Identifying wasted time

TO: ALL PERSONNEL

FROM: ACCOUNTING 

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in
timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code

5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your
unproductive time. 

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based
on our observations of employee activities. 

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you
are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list
immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. 

Thank you,

Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation

5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not
Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen

Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

The Bosses' Itinerary

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. 

Agenda follows: 

Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. 

You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes. 

Day 2: The "Great White Encounter". 

You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of theGreat White shark. 

Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears". 

You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a specialweapons exhibition. 

Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. 

You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays". 

This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of StubbyHand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip!Your loyal employees.

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 

10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again. 

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 

12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 

13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 

14. No, my powers can only be used for good. 

15. How about never? Is never good for you? 

16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 

17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 

18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 

19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 

20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 

21. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 

22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 

23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 

24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 

25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 

26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 

27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

The Top 14 Tips Donald Trump Has for His New Apprentice

14. "Trust me. Even if you look like a bloated troll, chicks dig billionaires."

13. "Don't be fooled by his naked antics -- Richard Hatch over in Marketing is up to no good."

12. "Keep your hands off Carolyn, but George, well, that's another story."

11. "Secret code phrase to utter if you ever notice my fly down during a board meeting: 'Sir, are you ready for your PowerPoint presentation?'"

10. "Lowe's has better prices on shellac than Home Depot."

9. "Wait until the bankers leave the room before starting your victory macarena."

8. "You're fired! Ha, ha, ha. No, really. You're fired, too!"

7. "Don't bother giving other drivers the finger when you get cut off. Have your chauffeur do it."

6. "You're never too young for a comb-over."

5. "Never, EVER schedule me for an interview with Barbara Walters. I am not now, nor do I ever intend to be, 'Mista Twump.'"

4. "Never blur the line between servility and civility."

3. "Plant your corn early. Yeah, I never understood that one either when I was growing up."

2. "After a long, *successful* day with the boss, only the *medicated* Chapstick will do."

1. "If you think the selection process compromised your integrity, wait until you're actually WORKING for me."

Top 47 Reasons for women NOT To Have Sex

1. The pitter patter of little feet

2. Never let 'em see you sweat

3. Your parents might realise that you're not 12 years old anymore

4. Naked men

5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT

6. You might like it

7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas

8. Paying back oral sex debts

9. Only pagans procreate

10. Castration

11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love

12. Body hair

13. Too many lights on in the room

14. Your roommate and neighbours can't sleep with all that screaming

15. Axl Rose

16. Since that nasty little Gulf War, there's no money left for research and treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases

17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album

18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law

19. Utah Abortion Law

20. Alabama Abortion Law

21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit

22. Yeast infections

23. Too sticky

24. Messes up your hair

25. Charley-horses

26. Bladder infections

27. Cher

28. "It's only a cold sore"

29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a public place, it's not private)

30. Hetero men who ask, "Did you come yet?"

31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot

32. Taking off the jimmy-hat

33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by axe murderers in hockey masks

34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation

35. Smegma

36. You still live with your parents

37. You love her but you're not *in love* with her

38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body

39. Drooling

40. Letters to the Editor

41. Calling out the wrong name

42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you're a Kennedy)

43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00

44. No one to have sex with

45. Carpet burn

46. Any offspring resultant from sex may end up looking like you!

47. Worse than No.46.. they could end up looking like him!

Pickup Lines

THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!)

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

2. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

3. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

4. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

5. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

6. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

7. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

8. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."

9. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?

10. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

11. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

12. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

13. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

14. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

15. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

16. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

17. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

18. So... How am I doin'?

19. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

20. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

Women - Ways To Drive Men Crazy!

50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy...

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.

2. Be ambiguous. Always.

3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.

4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.

5. Make them apologize for everything.

6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.

8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.

9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.

10. Cry.

11. Get mad at them for everything.

12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

13. Hold grudges.

14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.

15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.

16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."

17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.

19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.

20. Cry.

21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

23. Fall for your FAC.

24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

25. Correct their grammar.

26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.

27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

28. Leave out the good parts in stories.

29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.

30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

31. Cry.

32. Declare that you are not wacko.

33. Criticize the way they dress.

34. Criticize the music they listen to.

35. Criticize their hair.

36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

37. Try to change them.

38. Try to mold them.

39. Try to get them to dance.

40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.

41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.

42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.

43. Blame everything on PMS.

44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.

45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.

47. Read into everything.

48. Over-analyze everything.

49. Cry.

50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry.

Women's Advice to Men

-The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear. 

-The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim. 

-If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts. 

-If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday. 

-Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

-Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day. 

-Please don't drive when you're not driving. 

-Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. 

-Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take. 

-If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed. 

-The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts. 

-If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"? 

-Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care. 

-When you're not around, I belch loudly, too. 

-Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming. 

-Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist. 

-Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed. 

-Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level. 

-Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

Demerit System used by Women

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In
the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points
are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...

Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point
system.

Simple Duties

You make the bed..................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her father..............................................-10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.......-2
Named Tiffany...................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............-6
Tiffany has implants............-8

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely........................-20
You forget your anniversary...............................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal .........................................-5
And the pal is happily married ............................-4
Or frighteningly single ...................................-7
And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15
You have a few beers.......................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20
You get home at 3 am......................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40

Her Night Out

You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work.................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real
late..........+10
You wait up......................................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A Night Out

You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30
And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5
Something she can't use.........................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40

Driving

You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal.........-25
You know them..................................................-60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................................-35

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression..............0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

It's a guy thing!

 

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Translated: "I have no idea how it works." 

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." 

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?" 

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." 

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." 

"I CAN'T FIND IT"
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?" 

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." 

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Historical Truths (part 2)

• When tea was first introduced into England, people threw away the liquid and ate the leaves, seasoned with salt and pepper.
• The Duke of Wellington had one of the hooves of his horse Copenhagen that he had ridden at Waterloo sawn off and made into an inkwell.
• In 1618, King James I, King of England, decreed that people could do certain sports after church worship on a Sunday.[Puritans later burned James's declaration.]
• Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain. - Pierre Trudeau [former Prime Minister of Canada]
• In September 2001, the Democratic Republic of the Congo discovered that it had 21,652 civil servants on its payroll who did not exist.

·        In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.  Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint. 
Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' 

·        As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

·        In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

·        Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions.. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt.
Hence the expression 'losing face.'

·        Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

·        At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts'.
Hence the term 'minding your 'P's and Q's '

·        In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon... There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.

·        However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

·        Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'  All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you!