LETS GO FISHING TODAY

Safe to swim here?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Want to be healed?

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

Business and fishing

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Catching the bear

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

We go bear hunting

Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

Need fishing licenses

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Lets see yer fishing license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

Hunting with a wife

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

Where is my goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

I have a question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothing'."

I marked the spot

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,

"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

Go on a hiking trip

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Write for mail order

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

Two men camping

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".

The other replied, "No, it's not!".

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."

Fish cost a fortune

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Dropped your wallet

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

Flying in the plane

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"

Did you see that?

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

Catching many fish

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

Fishermen killed

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Bad Literature

What were the authors thinking?

The confidence in his smile... that smile that pulled me in like ice cream melting down a cone. (Ann Howard Creel)

With the broken sob of a candy mugged infant, Brett rolled across the bed into the recently vacated hollow - a depression created by the recently departed Maria. 

Gerald began - but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash - to pee. (Jim Gleeson, Madison)

Danny, the little Grizzly cub, frolicked in the tall grass on this sunny Spring morning, his mother keeping a watchful eye as she chewed on a piece of a hiker they had encountered the day before. (Dave McKenzie, Federal Way)

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual. (Dan McKay, Fargo)

Racing through space at unimaginable speeds, Capt. Dimwell could only imagine how fast his spaceship was going. (Gary Smith, Florissant)

When Detective Riggs was called to investigate the theft of a trainload of Native American fish broth concentrate bound for market, he solved the case almost immediately, being that the trail of clues led straight to the trainmaster, who had both the locomotive and the Hopi tuna tea. (Mitsy Rae, Danbury)

India, which hangs like a wet washcloth from the towel rack of Asia, presented itself to Tex as he landed in Delhi (or was it Bombay?), as if it mattered because Tex finally had an idea to make his mark and fortune and that idea was a chain of steak houses to serve the millions and he wondered, as he deplaned down the steep, shiny, steel steps, why no one had thought of it before. (Ken Aclin, Shreveport)

It was high noon in the jungles of South India when I began to recognize that if we didn't find water for our emus soon, it wouldn't be long before we would be traveling by foot; and with the guerilla warriors fast on our heals, I was starting to regret my decision to use poultry for transportation. (Eric Winter, Minneapolis)

When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday, his children packed his bags and drove him to Golden Pastures retirement complex just off Interstate 95. (Stephen Farnsworth, Manchester UK)

Because of her mysterious ways I was fascinated with Dorothy and I wondered if she would ever consider having a relationship with a lion, but I have to admit that most of my attention was directed at her little dog Toto because, after all, he was a source of meat protein and I had had enough of those damn flying monkeys. (Randy Blanton, Murfreesboro)

The children of Hamelin were led away by a pied piper (it's common knowledge) to parts unknown; whither they went is now herein revealed, however the precise location is cloaked in accordance with International Fantasy Regulation IFR.02.3a governing site specifics as, for example, in any Harry Potter story the locations are indeed identified, but just you try and find them. (P.S. Hamilton, Pearland)

She walked toward him, her dress billowing in the wind -not a calm and predictable billows like the sea, but more like the billowing of a mildewed shower curtain in a cheap motel where one has to dance around to avoid touching it while trying to rinse off soap. (Kristin Harbuck, Bozeman)

The night resembled nothing so much as the nose of a giant Labrador in excellent health: cold, black, and wet. (Devery Doleman, Brooklyn)

After months of pent-up emotions like a caffeine-addict trying to kick the habit, Cathy finally let the tears come, at first dripping sporadically like an old clogged percolator, then increasing slowly like a 10-cup coffeemaker with an automatic drip, and eventually pouring out and noisily wailing like a cappuccino maker complete with slurping froth. (Chris Bui, Pensacola)

The rising sun crawled over the ridge and slithered across the hot barren terrain into every nook and cranny like grease on a Denny's grill in the morning rush, but only until eleven o'clock when they switch to the lunch menu. (Lester Guyse, Portland)

Coincidentally, just as Rose hung out the third sheet out to dry, it started to rain down in sheets and not the soft kind like a fine 400-count Egyptian cotton, but more harsh like a cheap poly blend but even so, Rose didn't notice as she was three sheets to the wind. (Barbara Bridges, Sierra Madre)

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently. (Mariann Simms, Wetumpka)

On holiday in Paris, France, we watched the Parisians sing and dance and soon they made us feel so good we fell into the festive mood of that city's cheerful pace that keeps a smile upon your face where there's such a lot to do and see, but it's hard to find a place to pee. (Walter Hamp, Sierra Vista)

His knowing brown eyes held her gaze for a seeming eternity, his powerful arms clasped her slim body in an irresistible embrace, and from his broad, hairy chest a primal smell of "male" tantalized her nostrils; "Looks like another long night in the ape house", thought veterinarian Abigail Brown as she gingerly reached for the constipated gorilla's suppository. (Paul Jeffery, Oxford)

As she contemplated the setting sun, its dying rays casting the last of their brilliant purple light on the red-gold waters of the lake, Debbie realized that she should never again buy her sunglasses from a guy parked by the side of the road. (Malinda Lingwall, Bloomington)

The mad muddy maelstrom of his mind meandered, mourned, and mulled, but did not mend or mollify his mood.

They say she carried her own warmth around with her, like one of those thermoregulating arctic mammals, say, a polar bear, or a baby harp seal (though not a penguin, which is Antarctic, anyway, and not a mammal, but a bird), but she wasn't fat or blubbery, which makes it all the more unbelievable why anyone would have wanted to club her to death for her fur coat, which wasn't even white, I'm told, but black. (Harry H. Buerkett, Urbana)

I won't delay this story with any fancy "Once upon a time" nonsense, preferring to dive right in, like Pete Rose bowling over Ray Fosse at home plate in the 1970 All-Star game at Riverfront Stadium, erupting a controversy over the point of the All-Star contest since that infamous slide did end Fosse's season and compromise his career in a seemingly pointless exhibition game, which was nothing compared to the subsequent controversies surrounding Charlie Hustle's tax fraud, betting habits, and haircuts. (Elizabeth Metz, Cincinnati)

It wasn't the desolate remoteness of the campsite that bothered him, or even the terrifying roar of the rapids beating themselves against solid granite below, so much as the eerie sound of pigs squealing in the distance and the fact that, in this light, cousin Billy looked disturbingly like Ned Beatty. (Cindy Erickson Gilman, Mission Viejo)

The sobering scene was laid out before Detective Robinson like a centerfold spread in Better Homes and Gardens or Martha Stewart Living, if the splayed bodies could be considered home furnishings such as hand-knotted 100% wool Tibetan area rugs or allergy-free hypodown throw pillows stuffed with European goose down and the blood on the walls had been a carefully spattered burnt vermilion latex paint for a classic aged or contemporary Jackson Pollock-like finish. (Theresa Olin, Nineveh)

Detective Inspector Mike Norman slipped six fingers into his overcoat pocket, five of them clad in a latex glove and attached to his palm, while the sixth was wrapped in a plastic evidence bag and apparently belonged to the kidnapped pianist Ricardo Moore, or, as it now seemed likely, the kidnapped ex-pianist Ricardo Moore. (Alan Campbell, Edinburgh)

T'asha lay in bed musing at the slight wrinkles in the down comforter which like waves in a gently wind-blown semi-calm sea heaved gently as she moved her legs under the cover and alternately wiggled her toes, causing a rogue ripple to course across the bed and die against the shore of the pillow. (Bob F. Bledsoe, Austin)

He knew that, at most, he had five seconds left to live, one one-thousand, two one-thousand, the gun barrel pointing at his face like a scolding finger, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, the hired assassin Ricardo's grip tightening on the trigger, five white elephants, six white elephants, and then a bright blast of light as he wondered which was really the most accurate way to count five seconds. (Vincent M. Zito, Monroe)

The rhythmic breathing of my companion was interrupted violently by a fit of coughing, causing the peace of the early morning to be ripped from me as if Richard Simmons had charged into my bedroom in his be-sequined health fervor and started Sweating to the Oldies on the end of my bed. (A. Caywood, Hermantown)

I'd stumbled onto solving my first murder case, having found myself the only eyewitness, yet no matter how frantically I pleaded with John Law that the perp was right in front of them and the very dame they'd been grilling the sultry but devious Miss Kitwinkle, who played the grieving patsy the way a concert pianist player plays a piano the cops just kept smiling and stuffing crackers in my beak. (Chris Esco, Miami)

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Although Sara could believe the brassiere she had found was from a mix-up at the Laundromat, that the lipstick on Bill's collar really had been from a cramped elevator, that the stiletto heel was indeed something the cat dragged in, when she pulled Chloe's unmistakable prosthetic arm from under the bed, she realized she had been played for a fool. (Nicholas R. Eaton, Saint Charles)

"Bring a bottle of wine and wear something uncomplicated I'm in no mood for a struggle tonight," rolled from Jean-Pierre's lips like a bowling ball shooting up the return ramp, only to slow itself abruptly at the top before ka-whonking! into the balls already lined up there like all the lines she had heard before, and Sylvia knew at last that all the good ones were not married, gay, or in Mexican prisons. (James Pokines, Hickam AFB)

Standing in the concessions car of the Orient Express as it hissed and lurched away from the station, Special Agent Chu could feel enemy eyes watching him from the inky shadows and knew that he was being tested, for although he had never tasted a plug of tobacco in his life, he was impersonating an arms dealer known to be a connoisseur, so he knew that he, the Chosen One, Chow Chu, had no choice but to choose the choicest chew on the choo-choo. (Loren Haarsma, Grand Rapids)

There was no question about it, my computer was locked up like a crazy aunt in a dark, secluded attic, or like the brakes on my '73 Chevy Impala on a rainy day when my wife is driving the kids to origami lessons and is running late because Isaiah, my son, made a fuss at the last minute and refused to be put into his car seat. (Peter L. Belmonte, Altus AFB)

In his arms, I wasn't a girl dreaming of sailing the high seas, and I wasn't a farm kid jumping the train, either, but a fully grown woman riding the soft side of the crescent moon. (Ann Howard Creel)

Sarah felt bored and unsatisfied, even though her job as a nurse's aide included helping patients and keeping track of the billiards equipment in the recreation room at the Venereal Disease Treatment Center, and she wondered what her mother had been thinking all those years when she repeatedly told her that a young lady should mind herpes and cues. (Brad Jolly, Longmont)

With a toe-trembling groan he rolled sideways and up into a tight ball, like a foetal armadillo, his teeth biting deeply into the knuckles of his right hand, and his eyes rolling back into their sockets like tinned ducks.

It was a barky and wormy night at Dr. Kilmore's 24-Hour Veterinary Emporium when, right in the middle of his 3:00 AM stool watch, Alberto suddenly realized that, pound for pound, Shih-Tzus swallow more tennis bracelets than most dogs twice their size. (Jan Socie, Campbell)

When the time came for Timothy to fly the nest, he felt the best years of his life were ahead of him, if only because he had spent the childhood ones living in a nest. (Sian Arthur, London)

Billy Bob gushed like a broken water main about his new love: "She's got long, beautiful, drain-clogging hair, more curves than an under-the-sink water trap, and she moves with the ease of a motorized toilet snake through a four-inch sewer line, but what she sees in me, a simple plumber, I'll never know." (Glenn Lawrie, Chung-buk South Korea)

The double agent looked up from his lunch of Mahi-Mahi and couscous and realized that he must escape from Walla Walla to Bora Bora to come face-to-face with his arch enemy by taking out his 30-30 and shooting off his nemesis' ear-to-ear grin so he could wave bye-bye to this duplicitous life, but the chances of him pulling this off were only so-so, much less than 50-50. (Charles Jaworski, North Pole AK)

Cheryl's mind turned like the vanes of a powerful wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories. (Sue Fondrie)

As his small boat scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a loss as to why he felt so blue. (Mike Pedersen)

Bad Analogies

Things that make you say "Hmm..."

The wheel of love had left its tread marks in his chest once too often, like a knobby mud tire on a monster truck, or like a really big ponce wheel, the kind that tailors use to punch little holes in patterns and that would leave lots of nasty little welts if you were to run it up and down your arm. (Peter Loughlin)

I saw her sitting at the bar. I approached. "Hello," she said in a voice so husky it could pull a dogsled. (Dan Yell)

Mitzi's wet T-shirt clung to her torso like paint on the nose cone of a jumbo jet. (James Macdonald)

Captain Burton stood at the bow of his massive sailing ship, his weathered face resembling improperly cured leather that wouldn't even be used to make a coat or something. (Bryan Semrow)

The sun rose over the horizon like a great big radioactive baby's head with a bad sunburn, but then again it might just have been that Lisa was always cranky this early in the morning. (Debra Allen)

Jane was toast, and not the light buttery kind, nay, she was the kind that's been charred and blackened in the bottom of the toaster and has to be thrown a away because no matter how much of the burnt part you scrape off with a knife, there's always more blackened toast beneath, the kind that not even starving birds in winter will eat, that kind of toast. (Beth Knutson)

As Fiona slowly drew the heavy velvet curtain aside, her eyes smoldered black, deep, and dark as inside the lungs of a coal miner, although it would be black in anyone's lungs if you could get in there because there wouldn't be any light, even in the pink ones of people who don't smoke. (Lou A. Waller)

Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D". (John Kammer)

We are all like those little pink and blue plastic people in the game of Life. (Meghann Olson)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.(Paul Kocak)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross)

Just like (or as) a bicycle rider lifts his butt from the seat when he sees a bump coming, so Bob pulled back, emotionally, when Alice got angry. (Jim Caughran)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland)

After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart)

The moon looked like a discarded toenail clipping submersed in a puddle of saliva on a black formica countertop. (Lindsay Robertson)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer)

She was sending me mixed signals like a dyslexic third-base coach. (Jack Bross)

She felt used and unwanted, like the two chocolate halves of an Oreo cookie after someone has already licked the cream out of them. (Kristi Herd)

My underwear stuck to my backside like an All-Pro cornerback to a rookie wide receiver as I browsed through the seed catalog that had mistakenly found its way into my mailbox. (Ron Calabrese)

Chicken: it's like a cow, but different. (Ben Olson)

His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl)

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master. (unknown)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (unknown)

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (unknown)

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef. (unknown)

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up. (unknown)

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever. (unknown)

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM. (unknown)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. (unknown)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (unknown)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (unknown)

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river. (unknown)

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. (unknown)

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (unknown)

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. (unknown)

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (unknown)

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. (unknown)

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something. (unknown)

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. (unknown)

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools. (unknown)

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (unknown)

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword. (unknown)

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. (unknown)

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. (unknown)

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening. (unknown)

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. (unknown)

Laws of parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

The ten commandments of marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists

Yes, they're all true as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff.

1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?

2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh."

4. Are the bears with collars tame?

5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?

9. Are there birds in Canada?

10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

16. How far is Banff from Canada?

17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?

19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?

21. Are there phones in Banff?

22. So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles?

23. We're on the decibel system you know.

24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

25. Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?

26. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom."
Tourist: "Oh!"

27. Where do you put the animals at night?

Funny Yet True Fortune Cookie Blunders

Be thankful the next time you open up a fortune cookie that doesn?t have a fortune as strange as these:

Confucius say you have heart as big as Texas.

You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.

Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight never misses an appointment.

You will gain admiration from your pears.

You will receive a fortune cookie.

Never wear your best pants when you go to fight for freedom.

A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.

You love Chinese food.

Someone will invite you to a Karaoke party.

Don't behave with cold manners.

Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.

Don't forget you are always on our minds.

What you left behind is more mellow than wine.

There is no mistake so great as that of being always right.

Never forget a friend. Especially if he owes you.

A tub and a rub will change your day.

THAT WASN'T CHICKEN.

Suppose you can get what you want.

If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you know it, eat a monkey.

It's about time I got out of that cookie.

The greatest danger could be your stupidity.

Eat your vegetable and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.

To lower your stress level, get a cat.

Your present plants are going to succeed.

A nice cake is waiting for you.

Taxi driver in New york

There is this taxi driver in New York City, and it is nearing the end of his shift but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night. So he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab.

Now, the nun is getting very upset by this and says, "Um...can I help you??!!"

The taxi driver looks very embarrassed and says, "I'm sorry, its very embarrassing, I cannot say."

And the nun looks at him and says, "Now, my son, I have been in this business far too long to be disturbed by anything you have to say, so go ahead."

The driver thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, well, for as long as I can remember, I have had the biggest fantasy about kissing a nun."

She looks amused at first then replies, "Well, I think I can help you with that! but first you must promise me two things, the first is that you are a Catholic, the second is that you are single. If you can promise this, I shall give you what you ask for."

And the driver says, "Great!! Sure I'm a single Catholic!!"

So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss. Porn stars would be envious of this kiss. And they finish up and get back on the road.

Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again. Just staring at her, and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says, "Well, I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. You see, I'm not a catholic, and I'm also married."

The nun smiles and says, "Well, I haven't been honest with you either...My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Things to think about

-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

-It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.

-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

-Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

-Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

-Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

-It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.

-On the other hand, you have different fingers.

-Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

- Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

- Common Sense Isn't.

- Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.

- It may be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others.

- A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.

- War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Fortune Cookies

• Try a new system or different approach.
• How you look depends on where you go.
• He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
• You will be called to fill a position of high honor and responsibility.
• There is yet time enough for you to take a different path.
• You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
• You will travel far and wide, for both pleasure and business.
• Follow a hunch about improving your position.
• A vacation by the sea is in store for you soon.
• To see others, you must only watch; to see yourself, you must look.
• You are interested in public service and would make an outstanding statesman.
• You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
• You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
• Your energy is at a peak. Channel it into fun activities.
• Now is a good time to start something new.
• You are bright. So give out that light!
• Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
• Finding exotic uses for what others ignore will make your special fortune.
• Someone thinks you are very special and lets you know it.
• Share excitement with your best friends as you all run away for the weekend.
• You have many personal talents that are attractive to others.
• The most important things in life are not things.
• An aura of glamour and mystery surrounds your events of the week.
• Your pet project gains seal of approval from an influential friend.
• An important visitor will vow complete support.
• You will receive credit long overdue.
• Love will come looking for you.
• Anyone who makes a blanket statement is a fool.
• Happiness and good fortune will come to you soon.
• You have the ability to make lifelong friends.
• Live each day to the fullest.
• You have an optimistic outlook on life, for very good reason.
• Cooperate with those who have both know-how and money.
• Any active moves you make tomorrow will succeed.
• The path to enlightenment requires open eyes and willing feet.
• Remain resolute and unwavering toward your goals.
• Helping others can become a satisfying way of life.
• Your Yin and your Yang are in harmony.
• Wise men learn much from fools.
• Prayers are always answered eventually.
• Your future will be easier to digest than this cookie.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• The sooner you get behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• The only constant since the beginning of time is change.
• Those who speak loudest always have the least to say.
• Time exists solely to prevent everything from happening at once.
• Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
• Malice is stupidity raised to a higher power.
• Put off procrastinating till a later time.
• It's easier to curse a candle than to light the darkness.
• Moderation in all things should be practiced sparingly.
• People who spout platitudes have attitudes that allow no latitude.
• You will be unusually successful in business.
• You are generous, affectionate and impulsive.
• Keep your schedule flexible to handle the unexpected.
• You should be able to undertake and complete anything.
• Pray for what you want, but work for the things you need.
• Good health is a man's best wealth.
• You will step on the soil of many countries.
• You are entering a time of great promise and overdue rewards.
• You will soon gain something you have always wanted.
• Avert misunderstandings by calm, poise and balance.
• You need not worry about your future.
• You will be showered with good luck.
• If you can shape it in your mind, you will find it in your life.
• You have creative power to achieve your aim.
• You will succeed, but wait for the opportune moment.
• The physician heals; nature makes well.
• Try to clear up differences with associates.
• You will soon be holding the lucky number.
• You will make a change for the better.
• Sell your ideas - they are totally acceptable.
• There is no way of judging the future but by the past.
• You will be singled out for promotion.
• Adopt a confident, positive attitude and others will climb on your bandwagon.
• The coming month shall bring winds of change in your life.
• A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
• You have a natural grace and great consideration for others.
• You will witness a special ceremony.
• Confucius say: Angel with wings not so hot as angel with arms.
• A short trip is favored at this time.
• You will be offered a high executive position with an attractive salary.
• You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.
• You are deeply attached to your family and home.
• Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
• You are faithful in the execution of any public trust.
• Whatever your desires are, for the present decline them.
• You long to see the great pyramids in Egypt.
• You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
• You will be an honored guest at a pleasant social occasion.
• You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
• Confucius say: make sure words touch wisdom tooth on way out of mouth.
• Your business superiors have you in mind for a promotion.
• Add to your understanding of foreign art and culture.
• An emptiness soon will be filled.
• You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you.
• Too much confidence has deceived many a one.
• Your partner will be proud of you.
• You should be pleased with answers you are given now.
• Good news will come to you from far away.
• Good news will come to you from close at hand.
• You are heading for a land of sunshine.
• You will soon have an opportunity to make a change to your advantage.
• The color red will be important to you.
• You will receive a favor or kindness from someone.
• It is good to be neither high nor low. Come easy, go easy.
• Don't let doubt and suspicion bar your progress.
• Consolidate rather than expand business projects in the near future.
• You can breeze through most of the day.
• You will pass a difficult test that will make you happier.
• Blue eyes shall bring happiness as deep as the seas.
• Answer just what your heart prompts you.
• You can solve your problem if you exert yourself.
• Be tactful; overlook not your own opportunity.
• Children could contribute to your cheerfulness.
• Your genuine talent will find its way to success.
• He asks advice in vain who will not follow it.
• Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress.
• You will dance to a different beat next summer.
• Be the first to try something new.
• A woman who seeks to be equal to men lacks ambition.
• Idleness is the holiday of fools.
• A beautiful woman is a paradise to the eyes and a curse to the purse.
• You will visit some faraway land that has long been in your waking thoughts.
• Deception in romance will prove costly.
• Things just get curiouser and curiouser.
• Have you had your reality check today? Don't worry, it's in the mail.
• Happiness isn't all it's cracked up to be.
• Nothing is better than happiness, but a ham sandwich is better than nothing.
• Love will come looking for you, with an angry spouse.
• Reality will be less painful than usual today.
• Reality is the leading cause of stress, for those in touch with it.
• Life to you is a series of dashing and adventurous crises.
• Any problem in your home can be fixed, except that leaking faucet.
• Cooperate with those who have both know-how and bail money.
• Any active moves you make tomorrow will backfire, so stay home.
• The path to enlightenment requires a flashlight with fresh batteries.
• The secret of life is...I can't tell you. It's a secret.
• Remain resolute and unwavering when shirking your duty.
• Somewhere is lurking a hailstone that has your name on it.
• Your emotional ties aren't color coordinated with your suits.
• Threatening forces oppose your move to Cleveland.
• A libertarian, immoral society is enticing you to excesses. Enjoy.
• Your Yin and your Yang are no longer on speaking terms.
• If at first you don't exceed, try, try again.
• To err is human, to forgive is unlikely.
• It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it.
• If justice rules the universe, we are all in trouble.
• There ain't no such thing as a free lunch, unless you own the restaurant.
• Wise men learn much from fools. Wise guys don't.
• You will live in interesting times and, if lucky, survive them.
• Prayers are always answered. The answer is usually no.
• The race is not always to the swift, but that's the way to bet.
• The best revenge is not living well. The best revenge is revenge.
• A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.
• Someday your ship will come in, but you'll be at the airport.
• A bird in the hand can be messy.