Marriage quotes

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Man and wife make one fool.

Fishing Terms Explained

HOOK: A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel.

LINE: Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

LURE: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

REEL: A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

ROD: An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

SCHOOL: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and wait for cheese instead.

TACKLE: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

TACKLE BOX: A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

TEST: A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

Ultra dumb people

The incredibly dumb

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

Murphy's work laws

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Wedding Toast

Wedding Toast

Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).

Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.

Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

Forecast for Wedding...

Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions.

Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But we'll be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!

From the football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."

Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.

Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!

Hope all your Tries are not converted.Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way

.In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..

It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.

It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he's married.

It's always fun to ask at the reception, "What time's the grand opening?" Or after the honeymoon, "Glad to see you back on your feet."

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..

Some smart words to guide you through YOUR LIFE

 
·  Patience is the companion of wisdom - Saint Augustine
·  Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow - Aristotle
·  To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it - Confucius
·  He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot.  He that dare not is a slave - Andrew Carnegie
·  An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind - Shakyamuni Buddha
·  The only way to have a friend is to be one - Ralph Waldo Emerson
·  You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist - Indira Gandhi
·  You must be the change you wish to see in the world - Mahatma Gandhi
·  A bowl belongs to whoever needs it - A Native American saying
·  Without memory, there is no healing; without forgiveness, there is no future - Desmond Tutu
·  Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something - Plato
·  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder – Anon
·  The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian    Pickrell 

·  Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknown
·  He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - Unknown
·  I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams
·  The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William Shakespeare
·  Silence and smile are two powerful words.  Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - Anon
·  Knowledge talks, wisdom listens
·  There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full - Henry Kissinger
·  He could start a row in an empty house - Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise
·  I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure - Clarence Darrow
·  He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire - Winston Churchill
·  I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. Fields
·  In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie Brown
·  To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone - Reba McEntire
·  Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway - Anon
·  Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success
·  A wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15