CRAZY WORLD

Caught by a local tribe

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

How to speak Southern

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

Aig - What a hen lays

Aints - He's got aints in his paints

Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin

Bag - He bagged her to marry him

Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub burned out

Cheer - What you set in

Crick - A small stream

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

Core - He got hisself a new Ford core

Cyow - Animal on Farm

Deppity - He helps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Dainz - Satidy night social

Ellum - A graceful tree

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Faince - Whats round the hawg lot

Far - What get the brandin arn hot

Furred - He got furred from his job

Flar - A rose is a purdy flar

Frash - Them aigs ain't frash

Furiners - All non-'bamans

Further - Hits ten miles further to town

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n

Hilbilly - People in the next county

Hollar - Whats between the hills

Hard - Got a brend new hard

hand Tar - His core blew a tar

Laymun - A sour fruit

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin

Mailk - what you get from cyows

Mere - What you see your self in

Minners - Live bait

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Nup - No

Orrel - Them hinges need orrel

Ormy - What the sojers go in

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Petition - What separate the rooms

Poke - A paper bag or sack

Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke

Salit - A green vegetable

Puppet - What the preacher is in

Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher

Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

Rang - You wear it on your fanger

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town

Rainch - A big cow farm

Rat - Do it rat now!

Rench - Rench the soap yourself

Roont - She plum roont her shoes

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Soardeens - Small canned fish

Shar - A light rain

Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain

Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody

Pop - A soft drink

Sprang - Water out'n the ground

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it

Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat

War - A bobbed war fance

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Warter - What you worsh your face in

Yurp - A continent overseas

Competition of a nation

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"

Defining the Americans

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

Welcoming to America

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

Admit that you did that

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

Only found in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

Native American trades

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know of collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know of deposit."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

Women's Advice to Men

-The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear. 

-The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim. 

-If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts. 

-If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday. 

-Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

-Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day. 

-Please don't drive when you're not driving. 

-Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. 

-Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take. 

-If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed. 

-The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts. 

-If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"? 

-Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care. 

-When you're not around, I belch loudly, too. 

-Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming. 

-Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist. 

-Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed. 

-Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level. 

-Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

Demerit System used by Women

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In
the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points
are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...

Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point
system.

Simple Duties

You make the bed..................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her father..............................................-10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.......-2
Named Tiffany...................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............-6
Tiffany has implants............-8

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely........................-20
You forget your anniversary...............................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal .........................................-5
And the pal is happily married ............................-4
Or frighteningly single ...................................-7
And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15
You have a few beers.......................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20
You get home at 3 am......................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40

Her Night Out

You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work.................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real
late..........+10
You wait up......................................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A Night Out

You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30
And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5
Something she can't use.........................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40

Driving

You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal.........-25
You know them..................................................-60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................................-35

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression..............0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

It's a guy thing!

 

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Translated: "I have no idea how it works." 

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." 

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?" 

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." 

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." 

"I CAN'T FIND IT"
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?" 

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." 

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Men's Guide to Women's Language

So all you men know how to understand what women are saying! 

********* Men's guide to a Woman's language ********** 

She says English --------- -------- 

You want You want 

We need I want 

It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now 

Do what you want You'll pay for this later 

We need to talk I need to complain 

Sure...go ahead I don't want you to. 

I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron 

You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot. 

You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about? 

I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period overreacting! 

Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs. 

This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper... 

Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there! 

I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep. 

Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive. 

How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like.. 

I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. 

Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful. 

You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me. 

Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.] 

Yes No
No No
Maybe No 

I'm sorry. You'll be sorry. 

Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it. 

I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. 

******** In answer to the question "What's wrong?" ********** 

The same old thing. Nothing. 

Nothing. Everything. 

Everything. My PMS is acting up. 

Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an jerk. 

I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.

The Man\'s Point System!

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the
toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is
barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you
shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You
stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6
Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to
dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's
all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your
favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget
your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus
station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring
rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is
happily married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a
Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss
curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3
am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars
...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying
friend from work...+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,
and she comes home real late...+10 You wait up...+15 She goes out,
comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie...+2 You take her to a movie she
likes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to a
movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop
3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it
was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her
flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20 You give her
wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 And she contracts
Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a
noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10 You develop
a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one
too"....-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
Something she can't use...+10 Such as a motorized model
airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive...+20 You let her mother
tell you how to drive...+40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up
getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10 You end up
getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part
of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know
them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive
questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in
responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants
to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5 You listen for more
than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is
because you've fallen asleep...-20

Rules By Men

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. 

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. 

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. 

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? 

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. 

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. 

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. 

Rule # 10
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

THE THINKER

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.

"You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?"

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous (TA)poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."

Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Men advising women

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave.