BEFORE I GO TO WORK TOMORROW SOME BUSSINES JOKES

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF ...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

You order your business cards in " half orders " instead of whole boxes

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

You get really excited about a 2 % pay raise

You learn about your layoff on CNN

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive

It's dark when you drive to and from work

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else

Communication is something your group is having problems with

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital

Art involves a white board

You're already late on the assignment you just got

You work 2 0 0 hours for the $ 1 0 0 bonus check and jubilantly say " Oh wow, thanks!

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read only by your co-workers

Your boss' favorite lines are, " When you get a few minutes " or " When you're freed up "

Your boss' second favorite lines are, "... this isn't exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed.

Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January

Your relatives and family describe your job as " works with computers "

Change is the norm

The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

You read this entire list and understood it.

The Vacuum Cleaner CEO

The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself.

He pulled up to an old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $ 2, 0 0 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $ 7 0 0 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.

" Good morning, said the well-dressed and impeccably groomed CEO. " If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

" Get lost, Mister fancy suit! said the old man. " I haven't got any money " and he proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.

" Don't be too hasty! he said. " Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.

The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the CEO emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.

" If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder. I am the CEO! You have my GUARANTEE!

" I got a better idea " said the old man, " If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls. Your nice suit, your tie, your shoes, everything!

" Fine, sir! said the CEO confidently. " I'll give you my clothes!

" Lemme ask you somethin', pal... Where are you goin' when you leave here?

The CEO answered very confidently : " To a VERY important conference! WHY?

" Will they let you in if yer barefoot? said the old man.

" Of course not! said the CEO.

" How much did you pay for those socks you'v got on? asked the old man.

" Fifty dollars " said the bewildered CEO.

" I ain't never worn fifty dollar socks before! said the old man. " It will be kinda hard for you to wear overalls to work, I guess! said the old man.

" WHAT?! said the confused CEO.

" And will you show how me to tie a necktie? said the old man...

One hour later, the door of the apartment opened, and the CEO carefully looked out. Seeing that no one was around, his foot appeared.

A bare foot.

He stepped out into the hallway - dressed only in overalls and bare feet. His expensive executive suit and tie had vanished, along with his confidence and dignity.

The old man watched him run away to his car with a grin, admiring the expensive pinstriped suit and silk tie he had just acquired. He then sat down and pulled on the CEO's fifty dollar socks and gleaming shoes.

" Now I gotta see about payin' that electric bill...

The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition
# 1 Once you have their money... never give it back.
# 3 Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
# 6 Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
# 7 Keep your ears open.
# 8 Small print leads to large risk.
# 9 Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
# 1 0 Greed is eternal.
# 1 3 Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
# 1 6 A deal is a deal... until a better one comes along.
# 1 8 A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
# 1 9 Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
# 2 1 Never place friendship above profit.
# 2 2 A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
# 2 7 There's nothing more dangerous than an honest business man.
# 3 1 Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother... insult something he cares about instead.
# 3 3 It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
# 3 4 Peace is good for business.
# 3 5 War is good for business.
# 4 0 She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.
# 4 1 Profit is it's own reward.
# 4 4 Never confuse luck with wisdom.
# 4 7 Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
# 4 8 The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
# 5 2 Never ask when you can take.
# 5 7 Good customers are as rare as latinum - treasure them.
# 5 8 There is no substitute for success.
# 5 9 Free advice is seldom cheap.
# 6 0 Keep your lies consistent.
# 6 2 The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
# 6 5 Win or lose, there's always Huyperian beetle snuff.
# 7 5 Home is where the heart is... but the stars are made of latinum.
# 7 6 Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.
# 7 9 Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
# 8 2 The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
# 8 5 Never let the competition know what your thinking.
# 8 9 Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what...

Texas Salesman

 

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

" Have you ever been a salesman before? the boss asked during his interview.

" Yes, I was a salesman in Texas, the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. " I'll come and see how you made out after we close up, the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. " How many sales did you make today? the boss asked.

" One, said the lad.

" One? said the boss, obviously displeased. " Most of the sales people on my staff make 2 0 or 3 0 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?

" Exactly $ 1 0 1, 3 4. 3, said the young man.

" How did you manage that? asked the boss, flabbergasted.

" Well, said the lad, " this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 2 2 - foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1 - ton pickup truck.

" You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook? the boss asked in astonishment.

" He didn't come in to buy a fish hook, the Texas boy explained. " He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, ' Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing. "

How to sell everything

One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by making them feel they needed the items. " Watch this, he said and approached a man who has just entered the store. " May I help you, sir?

The man replied, " I just moved into my first house and I need some fertiliser for my lawn.

So the supervisor said, " Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertiliser. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag.

" Why is that?

" The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag won't, the supervisor answered.

" Fine, the man agreed, " I'll take the ten-pounder. " Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?

" Rake? What do I need that for?

" Well sir, said the supervisor authoritatively, " if you don't rake up the old dead grass before you spread the fertiliser, it won't all reach the soil.

" All right then. I'll get the stiff rake.

" Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or the oscillating sprinkler with that?

The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, " Sprinkler? Look, I just came in here for some fertiliser. What do I need a sprinkler for? Calmly, the supervisor responded, " Well sir, if you water your lawn immediately after fertilising, the fertiliser will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all, you'll have the greenest lawn in your neighbourhood.

This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler. " OK, then. I'll take all this.

" Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that, asked the supervisor.

Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the supervisor. " LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertiliser. You've already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!

Calm as ever, the supervisor said, " Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then you'll be all ready to start trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and you'll be the envy of all your neighbours! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and you're going to need it either way.

Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there before he bought anything else so at last he relented. " Fine. I'll get the electric mower, but that's it!

" Very good sir. I'll ring that up for you.

After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor turned to the trainee and said, " So, do you think you could do that? The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor directed him towards another customer.

The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, " May I help you sir?

The man replied, " Yes. I need some tampons for my wife. Well, the trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He can't imagine what he could offer the man to go along with that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he had it! " Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?

" Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here looking for tampons. Why the hell should I get a lawnmower, too?

" Well sir, the trainee answered, " I figure your weekend is shot, so you might as well cut the grass.

Getting Out of Work

I won't be coming to work today because :
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

1. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.
3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
4. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen's.
5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
8. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian

Go to Work Naked?

1. Your boss is always yelling, " I wanna see your ass in here by 8 : 0 0!

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

4. " I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add " Exotic Dancer " to your exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

1 0. Gives " bad hair day " a whole new meaning.

1 1. No one steals your chair anymore

Government Workers

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, " T-square, do your stuff!. T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, " Slide Rule, do your stuff!. Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, " Measure, do your stuff!. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 1 0 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, " What can your dog do?. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, " Coffee Break, do your stuff!. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

I Love My Job

I love my Job
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work : I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
in lovely white coats to take me away

Battles on the sea

The following is supposedly a true story relating to a United States shipping company.

THE U.S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place.

Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon.

It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.

China blames America

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision!

Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,” Fully responsible" for today’s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane.

Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.

A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed "Panda Rash", told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet.

"I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight." said the pilot "He could not shake the American foreign-devil" The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.

Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp " Fully responsible for the incident" repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident.

China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.

Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.

"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant" Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying.

Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.

Military work rules

1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.

2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.

4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

8. The senior officer is Always Right.

9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.

Valid identification

DURING a readiness exercise, my friend Jim and I, Air Force security policemen, were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircrafts were kept.

When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, Jim asked him for it.

"I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane."

"Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied Jim, "but it's sitting in my garage!"

Chinese plane crash

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

In a heroic dogfight, fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, a 60s era American-built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passengers/observers aboard chewed up one of China's best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft.

The Americans utilizing the infrequently seen combat tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by relying solely on auto pilot, engaged the unfortunate single seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only one of its four formidable rotating air mass propeller weapons system.

After the action, the crew and passengers/observers dropped in on China's Hainan Island Resort for some much-deserved R&R as guests of the Chinese government.

Murphy's Combat Laws

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!

The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

Murphy's Law
The Army Weather Corollaries

Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.

A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.

The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.

There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.

There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.

Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.

Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.

Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?

The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.

Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.

The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.

The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.

If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

Rules of the Rucksack

1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.

2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.

3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.

4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Phillip's Law:

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Weatherwax's Postulate:

The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.

Least Credible Sentences:

1. The check is in the mail.

2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.

3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.

4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

Brintnall's Second Law:

If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:

1. Refute the last established recommendation.

2. Add yours.

3. Pass the paper on.

Oliver's Law:

Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Lackland's Laws:

1. Never be first.

2. Never be last.

3. Never volunteer for anything.

Rune's Rule:

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):

You get the most of what you need the least.

Hane's Law:

There is no limit to how bad things can get.

The Importance Of Correct Punctuation

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let
me be yours?

Gloria

----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no
feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you
let me be?

Yours,
Gloria

Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...

INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget
some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of
your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will
receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:
* 0.5 Miss Worlds,
* 2.5 supermodels,
* 463 wild ny*phos,
* 3,234 good-looking ny*phos,
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple org*sms,
* and 40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and
tastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, your
original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his
friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent
her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial
expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since
he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to
whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has
already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from
exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No
expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only
interest women) just so that you can bonk her.

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like
marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can
prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

Frivolous Old Gal



I have become a little older since I last saw you and a few changes have come
into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five
gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he
takes a lot of time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and
stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he
takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and
glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with
Al Zymer.

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I
should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, Oh, I do all the time.
No matter where I am: in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the
bas*ment, I ask myself, now what am I hereafter?

THE IRS LETTER...

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 2012 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amus*ment, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!). Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of nests in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the USD395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Sincerly,

**********************************

ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: ADAM
ATOMIC MASS:
Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.
OCCURRENCE:
Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come
into contact with each other.

**********************************

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I
have a problem!

What's the problem, Eve?

Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.

Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.

Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.

Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you.

What's a 'man', Lord?

This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger
and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.

Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

What's that, Lord?

You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

*************************

The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? sw*llow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six gutbombers
- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a
bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the
way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken
three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.


Tuesday

Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety
five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat
whatever comes out sw*llowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.


Wednesday

Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at
El Flasho's
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for
scr*ps


Thursday

Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
sack forleftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.


Friday

Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muf*in at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.


Saturday

Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.


Sunday

Breakfast - Three blood Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room.

 Bits & Pieces

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I saw something fly past wearing rosary beads earlier. "That must be a bird of pray", I thought.

My wife called me the other day. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

I''ve just bought a forklift at an auction. It's amazing what you can pick up nowadays.

My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42. She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!" I said, "I am if you think about it."

How do you confuse a moron? Seven.

I was saying to a stranger in the bar last night, "My grandfather will be 104 tomorrow." "Wow, that's amazing. What's his secret?" "He was born a long time ago."

Although I'm a lover of Bruce Willis's acting, I wouldn't say I was a die hard fan.

Rick Astley gave a lot of stuff up for Lent, but not you.

I used to get strange looks for trying to use my phone on the bus. But then again, it was 1972.

Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicking over who's going to be next.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

I've recently joined PAULA. People Against the Use of Incorrect Acronyms.

I went to Home Depot to look at a power washer. But I can't deal with these high-pressure salesmen.

Some stores call them "self checkouts". Some people call them "I'm not paying for some of this."

I proposed my idea of a new efficient internet web browser to the bosses at Apple today. It went rather well I thought, raised a few iBrowse.

Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

She's not a bad looking woman. She just looks like one.

My new girlfriend is an architect. Boy, does she know how to make an entrance!

Prisoners with a stutter should be forced to do slightly longer sentences.

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

I was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector. I had to turn it down.

Ironically all the hemorrhoid books at the local library are stacked in piles.

If you ate yourself, would you be twice as big or disappear completely?

I don't get creationists. They can't grasp the concept of an ape like creature evolving into a man, yet they have no problem with a rib turning into a woman.

Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds. Luckily I wrote this in sex.

I bought some baby potatoes earlier. He just looked at them and dribbled.

I wanted to be the best sniper in the world, but failed. I think I set my sights too high.

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. When a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. When she's menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye.

I caused an uproar earlier when I put a lion in a hot air balloon.

There are two types of people in this world, those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

I hate condescending people. But I wouldn't expect you to understand.

They say there's more chance of dying on the way to buy the lottery tickets, than actually winning. That's why I always send my wife to buy the tickets.

A woman asks her computer programmer husband to go shopping. "Could you go to the store and get bread, and if they have eggs, get six". The husband returns with six loaves of bread. The wife, flabbergasted, asks, "Why the hell did you buy six loaves of bread?" The husband replies "Because they had eggs!"

30% of all internet traffic is porn, according to the New England Journal of Underestimating Things.

That's the last time I buy a homing pigeon. The darn thing refuses to leave the house.

Laser eye surgery, what a waste of money. Two weeks and not a single laser fired from either of my eyes.

I thought I saw a guy wearing camouflage. I didn't.

I'm convinced the new girl I'm seeing is a transvestite. I can feel it.

My friend asked me last night if I liked hanging from the ceiling, spinning round. I replied, "I'm not a fan."

Life's too short to be telling people how short life is.

I went to the doctor today and he asked if I'd be comfortable if he examined me in the nude. I said, "I'd rather you didn't" and looked at him with disgust. As he started to button his trousers back up.

Keep an eye out for the Fukishima based tennis player at Wimbledon this year. His forehands are amazing.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Burger King. I said,"Have it your way."

I was just reminiscing with my friends about when we all went to the clock museum. Good times!

Just came in first place from a field of 17 million in an Exaggeration Contest!

I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow. "Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?" "Sticks?" I presume.

My horse was neck and neck with the winner for a while at the Derby yesterday. Then the race started.

When a family member unexpectedly dies, what's the acceptable mourning period before removing their stick figure from the back of the minivan?

I like my women to be like my garden hose. Cheap and kinky.

I took my granddaughter for a ride on the carousel today. The staff at the airport weren't very happy about it.

I'm not arrogant, I'm too good to be arrogant.

I shouldn't question everything... should I?

Condoms should be used in all conceivable occasions.

Those different colored contact lenses look ridiculous, in my eyes.

The inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96. Have they tried turning his batteries round and smacking him against the coffee table?

I was talking to a navy seal earlier. I couldn't understand why it was that color.

I bought my obsessive/compulsive wife a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. She's going nuts trying to hang it straight.

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

My wife's leaving me because because because because becaaaauuuuuse she thinks I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

Bulimia: Twice the taste, with none of the calories.

Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

I asked a girl out on a date the other day but she said she'd rather stay in and play her flute to a snake. Charming.

Don't order Siamese cats on the internet. They just send you one cat, and it doesn't even have two heads.

Jesus drove a Honda. He just didn't like to talk about it. Proof: John 12:49 'For I did not speak of my own Accord'.

Apparently blind people think we discriminate against them for reading in braille. I'm sorry they feel that way.

I'm more confused than a circular pizza in a square box, cut into triangular slices.

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now.

A bus is a vehicle that goes twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Broken glass tastes just like blood.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Every 40 seconds, someone commits suicide. Say what you will about those depressed types, but they sure are punctual.

I swear I have Tourette's.

If Steve Jobs hadn't died, he would still be alive today.

I've just got off the phone with the wife. She had a lovely talk.

Beginners guides? Don't get me started on those.

I've signed up as a conductor for 3 different orchestras. I've got more musicians than you could shake a stick at.

Wearing sandals with socks is similar to wearing a condom. You have almost no chance of getting a girl pregnant.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

When chemists die, they barium.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

At night I always put a sparkler on top of my grandma's mobility scooter then in the mornings, just before she sets off shopping, I light it when she's not looking. She looks like she has stolen a dodgem car when she's driving through Walmart.

They say a dog is a man's best friend. But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a dump on my carpet.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

If you can only go left or right, and you know that left isn't right, then by a process of elimination, right must be right because it's the only way left.

My mother-in-law gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday today. I couldn't find the words to thank her.

Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

Just heard some early news from the Olympics. It seems that, following a record-breaking practice session, the North Korean Pole Vault Champion has just become the South Korean Pole Vault Champion.

Everything Has A Gender

Did you know?

 

Apples are Female - the best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for them as they're afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Wine is Male - it begins as a grape, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of it until it turns into something acceptable to have dinner with. 

Ziploc Bags are Male - they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female - once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male - it goes bald and it is often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male - to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it (of course, there's the hot air part, too).

Sponges are Female - they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female - it is always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male - it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female - over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male - it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it is handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

A Water Faucet is Female - it can turn hot or cold in just a matter of moments.

A Safety Pin is Male - it is often useful in an emergency.

A Foreign Movie is Female - it is not always completely understood.

A Computer is Female - even your smallest mistakes are stored in memory.

Road Trip!

Women vs. Men

 

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

Opens window, asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

Arrives at destination presently.


HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right, then drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.

Pulls up to a 7-11.

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer, curses the night and curses you.

Curses the large slurpee.

Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister, ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary. Finally found a dictionary, couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all.

But she is laughing inside.

Of course, you're still lost.

FEW DAYS AWAY DUE TO FLU, BACK ONLINE AGAIN

INTERESTING TRUE FACTS

Fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.

Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never wear underwear.

Superman is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld", either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

85% of the men that die while having sex are cheating on their wives.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80

Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50

Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58

Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches

Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90

Percentage of mammal species that are monogamous: 3

Chances that a burglary in the United States will be solved: 1 in 7

One third of the land in the United States is owned by the government.

The hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards.

Between 1942 and 1944, Academy Awards were made of plaster.

John Madden is an accomplished ballroom dancer.

In 21 states, Wal-Mart is the single largest employer.

Jim Gordon, drummer of Derek and the Dominos ("Layla"), killed his mother with a claw hammer.

One of Hewlett Packard's first ideas was an automatic urinal flusher.

Eric Clapton did not play the very famous first riff on the song "Layla". That was Duane Allman. Clapton comes in later.

There are more cars in Southern California than there are cows in India.

The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows.

The province of Alberta, Canada is completely free of rats.

Illinois has the most personalized license plates of any state.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

Fleas can jump 130 times higher than their own height. In human terms this is equal to a 6 foot person jumping 780 feet into the air.

Snakes are true carnivores as they eat nothing but other animals. They do not eat any type of plant material.

There are no venomous snakes in Maine.

The blue whale can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. This is the loudest sound produced by a living animal and has been detected as far away as 530 miles.

Erosion at the base of Niagara Falls (USA) undermines the shale cliffs and as a result, the falls have receded approximately 7 miles over the last 10,000 years.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

North Dakota has never had an earthquake.

Alexander Graham Bell (who invented the telephone) also set a world water-speed record of over seventy miles an hour at the age of 72.

There is enough fuel in a full tank of a jumbo jet to drive an average car four times around the world.
 

 Hawaii Nis moving toward Japan 4 inches every year.

Chimps are the only animals that can recognize themselves in a mirror.

The leg bones of a bat are so thin that no bat can walk.

If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

One person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In 2018, the month of February will not have a full moon.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

The dot that appears over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job (in case their pants split).

The Spanish word esposa means "wife." The plural, esposas, means "wives," but also "handcuffs."

If all Americans used one third less ice in their drinks the United States would become a net exporter instead of an importer of energy.

If the Nile River were stretched across the United States, it would run nearly from New York to Los Angeles.

San Francisco cable cars are the only National Monuments that move.

The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. Its concrete will not be fully cured for another 500 years.

Abraham Lincoln's dog, Fido, was assassinated too.

All of David Letterman's suits are custom made - there are no creases in his suit trousers.

Cranberry Jell-O is the only flavor that contains real fruit flavoring.

Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a  home run.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Richard Versalle, a tenor performing at New York's Metropolitan Opera House, suffered a heart attack and fell 10 feet from a ladder to the stage just after singing the line "You can only live so long."

If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people, 51% would be female, 49% male; 50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people, one person would be nearly dead, one nearly born.

In 1920, Babe Ruth out-homered every American League team.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

Toxic house plants poison more children than household chemicals.

The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.

The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.

The California Department of Motor Vehicles has issued six driver's licenses to six different people named Jesus Christ.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike each year than all the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

People in China and Japan die disproportionately on the 4th of each month because the words death and four sound alike, and they are represented by the same symbol.

Chicago is closer to Moscow than it is to Rio de Janeiro.

Dogs have two sets of teeth, just like humans. They first have 30 "puppy" teeth, then 42 adult teeth.

In 1950, President Harry Truman threw out the first ball twice at the opening day Washington DC baseball game; once right handed and once left handed.

A Swiss ski resort announced it would combat global warming by wrapping its mountain glaciers in aluminum foil to keep them from melting.

The chameleon has a tongue that is one and a half times the length of his body.

Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed.

There once was a town named "6" in West Virginia.

Ten years ago, only 500 people in China could ski. This year, an estimated 5,000,000 Chinese will visit ski resorts.

In 1920, Babe Ruth broke the single season home run record, with 29. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 30 home runs. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 40 home runs. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 50 home runs.

A Nigerian woman was caught entering the UK with 104 kg of snails in her baggage.

Profanity is typically cut from in-flight movies to make them suitable for general audiences. Fox Searchlight Pictures has substituted "Ashcroft" for "A**hole" in the movie Sideways when dubbed for Aerolineas Argentinas flights.

Author Hunter S. Thompson, who committed suicide recently, wanted to be cremated and his ashes to be shot out of a cannon on his ranch.
 

 Sports Illustratd magazine allows subscribers to opt out of receiving the famous swimsuit issue each year. Fewer than 1% choose this option.

There is a company that will (for $14,000) take your ashes, compress them into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewelry for a loved one.

The RIAA sued an 83 year old woman for downloading music illegally, even though a copy of her death certificate was sent to the RIAA a week before it filed the suit.

Two 1903 paintings recently sold at auction for $590,000 - the paintings were in the famous "Dogs Playing Poker" series.

Russian scientists have developed a new drug that prolongs drunkenness and enhances intoxication.

Romanian firefighters could not get their trucks close enough to a burning building, so they put out the fire by throwing snowballs at it.

A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT. Paul Allen, Bill's partner in Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600. Bill Cosby scored less than 500 combined.

Motorists traveling outside Salem, Oregon saw one of the "litter cleanup" signs crediting the American Nazi party. Marion County officials had no choice but to let that group into the adopt-a-road program. The $500 per sign was picked up by Oregon taxpayers. The Ku Klux Klan is also involved in the adopt-a-road program in the state of Arkansas.

Spam filters that catch the word "cialis" will not allow many work-related e-mails through because that word is embedded inside the word "specialist".

McDonald's restaurants will buy 54,000,000 pounds of fresh apples this year. Two years ago, McDonald's purchased 0 pounds of apples. This is attributed to the shift to more healthy menu options (the Apple Pie, which has been at McDonald's for years uses processed Apple Pie Filling).

The biggest dog on record was an Old English Mastiff that weighed 343 pounds. He was 8 feet, 3 inches from nose to tail.

Mailmen in Russia now carry revolvers after a recent decision by the government.

All of Queen Anne's 17 children died before she did.

There are over 87,000 Americans on waiting lists for organ transplants.

American made parts account for only 1% of the Chrysler Crossfire. 96% of the Ford F-150 Heritage Truck is American.

A Dutch court ruled that a bank robber could deduct the 2,000 Euros he paid for his pistol from the 6,600 Euros he has to return to the bank he robbed.

The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.

Last December, the House of Representatives earmarked $50,000,000 to create an indoor rain forest in Iowa.

Amusement park attendance goes up after a fatal accident. It seems many people want to ride upon the same ride that killed someone.

For every ton of fish that is caught in all the oceans on our planet, there are three tons of garbage dumped into the oceans.

June Foray did the voice for Rocky the Flying Squirrel and the Chatty Cathy dolls.

Japanese and Chinese people die on the fourth of the month more often than any other dates. The reason may be that they are "scared to death" by the number four. The words four and death sound alike in both Chinese and Japanese.

People with initials that spell out GOD or ACE are likely to live longer than people whose initials spell out words like APE, PIG, or RAT.

Albert Einstein Quotes

Quotes from a master thinker

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research.

Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity!

Why is it that nobody understands me, yet everybody likes me?

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius (and a lot of courage) to move in the opposite direction.

I'm no Einstein.

A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin - what else does a man need to be happy?

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.

One does not make wars less likely by formulating rules of warfare.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details.

If the facts don't fit the theory,change the facts.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I never worry about the future - it comes soon enough.

The only real valuable thing is intuition.

A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.

Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.

When a blind beetle crawls over the surface of a curved branch, it doesn’t notice that the track it has covered is indeed curved. I was lucky enough to notice what the beetle didn’t notice.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.

If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut.

I do not play games; there is no time for it. When I get through with work, I don’t want anything that requires the working of the mind.

With fame, I become more and more stupid - which of course is a very common phenomenon.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. As far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

An empty stomach is not a good political advisor.

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Marriage is but slavery - made to appear civilized.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal - not to people or objects.

Only the one who does not question is safe from making a mistake.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking.

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.

You see - wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: You send signals here, and they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

I have no special talents; I am only passionately curious.

It is abhorrent to me when a fine intelligence is paired with an unsavory character.

A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future.

Love brings much happiness, much more so than pining for someone brings pain.

Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics. I can assure you that mine are still greater.