FUNNY MIXED JOKES

The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.

The Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

The Unconcerned Widow

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed it very much.
Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

They're Busy

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Looking for me."

Things I've Learned from My Children

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Three Explorers Are Captured...

A Frenchman, an Englishmanand a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says,"The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and thenuse your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how youdie."

    The Frenchman says, "Itake ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive laFrance!" and drinks it down.

    The Englishman says,"A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at hishead, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

    The New Yorker says,"Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. TheNew Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, thechest, everywhere.

    There's blood gushing outall over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are youdoing???"

    The New Yorker looks at thechief and says, "So much for your canoe,  asshole!"

Tickle These, Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.

The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Top Ten Reasons For Being English

1. Two World Wars and one World Cup
2. Proper beer
3. You can confuse everyone with the rules for cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously
5. Union Jack Underpants
6. You can live in the past and imagine that you're still a world power
7. You can bathe once a week whether you need to or not
8. You can change your underwear once a week whether you need to or not
9. Beats being Scottish
10. Beats being Welsh

Top Ten Surreal, Scary, or Stupid Situations

 

1.     Remake of "Roots" starring Michael Jackson

2.     Performance of "The Nutcracker" by the Bolshoi Ballet with special guest Hillary Clinton

3.     The Martha Stewart WWF Smackdown

4.     Any sitcom starring Emeril Lagasse

5.     Jerry Falwell napping with a Teletubby stuffed toy

6.     Any day in the life of the British royalty

7.     Ricky Martin in a tasteful, hot pink, off-the-shoulder number

8.     Bill Gates on a Harley Davidson

9.     Yet another commercial starring Carrot Top

10.                       Osama bin Laden in a Christian Science bookstore

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''

Stupid people awards

The Darwin Awards

The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)... We proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:

5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used a .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off."

"He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that" Payne said.

1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.

A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is unde investigation.

Now this year's winners:(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.

They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence.

Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.

Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves Scratched his ENTIRE body, without the protection of his shorts. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches.

(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.

Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his body, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

Stupid people fearing

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Technology problems

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another problem solved.

Very stupid musician

August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.

Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

An inscription problem

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

Mariah Carey's quote

Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN "I'm inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again".

When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of "confusion".

Stupid people stories

Stupid people

LICENSE TO STEAL

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Welfare applications

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

20 Reasons To Call It A Night

1.     You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.

2.     You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your bottom while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.    

3.     You've suddenly decided that you want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe that you could do it too.

4.     In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5.     You drop your 3:00 a.m. Burger on the floor (which you're eating even though you're not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6.     You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them so much.  

7.     There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work.  

8.     You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.  

9.     The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.  

11. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.  

12.  You seem to think that its a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping trolley.  

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.  

14.  You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.  

15.  You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."  

16.  You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.  

17.  You're hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.    

18.  You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you  happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.  

19.  You begin leaving the buttons open on your button fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink.  

20  You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.

Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no food.

24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Maintaining Your Insanity

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e-mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis the-King@companyname.com 

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

24) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."

25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "Third time this week!!!"

26) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

28) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

29) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

How To Handle Stress

1.Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2.Use your Master card to pay your Visa.
3.Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4.When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
5.Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6 Forget the diet center and send yourself a candy gram.
7.Dance naked in front of your pets.
8.Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong.
9.Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
10.Retaliate for your tax woes by filling out your tax forms in Roman numerals.
11.Tattoo "Out To Lunch" on your forehead.
12.Leaf through a national geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
13.Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
14.Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
15.Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your bosses wife.
16.Pay your electric bill in pennies.
17.Drive to work...in Reverse!
18.Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of "The Flintstones" during that important Finance meeting.
19.Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
20.Refresh yourself: Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
21.Polish your car with earwax.
22.Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
23.Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
24.Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
25.Braid the hairs in each nostril.
26.Write a short story using alphabet soup.
27.Lie on your back eating celery...using your navel as a salt dipper.
28.Stare at people through he tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
29.Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Does Your Cat Own You?

1.     Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

2.     Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

3.     Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

4.     Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?

5.     Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

6.     Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

7.     Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?

8.     Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

9.     Does your cat sleep on your head?
Do you like it?

10.     Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

11.     Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

12.     Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

13.     Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

14.     Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

15.     Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?

Does Your Dog Own You?

1.     You believe every dog is a lap dog.

2.     If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

3.     You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

4.     You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

5.     You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

6.     You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

7.     No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dogs).

8.     You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

9.     You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

10.                       You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

11.                       You let the neighbor dog sleep over.

12.                       You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

13.                       Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

14.                       When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

15.                       You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

16.                       You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

17.                       Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

Top Ten Put Downs

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king! She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me every where. Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.

Why Parents Go Grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's  home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."  

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.  

"Yes," whispered the small voice.  

"May I talk with him?"  

The child whispered, "No."  

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is  your mommy there?"  

"Yes."  

"May I talk with her?"  

Again the small voice whispered, "No."  

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"  

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."  

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"  

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.  

"Busy doing what?"  

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is  that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.  

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.  

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just  landed the hello-copper."  

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss  asked, "What are they searching for?"  

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:  "ME."