Top Ten... Sleeping at Desk
10) ''They told
me at the blood bank this might happen.''
9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''
8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''
7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''
6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''
5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''
4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''
3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''
2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''
1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''
9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''
8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''
7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''
6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''
5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''
4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''
3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''
2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''
1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''
Uncle Ted's Morals
Billy's homework
assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks
about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand
and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on
the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we
hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to
the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''
Watch and Learn
A rather
confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for
a moment.
The woman notices this and asks,
"Is your date running late?""No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"
A Real Watch Dog
A blind man
walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He
walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and
started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were
doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset
at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind
man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."
American in Mexico
There was this
American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking
around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a
donkey?'
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my …?"
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my …?"
