A FEW NICE JOKES FOR TODAY
As
US tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow
tourists.
An
Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After
an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," Morris replied.
Looking
at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the
States."
"Yes
I am." said the wife.
He
looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes."
she replied.
Turning
to the husband, he said.... "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
Morris
looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's
not for sale."
After
the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked "Morris what took you
so long to answer?
Morris
replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back
home."
A husband and
wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair,
light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes,
and was short.
The father
eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife
and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our
youngest son my child?"
The wife
replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the
husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask
about the other three."
Guy goes over to his friend's
house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Hank home?" he
asks.
"No, I'm sorry, he's out
running some errands," she replies.
"Would you mind if I
wait?" he asks.
"No, that would be fine.
Come on in," she says.
They go into the kitchen, sit
down, and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful
breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see
one."
Laura thinks about it for a
second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He
promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit a while longer and Ben
says, "They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll
give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Laura thinks about it and
figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He
thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says, "I really
can't wait any longer. Please tell Hank I stopped by," and leaves.
A short while later, Hank
arrives home and Laura greets him at the door. "Your friend Ben stopped by
to see you," she says.
Hanks thinks for a moment and
asks, "Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"
A wife arrived home and found her
husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of
fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard
and put his penis in a vice.
Securing it tightly and removing the
handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.
Terrified, her husband screamed,
"Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?"
Placing the saw in her husband's
hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied, "Of course
not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!"
A guy walks into a post
office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter
methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with
hearts all over them.
He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting
the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess
who?'"
"But why?"
asks the man.
"I'm a divorce
lawyer," the man replies.
