RELATIONS TODAY

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to date my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Degree Courses for Women

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.

Women's 45 Rules for Men

1. Call
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart," are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch," are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid coocking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering "Who was on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think.
27. Ditto for you discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don't let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

Male Bashing

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.

Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.

Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.

Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.

Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.

Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man.

Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.

Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
A: He moved there.

Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.

Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes

Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer

Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!

Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.

Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing

Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by

Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?/?

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
2. No business.

Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.

Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.

Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker!

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time?

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.

Evolution of Mom

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Parents evolution

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

The First Step

First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.

The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut

First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.

Term dictionary

Parent's Dictionary of Meanings

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

Short gender jokes

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!

Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel!

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted!

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!

Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!

Question and answer

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.

Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

A woman's dictionary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Hick computer terms

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don't add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.

Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.

Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: That's what the flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C'mon in.

Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Make life simpler tips

 

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1.     Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

2.     Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

3.     Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

4.     Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

5.     No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

6.     Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

7.     If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

8.     Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Adults learn from kids

Things Adults Learn From Kids:

1.     There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

2.     If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.     A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.     4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

5.     It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

6.     Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7.     You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

8.     When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

9.     A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

10.                       The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11.                       When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.

12.                       Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

13.                       A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

14.                       A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

15.                       If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

16.                       A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

17.                       Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

18.                       Duplos will not.

19.                       Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

20.                       Super glue is forever.

21.                       McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

22.                       Ditto Tarzan.

23.                       No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

24.                       Pool filters do not like Jello.

25.                       VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

26.                       Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

27.                       Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

28.                       You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

29.                       Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

30.                       Plastic toys do not like ovens.

31.                       The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

32.                       The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

33.                       It will however make cats dizzy.

34.                       Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

35.                       Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

36.                       A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

 

Tell him that he's stupid

 

Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

1.     A few crumbs short of a crouton.

2.     A few clowns short of a circus.

3.     A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

4.     An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

5.     A few beers short of a six-pack.

6.     A few peas short of a casserole.

7.     The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

8.     One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

9.     One taco short of a combination plate.

10.                       A few feathers short of a whole duck

11.                       All foam, no beer.

12.                       Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

13.                       Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel.

14.                       He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

15.                       An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

16.                       As smart as bait.

17.                       Chimney's clogged.

18.                       Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

19.                       Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.

20.                       Forgot to pay her brain bill.

21.                       Her sewing machine's out of thread.

22.                       If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

23.                       Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

24.                       Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

25.                       Has the intelligence of a Carrot.

Must be out of shape

 

The Top Signs You're Out of Shape

1.     You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.

2.     People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"

3.     You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.

4.     Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.

5.     Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.

6.     You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.

7.     You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.

8.     Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.

9.     The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"

All of life's annoyances

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

1.     ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

2.     ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

3.     ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

4.     ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

5.     ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

6.     ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

7.     ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.

8.     ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.

9.     ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

10.                       ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

11.                       ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

12.                       ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

13.                       ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

14.                       ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

15.                       ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

16.                       ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

You're no longer cool

 

You Are No Longer "Cool" When

1.     You find yourself listening to talk radio.

2.     You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

3.     The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

4.     You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

5.     You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

6.     You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

7.     You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

8.     You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

9.     When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

10.                       When jogging is something you do to your memory.

11.                       Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

12.                       All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

13.                       You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

14.                       You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

15.                       You actually ASK for your father's advice.

16.                       You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

17.                       When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Ten worst gifts to buy a woman

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.