Way's to Cope
With Stress
1. Put miniature
marshmallows in your ears, hum off-key loudly
2. Use your
Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. When someone
says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
4. Make a list of
things to do that you have already done.
5. Fill out your
tax form using Roman Numerals.
6. Tape pictures of
your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
7. Leaf through
"National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
8. Stick a post-it
that says, "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
9. Go shopping. Buy
everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day
10. Buy a
subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
11. Pay your
electric bill in pennies.
12. Drive to work
in reverse.
13. Read the
dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
14. Start a nasty
rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
15. Braid the hairs
in each nostril.
16. Write a short
story using alphabet soup.
17. Stare at people
through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
18. Make up a
language and ask people for directions in it.
19. Bill your
doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
20. Call up
everyone in your rolodex; when they answer, say, "I must have the wrong number!"
Quotes of
companies
Here are some of
the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:
As of tomorrow,
employees will only be able to access the building usingindividual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employeeswill receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )
What I need is a
list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
How long is this Beta
guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
E-mail is not to be
used to pass on information or data. It should be usedonly for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
This project is so
important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
Doing it right is
no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now,
go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell
them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
My boss spent the
entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the
boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed
away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He
said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
We know that
communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)
We recently
received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my boss
asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said,
"If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
As director of
communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted
me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he
showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable,
and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not
be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
Working Naked
Top 10 Reasons to
Work Naked
10. No one ever
steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad
hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts
attention from the fact that you also came to work
drunk.
7. People stop
stealing your pens after they've seen where you
keep them.
6. You want to see
if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those
creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
blouse.
4. "I'd love
to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to
finally meet that special person in Human
Resources.
2. Can take advantage
of computer monitor radiation to work on
your tan.
And (drum roll
please) the number one Reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is
always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
