FOR EVERYBODY SOMETHING ....

A Few Philisophical Statements...

Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

When I'm feeling down I like to whistle... it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A Girl Named Happy Butt

It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt."

The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?" And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass - Happy Butt... what's the difference?"

Actual Instruction Labels...

• ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
  Warning keep out of children.
• ON A HAIR DRYER:
  Do not use while sleeping.
• ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
  You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
• ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
  Directions: Use like regular soap.
• ON A FROZEN DINNER:
  Serving suggestion: Defrost.
• ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
  Fits one head.
• ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
  Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
• ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
  Product will be hot after heating.
• ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
  Do not iron clothes on body.
• ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
  Do not drive car or operate machinery.
• ON NY TOL (A SLEEP AID):
  Warning: may cause drowsiness.
• ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
  For indoor or outdoor use only.
• ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
  Not to be used for the other use.
• ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
  Warning: contains nuts.
• ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
  Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
• ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
  Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Airline A-Hole

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth, and swore, "Screw you."
Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

An Old Fart

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

And God Created A Sleeping Man

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep.
"Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The preacher said, "That's correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" And the preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!"

Atlanta School Board

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as alanguage to be taught in all Southern schools.  Here are excerpts from theHickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun.  Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida.  Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. 
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
FAT -- noun, verb.  1. a battle or combat.  2. to engage in battle or combat.
ARE -- pronoun.  Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction. 
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert." 
SEED -- verb, past tense.
VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?" 
HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" 
GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

Bad Car Day

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

Why Men Usually Die First

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy - ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.

If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a  chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated  woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's  domination.

If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form, and frilly underwear......you're a  pervert.

If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.

If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you've did something or want  something.

If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.

If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.

If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

If you don't................there must be someone else.

So you ask, 'Why do men die first?'

Men try so hard for so long to be the perfect mate that they finally just give up.

Showering For Men And Women

How to shower if you're a woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 min. until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to shower if you're a man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

Words Women Use

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it 's an even trade.

Nothing: This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows!): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when he cools off.

Go Ahead!: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing.

Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That 's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

Thanks a Lot: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot " when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Why Beer Is Better Than Women

You can enjoy a beer all month long.

Beer stains wash out.

You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.

If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.

Beer is never late.

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

A hangover will go away.

Beer labels come off without a fight.

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

A beer never has a headache.

A beer will never nag you.

A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

You can share a beer with friends.

You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.

A beer is always wet.

A beer doesn't demand equality.

You can have a beer in public.

A beer doesn't care what time you come home.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.

If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

Shockingly Sexist Jokes

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.

Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.
I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension xxxx between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr.. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr.. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr.. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.

I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs.. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

  MORE WISDOM

 

With my grandmother was seriously ill in the hospital, I asked her if she'd given any thought about euthanasia. She said she didn't really care about Chinese teenagers right now.

Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate:
1.

I say tomato you say tomato. Doesn't quite have the same effect online.

I had my house inspected by an expert interior decorator. She told me that the whole house was fine, apart from the room at the top of the house. I think it might be a little problem attic.

I need to find a new source of electricity. Not happy with my current supplier.

I dont really know much about computers, but my idea of a hard drive is an hour in the car with my wife.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on reverse psychology! The librarian says, "You don't want to read that".

Then I asked for a book on homeopathy and the librarian said there were a few pages here and there throughout the library.

You need to have eyes in the back of your head when you've got kids. In hindsight, I wish I'd never had any.

I'm seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania, and I have taken something valuable away from every session.

My shrink is helping with my fear of money. He's raising his rates.

I bought a treadmill today. It's giving me a run for my money.

I think men who lose their penis should be remembered.

Did you hear about the bird that was born without a beak? He was born to succeed.

I was messing around with my buddy at the pottery factory yesterday and we got locked in the kiln. The boss fired us both.

A friend of mine is known for going round to peoples houses and stealing pictures of them. It's a poor trait.

I got kicked out of aerobics class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I went into the changing room several times, but it was still the same.

I came up with a way of getting coal out of the ground. Hope no one else thinks of the same idea - it's mine.

I complained to the city council that the street I live on has no name. They said they'll address it at the next board meeting.

My three unwritten rules :
1.
2.
3.

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia. I fear the wurst.

Trust undertakers: They're the last people to let you down.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's still all fun and games, just without depth perception.

You know you're fat when you get on a rowing machine and it sinks.

I lost my wife to quicksand. Took a while to sink in.

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages. For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

If I ever got the chance to name a street, I'd call it 'Skin Road'. Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with his pencil.

My parents went to Southeast Asia and all I got was this Laosy t-shirt.

The bra section. The only place in the world where you fail if you get an A.

90% of communication is done through body language. Which is why its really easy to lie to blind people.

What's longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage? Justin Bieber's chest hair.

My ex-wife and I settled our divorce in a very fair way and divided the house in two. She got the inside, I got the outside.

Some people say that dolphins are the most well adapted animal, but they can't hold a candle to us humans. No thumbs.

Christians believe that the Virgin Mary was somehow taken into heaven by God without actually dying. That's the Assumption, anyway.

My wife said she will write "Lazy Ass" on my headstone. Over my dead body!

I'm a big fan of Sarah Palin. Sorry, parasailing.

I'm as confused as a dyslexic man trying to sing 'Respect'!

I just had a boxing match with a Star Wars character. I won, Han's down.

No one ever disappears into fat air.

I invented a time machine but it only takes you back in time. The guy in the patents office couldn't see any future in it.

People call me an alcoholic but I only consume alcohol twice a year! When it's my birthday and when it's not my birthday.

How many squares are there on a chess board? Usually two, facing each other.

I was perfectly happy in Mississippi, then Mr. Sippi came back early from a business trip.

I helped a small child out just so I could get a better look at his mom. Thankfully she never realized I wasn't the midwife.

Imagine a world without made up scenarios.

My ice business got liquidated due to a power outage.

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution - 1024x768.

When someone prays for a flood to stop, they're basically saying, "God, dam it."

I've been meaning to pay my gas and electricity bill. But I just don't have the energy.

I've had my application rejected for a job with NASA. There was no space for me.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

A man walks into a brothel and asks, "Is that Hortense over there?" The Madam replies, "She looks perfectly relaxed to me."

I came home from work last night to find a police officer rooting through my CD rack. Turns out we'd been burgled and he was just looking for Prince.

Jesus died for our sins, so if we don't sin, he died for nothing.

According to North Korean press, Kim Jong Il has entered a sleeping contest.

I can see into the future, but only good things. I'm an optimystic.

By and large, the women involved in online dating are bi, and large.

My TV screen went black today. I can't get it to go back.

If your horse goes too fast, you mustang on.

I went to the furniture store and was browsing about for a while. A woman then came up and said, "What is it you are looking for?" I said, "One night stand." She called security.

My best friend's really easy going. He has irritable bowels.

Some people will never change. Like a nun, same clothes everyday.

I will never forget my childhood summers, when we would climb into old tires and roll down the hills. They were goodyears.

Who here knows how to perform with sock puppets? Can I have a show of hands?

Whenever I go out sightseeing I like to take a few pictures. Yesterday I got a Picasso.

I'm about to launch an online taxi firm. I just need to download the drivers.

Wearing glasses makes me look better.

There was a programmer in our workplace that got employee of the month and got promoted. He got arrays.

Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican.

It's a well known fact that Adolf Hitler loved dogs and other animals. He was, after all, a veteran Aryan.

My wife went through the roof when she stumbled upon my secret explosives collection in the attic.

People who have no index fingers are pointless.

My wife is thinking about getting a flu shot but I refused to give her advice. I just didn't want to influenza decision.

Took me 2 hours to grill a chicken yesterday but still couldn't get it to tell me why it crossed the road.

Every house needs a door, and that's where I come in.

I've just received a doctors appointment regarding my constipation. Unfortunately I can't go.

I decided to be more considerate of my neighbors. In fact, I went over and knocked on their door and told them at 4 o'clock this morning.

So we were seeing who's laptop could burn a disc the fastest. It was a discrace.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

I've come up with an idea for a spray that clears the air of all smells. I went to the patent office and the guy said; "This is madness!" "No." I said. "This is Non-Scents."

I pretend there are bits floating in my orange juice. Pulp Fiction.

I just got thrown out of our local hospital for misusing a breast-scanning unit. Or Binoculars, as the Security Guard insisted on calling them.

If that kid next door doesn't stop playing the drums, there will be serious repercussions.

The wife kept saying the same thing over and over again. Turns out it was just a phrase she was going through.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

For his 70th Birthday treat, Stephen Hawking's caregiver arranged for him to go out on a date, when he returned later that evening he was all covered in cuts and bruises, his caretaker asked him, "what the hell happened?" He replied, "She stood me up!"

A new survey shows that a fifth of American men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

I think I had something at lunchtime that disagreed with me. In fact I know I did - I was having dinner with my wife and her mother.

I'd hate to be the Captain of the Costa Concordia. He is in deep water. Which paradoxically, where he should have been in the first place.

I really wanted to re-marry the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.

How do you tell if someone owns an Apple product? Just wait, they will tell you.

I just called the S&M hotline but no one answered. They're probably all tied up.

My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.

I was walking down the street the other day, and a guy called me over to him. When I got there he said "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I was."

I've been studying abroad for two years now. She still doesn't know.

Someone stole my coffee cup from work on Friday. Just heading down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

What's the difference between a rocker and a jazz man? A rocker plays 3 chords in front of 3,000 people, and a jazz man plays 3,000 chords in front of 3 people.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

Even though I needed to use the bathroom I decided to try to hold it in so I could stay at the track to watch the last horse race. Number two won.

I went to the Natural History Museum and saw the two bees that Noah supposedly took with him. They were in the archives.

When I die, I want my last words to be, "I left $400,000 under the..."

I just looked up the word "indescribable" - ironically it's a describing word.

I've penned a few great novels in my time. I think that's why I'm not allowed in the library any more.

The local town executioner has had his basket stolen. Heads are going to roll!

I'm so much better at starting things than finishing them. That said,

Health Related True Facts

Absolutely True!

The safest number of times to reuse a disposable razor is only 3. Disposable razors have thinner blades than other razors, and are thus more prone to producing microscopic cuts in the skin. The longer you keep using a disposable razor, the more germs it will collect, and the greater the chance that a nick will become infected.

When you walk uphill, the level of harmful fats in the bloodstream goes down. When you walk downhill, blood sugar levels are reduced. Alter your patterns of exercise depending on your health needs!

90% of the calories in cream cheese come from fat! It's the most fattening cheese.

Make sure your television set is securely supported if you have young children in your house. At least 28 kids were killed by toppling television sets in 1997.

If you have an impaired immune system, don't eat alfalfa sprouts. Some sprouts have caused outbreaks of E. Coli and salmonella!

Coffee does not increase the risk of heart attacks. A recent study showed that even 4 or more cups daily didn't increase heart attack risk.

Sweet potatoes contain no more calories than white potatoes, and virtually no fat.

As people age, they burn fewer calories. This often results in increased body fat and loss of muscle. All it takes, however, is a brisk 2 mile walk daily to balance energy intake and energy needs.

If you have symptoms of a heart attack, such as chest pain, chew and swallow one adult aspirin tablet (325 mg) immediately, while you seek medical help. If you have only baby aspirin at home, chew four of them.

The number one vegetable in the US is the potato. Per capita consumption is 84 pounds each year! One third of those end up as french fries. 5% are in the form of potato chips.

Knuckle cracking does NOT cause arthritis, enlarged joints or any other harm. It's just irritating to some people.

Many studies show that married people tend to be healthier than unmarried ones. One theory is that being married encourages healthy behavior, such as wearing seat belts, being physically active and having blood pressure checked.

Watch out for cars turning left at traffic lights! A high proportion of accidents (with other cars or pedestrians) involve a left-turning vehicle!

If you order a shake at a fast food restaurant, the good news is: a 16 ounce shake provides about 400 mg of calcium. The bad news: it also supplies about 400 to 600 calories and at least 9 grams of fat!

Measure your waist to find out if you are at risk for weight-related health problems. For women, a waist measurement of 34 1/2 inches signals a serious risk. For men, the cutoff point is 40 inches.

Watch out! Grapefruit juice can greatly boost the concentration of certain drugs in the bloodstream. These include some popular cholesterol-lowering drugs, calcium channel-blockers, tranquilizers and some antihistamines.

If you drive with a small child in your car, make sure you use the child safety seat properly! Only about 60% of children age 4 or younger ride in such seats! In addition, 80% of these safety seats are improperly used.

Per-capita Mozzarella cheese consumption has risen five-fold since 1972. Mozzarella is the second most popular cheese, next to cheddar.

Walkers and hikers who apply an aluminum-containing antiperspirant to their feet daily for at least three days before a long hike can reduce the risk of blisters!

If you take more than 500 mg of calcium supplements daily, take half later in the day. The body absorbs smaller amounts of calcium much more efficiently than large doses. Taking the calcium with meals also improves absorption.

Moderate exercise may reduce the risk of gallstone attacks by 20 to 40%! People who watch more than 40 hours of TV per week have double the risk of gallstone symptoms compared to those watching little TV.

Disinfect your loofah sponge occasionally with diluted bleach. Sponges like this can become contaminated with bacteria that can cause skin irritation.

High-fiber foods are recommended on weight-loss diets because they're filling and nutritious. In addition, boosting your fiber intake reduces the number of calories your body absorbs from the food you eat!

If all adult American smokers had quit five years ago, there would have been an estimated 15% fewer overall deaths in the United States since then, according to a study from Rutgers University.

An easy way to tell about your sun protection in the summer: if your shadow is shorter than your height, it's sunburn time. In most parts of the country, that's between 10 am and 4 pm.

If a lightning storm occurs, you are safe in a car with a solid metal top with the windows and doors shut, as long as you aren't touching a metal part of the car! A bad place to stand is right outside the car during the storm. Never stand under a lone tree in a lightning storm. A forest is safer.

Don't let the fact that you are using a tanning lotion give you a false sense of security in the sun. You need a sunscreen with an SPF (sun protection factor) of at least 15 in the summer for adequate protection.

A 1992 study found that men are much less likely to discover skin lesions than women, which may help explain why men are more likely to die from this dangerous type of skin cancer. Men should make a special effort to examine their skin, especially on their backs, for signs of melanoma.

Don't assume that darker sunglasses block more ultraviolet (UV) rays. A dark tint is desirable because it blocks more visible light, but the color in no guarantee to UV protection.

It is important to have an advance directive (including a living will) in case of medical emergency. It's also important to make sure it is accessible to your doctor and at least one close relative.

Be careful when using bungee cords this summer; elastic cords with metal hooks at each end. These cords can easily snap and hit you in the eye, causing serious injury.

Vitamin C and E pills may protect against sunburn and thus possibly reduce the risk of skin cancer. But it does not replace a good sunscreen.

If you take chewable Vitamin C tablets, make sure you brush your teeth afterwards, or at least rinse your mouth out. The tablets make your mouth acidic enough to start dissolving tooth enamel.

Don't expect pounds shed in a commercial weight loss program to stay off - they almost always come back. The strongest predictor of maintaining weight loss is regular exercise. The best predictor of weight regain: frequent television viewing!

Nasal dilators, those tape strips along the bridge of your nose (you often see athletes wearing these) will not boost your athletic performance. There's no scientific evidence that these strips help people play longer, better or harder.

Women trying to conceive improve their chances if they give up alcohol. In one study, women who had consumed only one to five drinks a week were 60% as likely to conceive as non-drinkers. At more than 10 drinks per week, the chances fell to 34%!

More than 500,000 Americans are injured and 300 die each year while using ladders. Keep in mind the 4-and-1 rule; for every 4 feet the ladder rises up the wall, the base of the ladder should extend 1 foot from the wall!

Licking a wound actually does promote healing. Saliva helps disinfect wounds and kills bacteria.

What you do during the first few hours after you've sprained your ankle or pulled a muscle can determine whether you're back to your normal routine quickly or still hobbling a week later. The key is ICE, applied as soon as possible.

It may be impossible for many people to attain a flat stomach. Even if you're very thin, your internal organs are inside your abdomen. The flatness of your stomach in many cases depends on your genes.

Remove the skin from chicken if you're counting fat calories. If you don't eat the skin, you can reduce the fat content of a chicken breast by 3/4, and it's half the calories. By the way, dark meat without the skin still has 2 to 3 times as much fat as a skinless chicken breast.

Even though the average life expectancy in Japan, France and other countries is longer than the United States, if you reach age 80, statistically you have a greater chance of living longer in the United States.

If you buy tofu, only buy commercially sealed packages. Tofu (soybean curd) is often sold floating in open, unrefrigerated trays of water, which invite bacteria to grow and puts you at risk for gastrointestinal illness.

A tight tie can affect a glaucoma exam; if you're having your eyes checked, you shouldn't wear a tie all day.

Don't use home tooth-bleaching kits. These contain ingredients that can injure gums and other soft tissue of the mouth. They also can make you sick if you swallow them.

To minimize crying while slicing onions, put a piece of bread in your mouth! This may absorb some of the fumes.

Smoking does NOT keep people thin, according to a study of 4,000 people ages 18 to 30. Weight gain was common (averaging 2 pounds per year), whether the person smokes or not!

20% of airline passengers catch a cold after a two-hour flight.

Do you know why eyes often turn red in a photograph? Blood. Really. The little black dot in the middle of your eye is not black. It’s clear, it only looks black because there’s no light coming from behind it for illumination. However, when a flash goes off, the light enters the eye and reflects off of what it finds. It finds blood vessels, blood is red, and that’s what reflects.

To test how much fat is in a cracker, rub it over a paper napkin. If the cracker leaves a grease mark, there's lots of oil in it. Even if the cracker contains unsaturated vegetable oil, you don't need that extra fat!

Swimming is a great fitness activity. One reason is the water cools the body very efficiently, allowing for more exercise and less fatigue.

Alcohol can be a double whammy for hip fractures in older people; not only does excessive drinking increase the risk of falls, but it also decreases bone density.

If you're taking a daily low-dose aspirin for heart protection, you should take a full-sized 325mg aspirin twice a month. This additional dose further reduces the risk of clots.

The incidence of Type 2 diabetes (the most common form of diabetes) has increased dramatically over the last ten years. This increase is due to the fact that Americans are living longer, are getting fatter and are less physically active.

Caregivers who take care of a spouse for long hours have an increased risk of heart disease. The emotional strain (as well as potential financial strain) often makes caregivers take less time to look after their own health.

It's estimated that 10 to 15 million Americans are allergic to cockroaches. Skin irritation, hay fever symptoms, or asthma are some of the problems associated with cockroach allergy.

Aspartame has been studied more than any other food additive. 

Women have a keener sense of smell than men do, and it's particularly acute at the time of ovulation.

If you occasionally feel faint when standing up, try raising your arms over your head before you get up.

Only half of Americans with hypertension (high blood pressure) are being treated for it, and only half of those being treated have it under control. Nearly one third of those with high blood pressure don't even know they have it!

Second hand smoke is dangerous to people, but also to your pets. Cats and dogs are more likely to suffer from lung cancer and lymphoma if their owners smoke.

Most people cannot tell if and when they have bad breath unless someone tells them. If you often have bad breath, brush your tongue, especially if it looks coated. Be sure to brush the back of the tongue.

American men who turn 65 this year can expect to live another 16 years. Women, another 19 years.

Locally baked muffins, brownies and cookies almost always weigh more than their labels say, often 20% more! This may account for the often substantial underestimation of calories on the labels.

Brown eggs are not more nutritious than white eggs. The color of the egg shell is nothing more than indication of the breed from which it came.

A woman who starts smoking increases her risk of a heart attack twice as much as a man who starts. Woman have a lower risk of heart attack than men, especially in middle age, but smoking narrows this gender gap.

Chocolate may be a more effective cough remedy than cough medicine, according to a study at Imperial College London.

Though it has lots of calcium, yogurt contains no vitamin D. Milk is fortified with D, and is the major dietary source of it, but the milk that yogurt is made from isn't fortified. Vitamin D helps the body utilize calcium and build bone.

Skinless duck breast has less fat than skinless chicken breast, ounce for ounce.

Eat a potato with its skin - but pare away any green areas, trim visible blemishes and gouge out any sprouts. A potato's skin contains most of its iron, calcium and fiber. Ounce for ounce, the skin is the most nutritous part! The greenish hue on a potato is chlorophyll, a tip-off that too much solanine may be present. Solanine is bitter, and can produce headache, cramps and diarrhea if eaten in large quantities. Potato sprouts also contain lots of solanine, so avoid them.

To choose the best oranges, make sure it feels heavy for its size. That usually means more juice and more flavor.

Eating fruits and vegetables rich in antioxidants (such as vitamins C, E and beta carotene) may keep lungs healthy and thus reduces the risk of asthma, emphysema, and chronic bronchitis. This benefit is less for smokers.

Ounce for ounce, green peppers have three times more Vitamin C than oranges.

American MALE drivers are three times more likely to be killed in a car crash, but American FEMALE drivers are slightly more likely to be in a crash on a per-mile basis. Generally, men drive faster and take more risks, which may account for the average severity of crashes.

Corn, tomatoes and carrots actually have more nutrients after being canned than when raw.

Caffeine boosts the analgesic effect of aspirin or ibuprofen (Motrin). That's why it is added to some products (like Excedrin). But you can simply take a pain reliever with a caffeinated beverage such as coffee, tea or cola to get the same effect!

Both green and black tea have enough flouride to fight tooth decay. Some studies show that tea, if you drink it daily over a lifetime, may also prevent heart disease and cancer.