CRAZY WORLD

Caught by a local tribe

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

How to speak Southern

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

Aig - What a hen lays

Aints - He's got aints in his paints

Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin

Bag - He bagged her to marry him

Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub burned out

Cheer - What you set in

Crick - A small stream

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

Core - He got hisself a new Ford core

Cyow - Animal on Farm

Deppity - He helps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Dainz - Satidy night social

Ellum - A graceful tree

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Faince - Whats round the hawg lot

Far - What get the brandin arn hot

Furred - He got furred from his job

Flar - A rose is a purdy flar

Frash - Them aigs ain't frash

Furiners - All non-'bamans

Further - Hits ten miles further to town

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n

Hilbilly - People in the next county

Hollar - Whats between the hills

Hard - Got a brend new hard

hand Tar - His core blew a tar

Laymun - A sour fruit

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin

Mailk - what you get from cyows

Mere - What you see your self in

Minners - Live bait

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Nup - No

Orrel - Them hinges need orrel

Ormy - What the sojers go in

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Petition - What separate the rooms

Poke - A paper bag or sack

Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke

Salit - A green vegetable

Puppet - What the preacher is in

Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher

Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

Rang - You wear it on your fanger

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town

Rainch - A big cow farm

Rat - Do it rat now!

Rench - Rench the soap yourself

Roont - She plum roont her shoes

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Soardeens - Small canned fish

Shar - A light rain

Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain

Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody

Pop - A soft drink

Sprang - Water out'n the ground

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it

Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat

War - A bobbed war fance

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Warter - What you worsh your face in

Yurp - A continent overseas

Competition of a nation

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"

Defining the Americans

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

Welcoming to America

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

Admit that you did that

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

Only found in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

Native American trades

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know of collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know of deposit."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

Something to Think About

In 1923, Who Was

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What  became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral: Screw work. Play golf.

Wackiness at work

How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace 

1. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

2. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during themeeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

3. Insist that your e-mail addressbe"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

8. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

11. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

12. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No, I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." "Hey Bucko, are we meeting later?"etc...

14. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children draw stick figures yourself.)

15. Schedule meetings for 4:14 p.m.. or 2:37 p.m., or 10:16 a.m.. 

16. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

17. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

18. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom." 

20. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

21. Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

23. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

24. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office,and talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when she/he leaves.

25. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office,mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave to get a coffee.

26. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

27. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

28. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

29. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

30. "Hi-lite" your shoes and tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
 
34. Include a personal note on every email you send. "On apersonal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." or "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

35. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

37. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

38. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your own children.

39. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc.... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

40. See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.

41. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

42. Put a sign on the copier that says, "Voice Activated! Speak loudly into the panel."

Insurance Claim Forms

TRUE EXTRACTS FROM UK INSURANCE CLAIM FORMS:

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet.

I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?

This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke. I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control. I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit himagain.  I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at mymother-in-law and headed over the embankment. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of itsintention. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring myvision and I did not see the other car. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when myuniversal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later foundin a ditch by some stray cows.

Not so famous Interviews

Julius Caesar - My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that. 

Jesse James - I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks. 

Marie Antoinette - My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of my self as a people person. 

Joseph Guillotine - I can give your company a head start on the competition. 

Hamlet - My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover. 

Lucretia Borgia - My greatest accomplishment? after I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one. 

Pandora - I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things. 

Genghis Khan - My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries. 

MacBeth - Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion. 

Lady Godiva - What do mean this isn't business casual? 

Elvis - My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries

Famous Last Words

1. I'll get a world record for this.

2. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

3. It's fireproof.

4. He's probably just hibernating.

5. I'm making a citizen's arrest.

6. So, you're a cannibal.

7. It's probably just a rash.

8. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

9. The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!

10. Pull the pin and count to what?

11. Which wire was I supposed to cut?

12. I wonder where the mother bear is.

13. I've seen this done on TV.

14. These are the good kind of mushrooms.

15. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

16. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.

17. Rat poison only kills rats.

18. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

19. This doesn't taste right.

20. I can make this light before it changes.

21. Nice doggie.

22. I can do that with my eyes closed.

23. Well, we've made it this far.

24. That's odd.

25. Don't be so superstitious!

Lessons from Hollywood

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Bad Pick Up Lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!

Things Parents Don't Say

1. How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

2. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

3. Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.

4. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

5. That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

6. Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

7. The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

8. Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

9. Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

10. Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Funny Quotes

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

inspiring words from the famous which will make you fill happy 

• One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. - Sophocles
• Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young. - Arthur Wing Pinero
• To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven. - Karen Sunde
• Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. - Marcel Proust
• At the end of the day, love and compassion will win. - Terry Waite 

• Beauty is truth, and truth is beauty - John Keats 

• A thing of beauty is a joy forever: its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness. - John Keats

• Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. - Henry David Thoreau
• Never refuse any advance of friendship, for if nine out of ten bring you nothing, one alone may repay you. - Madame de Tencin
• Do not save your loving speeches for your friends till they are dead; Do not write them on their tombstones, Speak them rather now instead. - Anna Cummins
• The deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy. - Alfred North Whitehead
• Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.  Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde
• If you want to be happy, be. - Leo Tolstoy
• Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours. - Swedish Proverb
• Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. - Swedish proverb

• Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby.