Hilarious Quotes

·        It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a
warning to others.

·        I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.

·        At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

·        What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

·        The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. 

    Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who
first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

·        My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days have September" because it actually tells you something.

·        Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. 

·        Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

·        Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

·        We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

·        I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

·        My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

·        Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

·        Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

·        Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

·        If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

·        This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it
was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

·        If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

·        Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

·        If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

·        Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

·        This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

·        My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Questions & Answers ABOUT MAN'S

·        Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?

·        Because men refuse to ask for directions!

·        What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

·        Through his chest with a sharp knife. 

·        When is a man as smart as a woman ?

·        When he is plugged in to one. 

·        Why did the man cross the road? 

·        Because there were no women on his side.

·        Why are men like blenders? 

·        You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 

·        WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?

·        YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS! 

·        WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ? 

·        THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE ! 

·        How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

·        None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark. 

·        How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

·        Who knows; they never get the house 

·        What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common? 

·        There both empty from the neck up. 

·        why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? 

·        he wasn't concentrating 

·        Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?

·        Because God made man the perfect asshole. 

·        What do men and linoleum have in common? 

·        Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life. 

·        What do men and microwaves have in common? 

·        They're both done in 30 seconds. 

·        What's a man's idea of foreplay? 

·        A half hour of begging 

·        How can you tell if a man is well hung? 

·        If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!! 

·        How do you get a man to do sit-ups? 

·        Put the remote control between his feet. 

·        What did the elephant say to the naked man? 

·        It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts? 

·        What's the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man? 

·        Bigfoot has been sighted! 

·        Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners? 

·        So men can understand them. 

·        What is the difference between government bonds and men? 

·        Government bonds mature. 

·        What's a man's idea of helping with house work? 

·        lifting his legs so you can vacuum. 

·        What's the difference between man and E.T.? 

·        E.T. phoned home. 

·        What did God say when he created man? 

·        "I can do better than this". 

·        How do men define a 50/50 relationship? 

·        They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle

·        How do men exercise at the beach? 

·        Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in. 

·        What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be? 

·        A hot dog and a 6 pack. 

·        Why are men like noodles? 

·        they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough. 

·        Why is it good that there are female astronauts? 

·        because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.

 HELPFUL TIPS TO MAKE LIFE SIMPLE

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

RULES OF THE ROAD

* If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current state of the light.

* The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.

* If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.

* Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.

* While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

* Every lane is the suicide lane.

* Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your parked car.

* If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of painted lines.

* For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest!

* To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are suffering from (or past) your midlife crisis.

* If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.

* If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Toward the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the late news.

* Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

* If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!

* Take full advantage of your right to U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.

* In case of rain, pull over immediately! You cannot drive in any sort of precipitation.

* While driving uphill, do not downshift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

* On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.

SOME SMART LAWS

Rhode's Corollary To Hoare's Law: Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free.

Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from the floor-especially in the dark.

Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.

Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.

Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer.

Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

RULES OF THE ROAD

If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current state of the light.

* The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.

* If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.

* Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.

* While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

* Every lane is the suicide lane.

* Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your parked car.

* If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of painted lines.

* For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest!

* To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are suffering from (or past) your midlife crisis.

* If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.

* If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Toward the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the late news.

* Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

* If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!

* Take full advantage of your right to U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.

* In case of rain, pull over immediately! You cannot drive in any sort of precipitation.

* While driving uphill, do not downshift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

* On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.

5 Things to Give Up to Be Happy

When we think about how to create more happiness, we typically look for things to achieve and add to our lives. However, sometimes the key to happiness is actually giving up certain perspectives and behaviors. Here are a few things to give up in order to become happier individuals.

1.      Give up the habit of blaming. Blame is a scapegoat for taking responsibility of your own outcome. It is a lot easier to point the finger at someone or something else instead of looking within. Blame is not constructive. It does not help you or the other person -- nobody wins in the blame game. The amount of energy and stress it takes to blame just takes away from you moving forward and finding a solution.

2.      Give up your need to impress. When you accept who you are, and you embrace your quirks, flaws, strengths and vulnerability, you get a lot more comfortable in your own skin. And when you're confident, you stop caring so much about what everyone thinks of you. You stop worrying if someone will like you or not, because deep down you know that the people who falsely judge you don't matter in your life.

3.      Give up being a victim. The perspective that you are just the result of all external variables deflects responsibility for taking control over your own life. It is unfortunate that sometimes bad things happen to the best of people. Life can be unfair, unkind and unjust. However, being stuck in a victim mentality does not nurture your ability to move forward and onward.

4.      Give up feeling entitled. Nobody owes you anything. Nobody. When you approach life with the perspective that you are owed things, it's likely that you will find yourself disappointed time and time again. When you are grateful for what you have, and see positive things as bonuses versus owed expectations, you will be surprisingly pleased.

5.      Give up pretending. In a society where we are rewarded for perfection, we are constantly role playing. We try to show the world that we are flawless human beings in hopes that we will be liked and accepted. But the beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our love, our deep, complex emotions... our humanness. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic instead of perfect, we open ourselves up to have true connection with others. There is no need to put on a show. There is no need to pretend to be something or someone that you are not. You are perfect the way you are.

SOMETHING FOR VALENTINE’S DAY

LOVE WINS EVERYTHING

'I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.' Dorothy Parker

'Women are cursed, and men are the proof.' Rosanne Barr

'Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.'  Mae West

'Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.' Mickey Rooney

'My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.'Rita Rudner

'The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.' Ann Landers

'I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.' Barbara Bush

'Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.' Groucho Marx

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.Thomas Szasz

If you are in love, and wish to send you own Valentine's Day quotes, either use these or else modify them for your own true love.

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed. J. Krishnamurti

All you need is love. John Lennon

Love sought is good, but giv'n unsought is better. William Shakespeare in Twelfth Night (Act III, Scene I)

One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved. Romain Rolland

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.Lynda Barry

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. Thomas Robert Dewar

A heart that loves is always young. Greek Proverb

But I have seen theeAnd thou art enough. G. Moore 

Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me. Sarah Bernhardt 

Friendship is one mind in two bodies. Mencius

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.Winnie the Pooh

There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved. George Sand

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control.

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. Pascal

The risk it takes to remain tight inside the bud is more painful than the risk it takes to blossom.Anais Nin

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. Barbara DeAngelis

Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle. Crystal Middlemas

Greater Love has no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends. Jesus

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. Eden Ahbez

It's not that I can't live without you...it's just that I don't even want to try.It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.' Alfred, Lord Tennyson

True love begins when nothing is looked for in return. Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Love, you know, seeks to make happy rather than to be happy. Ralph Connor

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost. Charles Caleb Colton

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere. Tim McGraw

Hold a true friend with both your hands. Nigerian Proverb

My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life. Lee Iacocca

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Anon

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say. Anon

If you walk in front of me, I may not follow.
If you walk behind me, I may not lead.
If you walk beside me, I will be your friend. Albert Camus

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
Mark Twain

Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are. Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; A woman loses hers after four kisses. H.L. Mencken

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point.  That's basic spelling that every woman tought to know. Mistinguette

Don't wait for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without.Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road. Kelly Elaine

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. Sophocles

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.  David Bissonnette

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.  If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.  Henny Youngman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.  Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?  Anonymous

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?  Lily Tomlin

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. John Barrymore

Absence: that common cure of love.

Miguel De Cervantes