On The Job Wisdom

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Sleeping on the Job

Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle:

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
the last time management course you sent me to."

4. "I was working smarter, not harder."

5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm!"

7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

9. "I'm in the management training program."

10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise
Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you (boss)
made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I
dreamed about work!"

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who
practice Yoga?"

13. "The coffee machine is broke...."

14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear
off!"

16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the
Walton's)"

18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!"

19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact
lenses without using my hands."

20. "The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing
dead to avoid getting shot."

21. "I thought you (boss) were gone for the day."

Good Things to Say When You're Stressed at Work

Good Things to Say When You're Stressed at work:

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Un.... you!"

2. "You say I'm a bad like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

6. "Do I look to you like a  people person!"

7. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

8. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

9. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

10. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

11. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

12. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

13. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

14. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

15. "Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

16. "Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done."

17. "You look like sh!t. Is that the style now?"

18. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

19. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement of ten misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

Elderly/Dementia Jokes

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

 An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried.  The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says.  She got in the back-seat by mistake."

____________ _________ _________ _______

FAMILY

      Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.  One night the 96 year old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses ... "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."  She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
       ____________ _________ _________ _______

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

      Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"  "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."  And the third man chimed in, "So am I.  Let's have a beer."

       ____________ _________ _________ _______

SUPERSEX

       A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

       ____________ _________ _________ _______

ROMANCE

      An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."  Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
       
Thirty  seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."  Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

      ____________ _________ _________ _______

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

       80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
      ____________ _________ _________ _______

SENIOR DRIVING

       As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.  It's hundreds of them!"
 _____________________ _________ _______

DRIVING

      Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could  barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"          
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Advanced Stress Management Techniques

If suffering from stress it may be difficult to react as this writer below suggests and make these comments in real life; however, they are quite amusing when read:

•    When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
•    Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
•    Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
•    I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 28 years.
•    Allow me to introduce my selves.
•    Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
•    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
•    Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.
•    I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
•    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
•    I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
•    Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
•    You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
•    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
•    Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
•    Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
•    Earth is full. Go home.
•    Is it time for your medication or mine?
•    How do I set the laser printer to stun?
•    I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.