for their RIGHT to PUDDING.
The Top 16 Signs Something's Gone Wrong in Your Vegas Show
16>
The only people involved with the show who are wearing enormous, feathered
headdresses are the lighting guys.
15> Audience members are clamoring for you to sing something from "back when you didn't suck."
14> Crowd cheers wildly at the sudden appearance of Blue Man Group. The problem is that you're with Cirques du Soleil and those are actually the Amazing Plastic-Bag-on-the-Head-for-Too-Long Brothers.
13> Distracted by some cherries jubilee, Ann-Margaret bites a waiter in the jugular during her "Kitten With a Whip" routine.
12> The mob, not caring for "Johnny Wallenda's Italian Humor Revue," relocated your show to the hotel roof and renamed it "The Flying Wellenda -- One Night Only!"
11> No matter how many times you count, there is still an *odd* number of breasts on stage.
10> After removing the blindfold, you notice that the front-row patrons aren't covered with bits of watermelon, but with turtle guts.
9> As if it weren't bad enough that your big-budget, three-act extravaganza was written and directed by the Wachowski brothers, Keanu is your lead dancer.
8> Danny Gans is ill and his stand-in, Danny Glans, is doing his impression of a snail in a German army helmet.
7> Your "Lena the Stripper Magician" act leaves you precious few places to secrete the disappearing doves.
6> You just don't understand why sales for your "Bob Hope/Art Carney/John Ritter New Year's Eve Comedy Spectacular" aren't booming.
5> A slight scheduling mixup results in Lennox Lewis' 10-second knockout of Meat Loaf.
4> A berserk Penn Jillette is dragging you across the stage by your throat and you can't scream without breaking character.
3> You ate an apple too close to show time, and people did *not* pay to see Celine Dion look like a snake that just ate a pig whole.
2> Thanks to your hair-lipped costume designer, the chorus girls showed up with pastries on their breasts.
1> "For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer from the audience! You... yes, you, sir... come right up here on stage. What's your name?"
"Attorney General John Ashcroft."
15> Audience members are clamoring for you to sing something from "back when you didn't suck."
14> Crowd cheers wildly at the sudden appearance of Blue Man Group. The problem is that you're with Cirques du Soleil and those are actually the Amazing Plastic-Bag-on-the-Head-for-Too-Long Brothers.
13> Distracted by some cherries jubilee, Ann-Margaret bites a waiter in the jugular during her "Kitten With a Whip" routine.
12> The mob, not caring for "Johnny Wallenda's Italian Humor Revue," relocated your show to the hotel roof and renamed it "The Flying Wellenda -- One Night Only!"
11> No matter how many times you count, there is still an *odd* number of breasts on stage.
10> After removing the blindfold, you notice that the front-row patrons aren't covered with bits of watermelon, but with turtle guts.
9> As if it weren't bad enough that your big-budget, three-act extravaganza was written and directed by the Wachowski brothers, Keanu is your lead dancer.
8> Danny Gans is ill and his stand-in, Danny Glans, is doing his impression of a snail in a German army helmet.
7> Your "Lena the Stripper Magician" act leaves you precious few places to secrete the disappearing doves.
6> You just don't understand why sales for your "Bob Hope/Art Carney/John Ritter New Year's Eve Comedy Spectacular" aren't booming.
5> A slight scheduling mixup results in Lennox Lewis' 10-second knockout of Meat Loaf.
4> A berserk Penn Jillette is dragging you across the stage by your throat and you can't scream without breaking character.
3> You ate an apple too close to show time, and people did *not* pay to see Celine Dion look like a snake that just ate a pig whole.
2> Thanks to your hair-lipped costume designer, the chorus girls showed up with pastries on their breasts.
1> "For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer from the audience! You... yes, you, sir... come right up here on stage. What's your name?"
"Attorney General John Ashcroft."
The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator
16> He shows up wearing tights and a beach-towel cape and shouts, "This is a job for Decoratorman!"
15> His stated intent to "Graceland this place up" is a little worrisome.
14> Suggests trying a scheme that's color-coordinated with your gastro-intestinal tract.
13> It turns out the only thing he has in common with Martha Stewart is a felony conviction.
12> Her default solution to any wall-covering situation? Clay Aiken posters.
11> Keeps trying to convince you of the decorative power of Quaker Rolled Oats.
10> Asks if you wouldn't mind storing some corpses for him in your basement "until the heat dies down."
9> Suggests you sell your kids "since they keep messing the place up."
8> As you enter your house for the first time, Tom Bodett and some guy with a violin are serenading you.
7> Her preferred living room fabric? Ham.
6> It's not really important to you that the carpet match both the cat AND your toupee.
5> You ask for a "country" decor; he gives you post-Nazi Poland.
4> Every single room is the same: aqua on one wall, orange on another and Dan Marino's face looking down from the ceiling.
3> "I call this look 'Abu Ghracious Living.'"
2> You're not sure exactly what's involved in a "Chuck Berry-style" bathroom, but it can't be good.
1> Thanks to Escher & Sons, you can no longer find your bathroom.
The Top 16 Other Manufactured Controversies
16> VP Dick Cheney says he
saw Kerry take 12 items through the "10 Item or Less" lane at the Georgetown Safeway.
15> According to Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa corks his forearms, too.
14> The Sesame Street cast says that Bert's all-potassium diet is turning him into a walking banana.
13> Britney claims that Christina once uttered the phrase "not tonight."
12> Whitney Houston's drug rehabilitation has been put on hold while her doctors argue about whether her entourage are enablers, co-dependents or caretakers.
11> Ralph Nader claims the electoral system discriminates against the megalomaniacally insane.
10> Democratic party leaders Bill Clinton and Gary Hart accuse President Bush of clandestine monogamy and fidelity.
9> Kerry says that although he threw away his combat decorations, as a senior in high school Bush threw his equestrian medals into the large lake behind the family estate to protest the top billing of the school's football team over the polo team.
8> Rush Limbaugh alleges that Al Franken merely *skimmed* end-user agreements in software he purchased.
7> John Stamos says that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos bogarted all the face creams and bronzers.
6> Terry McAuliffe claims that George W. Bush's insistence that there is absolute truth is an outright rejection of the entire post-modern generation.
5> Alex Trebek insinuates that Pat Sajak is disregarding the rules by not requiring contestants to buy the "Y."
4> "The L.A. *Lakers*? Is Los Angeles known for its lakes? Shouldn't a sports franchise's nickname at least have some tangential connection to its host city's unique local culture? We think so. We are the Utah Jazz, and we approved this message."
3> Producers of "The Simple Life" claim they have video proof that Paris Hilton was *not* a virgin when they hired her for the show.
2> Elton John starts a nasty rumor that fellow adult-contemporary artist Sting once played in a rock and roll band.
1> Mary-Kate Olsen accuses sister Ashley of being a no-talent bimbo trading on her looks.
15> According to Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa corks his forearms, too.
14> The Sesame Street cast says that Bert's all-potassium diet is turning him into a walking banana.
13> Britney claims that Christina once uttered the phrase "not tonight."
12> Whitney Houston's drug rehabilitation has been put on hold while her doctors argue about whether her entourage are enablers, co-dependents or caretakers.
11> Ralph Nader claims the electoral system discriminates against the megalomaniacally insane.
10> Democratic party leaders Bill Clinton and Gary Hart accuse President Bush of clandestine monogamy and fidelity.
9> Kerry says that although he threw away his combat decorations, as a senior in high school Bush threw his equestrian medals into the large lake behind the family estate to protest the top billing of the school's football team over the polo team.
8> Rush Limbaugh alleges that Al Franken merely *skimmed* end-user agreements in software he purchased.
7> John Stamos says that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos bogarted all the face creams and bronzers.
6> Terry McAuliffe claims that George W. Bush's insistence that there is absolute truth is an outright rejection of the entire post-modern generation.
5> Alex Trebek insinuates that Pat Sajak is disregarding the rules by not requiring contestants to buy the "Y."
4> "The L.A. *Lakers*? Is Los Angeles known for its lakes? Shouldn't a sports franchise's nickname at least have some tangential connection to its host city's unique local culture? We think so. We are the Utah Jazz, and we approved this message."
3> Producers of "The Simple Life" claim they have video proof that Paris Hilton was *not* a virgin when they hired her for the show.
2> Elton John starts a nasty rumor that fellow adult-contemporary artist Sting once played in a rock and roll band.
1> Mary-Kate Olsen accuses sister Ashley of being a no-talent bimbo trading on her looks.
