Five Questions Most Feared By Men

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat in this?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.

New college classes for men!

College Classes For Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

What I Want In A Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List... (at age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover 

What I Want In A Man, Revised List... (at age 42) 

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

Jokes about Men

OK gals it's time for some men put downs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy. 

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell. 

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract. 

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they
wrinkle. 

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around him. 

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted. 

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to
women?
Exchange him. 

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it. 

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name. 

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes. 

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times. 

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..." 

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them. 

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before
creating your masterpiece. 

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts. 

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing. 

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. 

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Words of Wisdom

Use them as Needed . . . 

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the hell is the ceiling???"

12. My reality check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier . . .

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through Peanut Butter!

16. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

 

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what
management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to
work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are
wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax
at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a
couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their
lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
"gross,"

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Wisdom From The Seat of a Tractor

AN OLD NEBRASKA FARMER'S WORDS OF WISDOM:

 
“YOUR FENCES NEED TO BE
HORSE-HIGH, PIG-TIGHT AND BULL-STRONG.”

“KEEP SKUNKS AND BANKERS AT A DISTANCE.”

“LIFE IS SIMPLER WHEN YOU PLOW AROUND THE STUMP.”

“A BUMBLE BEE IS CONSIDERABLY FASTER THAN A JOHN DEERE TRACTOR.”

**“WORDS THAT SOAK INTO YOUR EARS ARE WHISPERED NOT YELLED.”

“MEANNESS DON'T JUST HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.”

“FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES; IT MESSES UP THEIR HEADS.”

“DO NOT CORNER SOMETHING THAT YOU KNOW IS MEANER THAN YOU.”

“IT DON'T TAKE A VERY BIG PERSON TO CARRY A GRUDGE.”

**“YOU CANNOT UNSAY A CRUEL WORD.”

“EVERY PATH HAS A FEW PUDDLES.”

“WHEN YOU WALLOW WITH PIGS, EXPECT TO GET DIRTY.”

“THE BEST SERMONS ARE LIVED, NOT PREACHED.”

“MOST OF THE STUFF PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT, AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY.”

“DON'T JUDGE FOLKS BY THEIR RELATIVES.

**“REMEMBER THAT SILENCE IS SOMETIMES THE BEST ANSWER.”

“LIVE A GOOD AND HONORABLE LIFE, THEN WHEN YOU GET OLDER AND THINK BACK,
YOU'LL ENJOY IT A SECOND TIME.

“DON'T INTERFERE WITH SOMETHIN' THAT AIN'T BOTHERING YOU NONE.”

“TIMIN' HAS A LOT TO DO WITH THE OUTCOME OF A RAIN DANCE.”

“IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A HOLE, THE FIRST THING TO DO IS STOP DIGGIN'.”

“SOMETIMES YOU GET, AND SOMETIMES YOU GET GOT.

**“THE BIGGEST TROUBLEMAKER YOU'LL PROBABLY EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH,
WATCHES YOU FROM THE MIRROR EVERY MORNIN'.”

“ALWAYS DRINK UPSTREAM FROM THE HERD.”

“GOOD JUDGMENT COMES FROM EXPERIENCE, AND A LOTTA THAT COMES FROM BAD
JUDGMENT.”

“LETTIN' THE CAT OUTTA THE BAG IS A WHOLE LOT EASIER THAN PUTTIN' IT BACK
IN.”

“IF

YOU GET TO

THINKIN' YOU'RE A PERSON OF SOME INFLUENCE, TRY ORDERIN' SOMEBODY ELSE'S
DOG AROUND.”

**“LIVE SIMPLY, LOVE GENEROUSLY, CARE DEEPLY, SPEAK KINDLY, AND LEAVE THE
REST TO GOD.”

“DON'T PICK A FIGHT WITH AN OLD MAN. IF HE IS TOO OLD TO FIGHT, HE'LL JUST
KILL YOU.”

 HELPFUL TIPS TO MAKE LIFE SIMPLE

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

RULES OF THE ROAD

* If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current state of the light.

* The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.

* If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.

* Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.

* While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

* Every lane is the suicide lane.

* Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your parked car.

* If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of painted lines.

* For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest!

* To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are suffering from (or past) your midlife crisis.

* If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.

* If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Toward the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the late news.

* Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

* If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!

* Take full advantage of your right to U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.

* In case of rain, pull over immediately! You cannot drive in any sort of precipitation.

* While driving uphill, do not downshift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

* On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.

SOME SMART LAWS

Rhode's Corollary To Hoare's Law: Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free.

Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from the floor-especially in the dark.

Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.

Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.

Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer.

Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Some smart words to guide you through YOUR LIFE

 
·  Patience is the companion of wisdom - Saint Augustine
·  Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow - Aristotle
·  To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it - Confucius
·  He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot.  He that dare not is a slave - Andrew Carnegie
·  An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind - Shakyamuni Buddha
·  The only way to have a friend is to be one - Ralph Waldo Emerson
·  You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist - Indira Gandhi
·  You must be the change you wish to see in the world - Mahatma Gandhi
·  A bowl belongs to whoever needs it - A Native American saying
·  Without memory, there is no healing; without forgiveness, there is no future - Desmond Tutu
·  Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something - Plato
·  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder – Anon
·  The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian    Pickrell 

·  Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknown
·  He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - Unknown
·  I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams
·  The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William Shakespeare
·  Silence and smile are two powerful words.  Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - Anon
·  Knowledge talks, wisdom listens
·  There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full - Henry Kissinger
·  He could start a row in an empty house - Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise
·  I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure - Clarence Darrow
·  He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire - Winston Churchill
·  I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. Fields
·  In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie Brown
·  To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone - Reba McEntire
·  Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway - Anon
·  Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success
·  A wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15