Men Are Happier

And why shouldn't they be?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is "just too icky".

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.  

One mood all the time.  

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.  

Your underwear is $8.95 (or less) for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.  

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need - but it's on sale.

WEDDINGS

Wedding dress $5000.

Tux rental $100.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

A Perfect Day

From the Female and Male Perspective

The Perfect Day for Her:

8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in: 5lbs lighter than yesterday!
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms


The Perfect Day for Him!

6:15 Wake up to sexy time
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast: Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private jet: Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land world record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 Private jet back home, massage & sexy time enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45 Poop, shower and shave
7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 Sexy time with three women
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
11:55 Sleep

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When

• Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
• You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
• Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
• You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
• Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
• Your income tax refund check bounces.
• It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
• The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
• You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
• You put both contacts into the same eye.
• Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
• Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
• You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
• Nothing you own is actually paid for.
• Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
• The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
• You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
• The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
• People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
• When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
• You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
• You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.

 

You Know You're From California When...

• The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
• You were born somewhere else.
• You know how to eat an artichoke.
• The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
• Your car has bulletproof windows.
• Left is right and right is wrong.
• Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
• Your mouse has only one ball.
• You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
• You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
• You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
• You drive to your neighborhood block party.
• Your family tree contains "significant others".
• Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
• You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
• You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
• More than clothes come out of the closets.
• When "the Dead" are best live.
• You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
• More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
• Smoking in your office is not optional.
• You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
• When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch".
• Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
• Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
• You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
• You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
• A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
• When all highways into the state say: "no fruits".
• All highways out of the state say: "Go back".

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You speed walk in your sleep.
• You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• Cocaine is a downer.
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You buy milk by the barrel.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
• You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
• You get drunk just so you can sober up.
• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You don't get mad, you get steamed.
• Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Murphy's work laws

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN...

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
The little league puts you on waivers.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
The moths in your money belt starve to death.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
Your wife starts charging you rent.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
The department of biological warfare ask for your stew recipe.
Your children's school calls to surrender.
You can't afford to drive your new car.
It takes you three hours to make minute rice.
You're so bored you play hide & seek alone.
The fortune teller charges you half price.
People give you the senior citizen discount and you're only 37.
Your wife takes the dog on vacation and leaves you at the kennels.
You find a note on the table instead of supper.
Your wife tapes your picture to the dart board.
The bribes family throws rocks instead of rice.
Your wife is sitting on the stove holding a picket sign.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.

The house is messy again before you can finish cleaning.
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
You put both contacts in the same eye.
Your mother approves of the girl you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
You invite the peeping Tom in...and he says no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
You call your wife and tell her that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, you find a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...and there aren't any.
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

SOME INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT EASTER

When is Easter Sunday

• 2012  8th April
• 2013 30th March
• 2014 20th April

Easter Sunday celebrates the day when Jesus Christ was resurrected.  On Good Friday, Christ was crucified and then buried.  But on the third day, he rose from the dead.  Thus Easter Sunday is the most important date in the Christian calendar, far more important than even Christmas day - Jesus' birth.
Fewer than one person in a thousand could tell you how the date for Easter Sunday is determined and thus explain precisely why Easter falls on a different date each year.  While many people will tell you the moon was a factor, few realize that the vernal equinox plays a crucial role in the calculation.
This simplistic calculation for 'When is Easter' works for most years:
1) Start your calculation from the Vernal Equinox, which is usually on March 21st.
2) Consult a diary to determine the next full moon.  Easter falls on the following Sunday.
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As mentioned earlier, Easter Sunday is set by the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20).  Here's the interesting info.  2008 was the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives! And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!). And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier! Here's the facts:
1) The next time Easter will be as early as March 23 will be the year 2228 (200+ years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that!).
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 (275+ years from now). The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than March 23rd 2008.

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• Palm Sunday is always on the Sunday before Easter.
• Good Friday is two days before Easter (Christ arose on the third day).
• Mothering Sunday (UK) 3 weeks before Easter
• Ash Wednesday, which marks the start of lent is 46 days before Easter.  The calculation of 40 days for lent discounts Sundays, thus explaining the discrepancy between 46 and 40.  There is also 'Shrove Tuesday' otherwise known as 'Pancake Day'.

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In times gone by, Easter bonnets [spring bonnets] were commonplace.  People liked to dress up in their finest clothes for the festival.  Women would consider it a matter of pride to buy a new bonnet for Easter, the frillier and more luxurious the better.
This appears to be in many ways a reaction to the ending of the Christian period of Lent.  During Lent, many Christians deny themselves luxuries.  So when Lent ended, going out and buying an Easter bonnet was an enjoyable way to greet Easter.  Spring time in general represents an end of the deprivations and restrictions of winter.
Easter bonnets were also worn in the Easter parades that used to be more common than they are today.
The heyday of bonnet wearing in the US was probably the 1930s. In his song "Easter Parade," Irving Berlin includes the following lines:
'In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it,
You'll be the grandest lady in the Easter Parade.
I'll be all in clover and when they look you over,
I'll be the proudest fellow in the Easter Parade.
On the avenue, Fifth Avenue, the photographers will snap us,
And you'll find that you're in the rotogravure*.
Oh, I could write a sonnet about your Easter bonnet,
And of the girl I'm taking to the Easter Parade.'
The song also went on to be featured in the 1948 movie "Easter Parade". In recent years the custom of wearing Easter bonnets has rather declined.
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Fortunately these extra nuances only come into play every 20 years or so.
For 2000 years it is the Church that calculates when Easter falls.  They are the sole arbiters of this date. Their calculations fix the Vernal Equinox at March 21st, even if astronomically, it falls on March 20th.  Moreover, the ecclesiastical full moon is always 14 days from the ecclesiastical new moon.  This may vary by one day from the astronomical full moon.
There are two more variables.  The international date line may potentially cause the full moon to fall on different days in different parts of the world.  Finally some Eastern Churches use the Julian calendar instead of the more modern Julian calendar, this factor produces the biggest practical difference in the determination of Easter.
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SOMETHING FOR VALENTINE’S DAY

LOVE WINS EVERYTHING

'I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.' Dorothy Parker

'Women are cursed, and men are the proof.' Rosanne Barr

'Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.'  Mae West

'Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.' Mickey Rooney

'My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.'Rita Rudner

'The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.' Ann Landers

'I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.' Barbara Bush

'Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.' Groucho Marx

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.Thomas Szasz

If you are in love, and wish to send you own Valentine's Day quotes, either use these or else modify them for your own true love.

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed. J. Krishnamurti

All you need is love. John Lennon

Love sought is good, but giv'n unsought is better. William Shakespeare in Twelfth Night (Act III, Scene I)

One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved. Romain Rolland

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.Lynda Barry

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. Thomas Robert Dewar

A heart that loves is always young. Greek Proverb

But I have seen theeAnd thou art enough. G. Moore 

Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me. Sarah Bernhardt 

Friendship is one mind in two bodies. Mencius

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.Winnie the Pooh

There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved. George Sand

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control.

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. Pascal

The risk it takes to remain tight inside the bud is more painful than the risk it takes to blossom.Anais Nin

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. Barbara DeAngelis

Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle. Crystal Middlemas

Greater Love has no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends. Jesus

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. Eden Ahbez

It's not that I can't live without you...it's just that I don't even want to try.It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.' Alfred, Lord Tennyson

True love begins when nothing is looked for in return. Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Love, you know, seeks to make happy rather than to be happy. Ralph Connor

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost. Charles Caleb Colton

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere. Tim McGraw

Hold a true friend with both your hands. Nigerian Proverb

My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life. Lee Iacocca

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Anon

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say. Anon

If you walk in front of me, I may not follow.
If you walk behind me, I may not lead.
If you walk beside me, I will be your friend. Albert Camus

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
Mark Twain

Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are. Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; A woman loses hers after four kisses. H.L. Mencken

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point.  That's basic spelling that every woman tought to know. Mistinguette

Don't wait for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without.Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road. Kelly Elaine

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. Sophocles

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.  David Bissonnette

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.  If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.  Henny Youngman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.  Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?  Anonymous

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?  Lily Tomlin

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. John Barrymore

Absence: that common cure of love.

Miguel De Cervantes

Advanced Stress Management Techniques

If suffering from stress it may be difficult to react as this writer below suggests and make these comments in real life; however, they are quite amusing when read:

•    When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
•    Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
•    Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
•    I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 28 years.
•    Allow me to introduce my selves.
•    Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
•    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
•    Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.
•    I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
•    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
•    I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
•    Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
•    You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
•    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
•    Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
•    Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
•    Earth is full. Go home.
•    Is it time for your medication or mine?
•    How do I set the laser printer to stun?
•    I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.