Taking the final exam

 

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

An extremely loyal fan

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Adopt an NBA player

THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!

With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.

Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.

Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.

___YES, I want to help!

I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:

Skiing season training

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

Heaven playing sports

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

Stupid sports quotes

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)

Sports entrance exam

           UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM

          SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION

            (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient

   Babylonian Empire with particular

   reference to architecture, literature,

   law and social conditions

   -OR-

   give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:

   (a) build a bridge

   (b) sail the ocean

   (c) lead an army or

   (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (please check

   only one answer)

   (a) Jewish

   (b) Catholic

   (c) Hindu

   (d) Polish

   (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is

   0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is

   on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?

   (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north

   called?

 (a) Westerners

 (b) Southerners

 (c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called

    George, the last one being George the

    Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?

     (a) Macy's

     (b) a 7-11

     (c) Canada

     (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory

    of Relativity?

     (a) yes

     (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National

    Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of

    Dynamic Equilibrium

     -OR-

     spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story

    building located?

17. Which part of America produces the

    most oranges?

     (a) New York

     (b) Florida

     (c) Canada

     (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math.

    If you have three apples how many apples

    do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.)

    stand for?

*You must answer three or more questions

correctly to qualify*

Business Facts

All you ever needed to know about work

The road to success is always under construction.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost.

If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

To err is human, to blame somebody else shows good management skills. (thanks to Jordan)

New systems generate new problems.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the serviceman.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Any design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

The degree of technicalcompetence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.

There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches. 

If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you no longer need it; are in the middle of something else; or don't want it to be fixed because now you don't want to do what you were supposed to do.

The more urgent the need for a decision to be made, less apparent becomes the identity of the decision maker.

It is never wise to let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.

Don't fix something that ain't broke, 'cause you'll break it and you still can't fix it.

If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.

Standard parts are not.

Interchangeable tapes aren't.

Never trust modern technology. Trust it only when it is old technology.

For any given software, as soon as you master it, a new version of that software appears.

The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most.

In today's technical environment, it is a requirement that we forget more than we learn.

It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make something simple.

Measurements will be quoted in the least practical unit; velocity, for example, will be measured in 'furlongs-per-fortnight'.

An expert will always state the obvious.

The chance a copy machine will break down is proportional to the importance of the material that needs to be copied and inversely proportional to the amount of time till the material will be needed.

A maintenancedepartment will neglect a customer's complaints until it starts installations on the customer's new projects.

If it works in theory, it won't work in practice. If it works in practice, it won't work in theory.

No matter how clever and complete your research is, there is always someone who knows more.

The less intelligent the idea, and the person stating it, the more likely it will be funded.

A man with one watch is certain about time. A man with two watches isn't.

The more knowledge you gain, the less certain you are of it.

Technicians are the only ones that don't trust technology.

The more you want to contact someone over an instant messinger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be online.

The more important your email is, the worse your email program will screw it up.

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

THIS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU GET OLD (PART 1)

·        Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

·        In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

·        No one expects you to run into a burning building.

·        People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

·        People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

·        There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

·        Things you buy now won't wear out.

·        You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

·        You can live without sex but not without glasses.

·        You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

·        You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

·        You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.

·        You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

·        You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

·        You sing along with elevator music. 

·       ·  Your eyes won't get much worse.

·        · Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

·        · Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

·        Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

·        Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

·        You can't remember who sent you this list.

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.  Friedrich Nietzsche