ALWAYS SOMETHING TO SMILE FOR…

• I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
• I went in to a pet shop.  I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
• I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'
• I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'
• I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'
• I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought: 'That's Aboriginal.'
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.  'Best Before End'
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.  I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
• I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley.'
• I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
• I went to the doctor and I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
• I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.  I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue.' I couldn't put it down.
• I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.  I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
• I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.  She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.  It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

BACK TO FUNNY SCHOOL

• Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
• Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.
• The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
• The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
• InIn midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
• Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
• Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses then went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
• Gravity was invented by Issaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
• Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.