Message From The Bar Staff

Please remember to order one drink at a time as we like to run backwards and forwards, it keeps us fit.

When ordering a round please make sure that you don't know what you want when you arrive at the bar. We like to stand and wait while you nip back & forth or shout across the room to find out, (although we do find that other customers who have been waiting for 1/2 an hour tend to start moaning, but hey, that's not your problem!)

Once you have received two drinks please take them back to your table and stay for a quick chat before coming back to pay. We'll still be waiting, we're not going anywhere and we appreciate the rest.

Always order stout last. We really want you to stand at the bar with all your other drinks while it settles, and are particularly pleased when we forget about it and have to be reminded to top it up.

Never put money in our hands. We like to pick it up off the bar, especially if it's all in change in a puddle of beer.

Never say please or thank you - the shock could bring on a heart attack.

Always wait until we have rung your round into the till before asking for crisps, nuts, snacks etc.

When requiring Ready Salted crisps please ensure that you ask for the full range of flavors available before asking for 'plain' - it helps us learn the stock.

If you have been waiting at the bar for at least two minutes please heckle us and tell us you have been there for 1/2 an hour - it keeps us on our toes as we have no concept of time.

Can we remind you that the bell is there just to make sure you are awake - we don't want you to come to the bar for last orders until two minutes past eleven when we have turned the lights off.

If not 'of the faith' when spotting the water jug on the bar please shout ' what's that, holy water?' - although we have heard it a million times before we never cease to find it hilarious.

When buying a pint for Tom, Colin etc. please don't ask them what they want - just tell us their name and point out where they're standing because we like to guess and get such a thrill when we get it right.

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

And as an added extra;
"I must be going home now as I have work in the morning."

Warning

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

Philosophy Of Beer

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions - - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first - - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled.

"I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!

Classic Bar One Liners

Jesus Christ walks into a bar. He hands the bartender three nails, and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

A seal walked into a club.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road."

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar. The Bartender looks up an says ... "What, Is this some kind of a joke?"

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer.................................................................................................................................................... and some of those peanuts."

The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Get out! We don't want your type in here"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The Russian asks the bartender for vodka, so he gives him an entire bottle. The Russian pours out a shot, drinks it, and throws the rest of the bottle into the air and shoots it. The bartender asks, "What did you do that for?" and the Russian replies, "In my country, we have too much vodka."

The bartender shakes his head and turns to the Frenchman, who orders wine. The Frenchman pours a glass, drinks it, then throws the rest of the bottle in the air and shoots it to smithereens. "In my country," he says, "we have too much wine."

The bartender shakes his head again, and turns hesitantly to the Canadian to ask him what he would like.

Cop-speak Translated

While on routine patrol...
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control
It was raining.

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
It was too hot to ride in the car.

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
He puked on my uniform one night...

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

While being arrested, this subject resisted and was injured in the act...
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses...

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
I wrote one citation for each swear-word he used...

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post".

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.

Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
It was my bowling night...

The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech , was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.

Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"

The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.

The Canadian orders a beer, drinks the whole bottle in one go, then pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman. "In my country," he says, "we have too many Frenchmen."

You Might Be A Cop If...

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.

Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change.

You call for a CCH on anyone that is friendly toward you.

You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal.

You can identify a negative "tattoo to tooth" ratio just by looking at a person.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.

You believe that a "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for an arrest.

You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here".

You refer to your nightstick as your "Dork Slayer".

You believe that chocolate is a food group.

You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick.

You have wanted to hold a seminar on "Suicide, getting it right the first time.,

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid jury verdict.

You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably.

You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar.

You believe the dispatcher is possessed.

You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form.

You're not referring to food when you mention vegetables.

You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium salt lick.

You have heard: "I have no idea how that got there," on more than a few occasions.

You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone.

You correlate "two beers" with 0.15  BAC.

You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car.

You believe that it is a "good" death only if it involves overtime.

FEW EXAMPLES TO HELP YOU 

 HOW TO WRITE LETTERS

ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SON

Dearest Redneck Son,

        I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. 

We don't live where we did when you left home.  Your dad read in

the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from

your home, so we moved.

        I won't be able to send you the address because the last

Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they

moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

        This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.

I'm not sure it works so well though.  Last week I put a load of

clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.

        The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last

week; the first time for three days and the second time for four

days.

        About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle

Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the

buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

        John locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were

really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your

father out.

        Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found

out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.

The baby looks just like your brother.

        Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week.  Some men tried

to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed.

We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

        Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup

truck.  Ralph was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam 

to safety.  Your other two friends were in back.  They drowned

because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

        There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much

out of the normal has happened.

                                        Love,   Mom

*************************************************************

Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and

after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department

store and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair

of panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.

(The sweetheart got the panties.)  Without checking the contents, Jim

sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing

any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger

sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears

the short ones that are easy to remove.  These are a delicate shade, but

the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three

weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had the sales girl try them on and

she really looked smart.  I wish I could put them on you the first time.

No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have

the chance to see you again.  When you take them off blow in them before

putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.  I hope

you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

               

                                           All My Love,

                                           Jimmy

P.S.  Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.

      Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the

      latest style - folded down with the fur showing.

***************************************************************

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering

I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice

holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along

my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my

grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They

look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the

freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried

Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a

good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over

again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would

have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of

my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating

off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used

to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the

frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about

sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive

family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling

grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the

black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

************************************************************

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.

Won't you fogive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.

I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda.

PS Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

**************************************************************

A Letter from Account Receivables

DATE

COMPANY

ADDRESS

CITY, STATE, ZIP

Attention:  _____________________

Dear    ____________________,

Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations!  We are

still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month

ago.  I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was

due over a year ago.  Get real.  If they haven't paid you yet they are

probably not going to.  That is not our problem.

Girl, you are going to go to jail if you don't pay for this check.  We are

not willing to wait any longer for our money.  If I had my way, we wouldn't

sell you any product at all.  You are not a good risk.  We put you on open

account and you drug your feet in paying us, so we put you on COD only and

now are sitting on a check you wrote when you knew damn good and well that

it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.  And I love how you got your

husband involved.  When I made the first phone call, he acted incredulous

that the check wasn't any good.  He had me going!

The prosecutor of our county will be contacting you.  She is really good at

collecting.  Kelly's her name and collecting is her game!

One other point, we will only accept a credit card payment for any

purchases you make with us from now on.  We will let the credit card

company charge you 20+% for as long as it takes for you to pay them.

Again, not our problem.

Yours truly,

Accounts Receivables

*********************************************************

THANK YOU

Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!

It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out

from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting the

arse out of 40-gallon drum.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected

with a disease.

I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using

deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have

to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might

drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask

me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with

calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are

nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that

are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell their

wares.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I would

get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody

- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a

nap in a bathtub full of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present because you said not

to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of

the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I

participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and

neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am

positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to

follow and I got a curse.

*****************************************************************

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes

For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,

non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemisphere

summer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the

religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,

with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of

others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions

at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically

uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,

but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures

whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, and

without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability,

religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform and

operating system of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

1.   The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

2.   It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.

3.   It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the

     wishes for her/himself or others.

4.   It is void where prohibited by law, and

5.   It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual application

of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a

subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is

limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the

sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer:

The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season.

Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this

particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse the

use of the color blue.

*******************************************************************

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

Gloria

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

*******************************************************************

Guys,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your

advice. 

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. 

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. 

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I

ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't

know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but  I

usually fall asleep. 

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with  my wife. 

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she

went out again and I decided to finally check on her. 

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I  could get a

good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with

'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which  was

open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I  noticed a

hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop

where I bought it?

****************************************************************

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She also

enjoys writing to relatives.   

Dear Family, 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk

if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that

day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by

a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my

bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought

about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had

changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't

honked,  I'd never have noticed.   I found that lots of people love Jesus!

 While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and

then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!  Go!

Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for

Jesus!    Everyone started honking!   

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those

loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him

yelling something about a sunny beach. 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck

up in the air.   I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what

that meant.    He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or

something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the

window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out

laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they

got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to

pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light

had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and

drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before

the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after

all the love we had shared.   So I slowed the car down, leaned out the

window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I

drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,

Granny Mabel

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET On Woman

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
 Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System 

 Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115
lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large
quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common
ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS:
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal

Male Bashing

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. 

Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say. 

Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex. 

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off. 

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men. 

Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer. 

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes. 

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them. 

Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth. 

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them. 

Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins. 

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow. 

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married. 

Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company. 

Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any. 

Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. 

Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you. 

Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds. 

Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first. 

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains. 

Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life! 

Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man. 

Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it. 

Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
A: He moved there. 

Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse. 

Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes 

Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them 

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head 

Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer 

Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows - we've never seen it done! 

Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions. 

Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing 

Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by 

Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging 

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?/? 

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
2. No business. 

Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows. 

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends. 

Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed. 

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river. 

Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room. 

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard. 

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". 

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker! 

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them. 

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation. 

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut. 

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay! 

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer. 

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. 

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time? 

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions! 

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in! 

Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them! 

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention. 

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock. 

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.

College Courses for Women

1...Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before.

2...The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits.

3...Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday.

4...Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.

5...Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.

6...An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.

7...Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.

8...Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.

9...Valuation - Just because it's not important to you.

10..Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first.

11..Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking.

12..What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.

13..Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire.

14..Real women drink their share at a party.

15..Telephones - How to hang up.

16..Parking - Beginners Course.

17..Parking (Advanced) - Reversing into a parking space.

18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor.

19..Managing your weight - It's not water retention, it's fat.

20..Learning to cook I - Bran in not food.

21..Learning to cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs.

22..Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.

23..PMS - Your problem, not his.