Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

New Republican Definitions

alternative energy sources
n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy
n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations

Cheney, Dick
n. The greater of two evils.

class warfare
n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change
n. The day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism
n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

DeLay, Tom
n. 1. Past tense of De Lie 2. Patronage saint.

democracy
n. So extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.

Fox News
fict. Faux news.

free markets
n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

God
n. Senior presidential adviser.

growth
n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

gun control

n. The index finger, usually on the right hand. No other definitions or usage.

habeas corpus
n. Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).

healthy forest
n. No tree left behind.

honesty
n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."

House of Representatives
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million.

laziness
n. When the poor are not working.

leisure time
n. When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s)
n. Followers of the Anti-christ.

neoconservatives
n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.

9/11
n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy. (see Terra, Terra, Terra)

No Child Left Behind
riff. 1. v. There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society
n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

Patriot Act
n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

pro-life
adj. Valuing human life until birth.

Senate
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million.

simplifiy
v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course
interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.
voter fraud
n. A significant minority turnout.

Wal-Mart
n. The nation-state, future tense.

water
n. Arsenic storage device.

You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can 
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

You Might Be A Democrat If...

• You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.
• You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
• You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
• You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
• You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
• You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
• You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
• You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
• You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
• You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
• You've never been mugged.
• You actually expect to collect Social Security.
• You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
• You think the Great Society has actually worked.
• You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.
• You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
• You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
• Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
• You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
• Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
• You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
• You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
• You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
• You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
• You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
• You know at least one Vegan.
• You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
• You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
• You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.
• You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
• You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
• You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
• You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
• You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
• You admire the Swedish welfare system.
• You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
• You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
• You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
• After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

Democrat Jokes and One-Liners

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

Doctor's Notes

Actual doctor's comments on patients' charts.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

You Know You're a Cop When...

Some of the ways you can tell.

You Know You're a Cop When:

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.

Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun" call.

You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year.

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

You refer to your favourite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located.

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide: Getting It Right the First Time".

You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.

Anyone has ever said to you, "There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me."

People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places, and you know where it's located.

You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.

You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.

You walk into places and people think it's funny to grab their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill."

You do not see daylight from November until May.

People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.

A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks, and 5 pairs of underwear.

You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday."

You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight."

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten.

You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are too tight."

Questions for the Librarian

Supposedly these are actual questions from people.

"I'm looking for a book."

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids." (the actual title is "Slow Waltz In Cedar Bend.")

"Where is the reference desk?" (asked of a worker sitting at a desk, over which was a sign saying 'REFERENCE DESK')

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington." (other individuals asked for by other patrons: Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, and more)

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?"

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

"I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author and title. It's big and red, and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?

"Do you have anything good to read?"

Men's Guide to Women's Language

So all you men know how to understand what women are saying! 

********* Men's guide to a Woman's language ********** 

She says English --------- -------- 

You want You want 

We need I want 

It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now 

Do what you want You'll pay for this later 

We need to talk I need to complain 

Sure...go ahead I don't want you to. 

I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron 

You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot. 

You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about? 

I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period overreacting! 

Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs. 

This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper... 

Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there! 

I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep. 

Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive. 

How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like.. 

I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. 

Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful. 

You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me. 

Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.] 

Yes No
No No
Maybe No 

I'm sorry. You'll be sorry. 

Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it. 

I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. 

******** In answer to the question "What's wrong?" ********** 

The same old thing. Nothing. 

Nothing. Everything. 

Everything. My PMS is acting up. 

Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an jerk. 

I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.

The Man\'s Point System!

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the
toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is
barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you
shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You
stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6
Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to
dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's
all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your
favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget
your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus
station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring
rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is
happily married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a
Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss
curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3
am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars
...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying
friend from work...+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,
and she comes home real late...+10 You wait up...+15 She goes out,
comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie...+2 You take her to a movie she
likes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to a
movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop
3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it
was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her
flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20 You give her
wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 And she contracts
Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a
noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10 You develop
a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one
too"....-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
Something she can't use...+10 Such as a motorized model
airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive...+20 You let her mother
tell you how to drive...+40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up
getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10 You end up
getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part
of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know
them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive
questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in
responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants
to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5 You listen for more
than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is
because you've fallen asleep...-20

Rules By Men

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. 

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. 

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. 

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? 

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. 

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. 

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. 

Rule # 10
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement of ten misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Men writing the rules

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.