MEDICAL JOKES TODAY

I have bad and very bad news

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Did you take the patient's temperature?

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

We need to help these people

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

I've got good and bad

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Did you ever have this before?

Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you've got it again!

My son swallowed the can opener

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

The bad and the worse news

A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

Man: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.

Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

My wife is beating me

David: My wife beats me, doctor.

Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

David: Every time we play Scrabble!

I'm gaining weight doctor

Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet.

Trish: Really? What color?

We are the best of friends

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

Does it hurt when you do this?

Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, don't do that.

What is your problem?

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

You're in great health

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Driving exams worry me

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.

Liz: I'm the examiner!

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.

Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Problems remembering

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?

A variation

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

Patient: What pills?

I would like to have a second opinion

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.

Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.

Patient: I wanna second opinion.

Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

Think I need a pair of glasses

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

Put me into a fighting mood

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

Get me an ambulence now

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

Get me an ambulence now

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

If

Lots to contemplate here

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn't a law, there will be.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 - it will.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

If things were left to chance, they would be better.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

If you are coasting, you're going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned.

If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman)

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

If you cannot fix it, feature it.

If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!

If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.

If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.

If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.

If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it.

If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but

If you really make them think they'll hate you.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.

If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you understand it, it is obsolete.

Huh?

What do these even mean?

He's as happy as a clamp.

You could have knocked me over with a fender.

That brings a tear to my thigh. 

He's as smooth as sandpaper. 

A genius is a genealogist's answer to the question 'Got a spare?'

Two wrongs don't make a right turn. 

It's raining like molasses in January.

I'm so hungry I could ride a horse.

I'd give my right arm to play guitar like that. 

He's no rocket surgeon.

You need to take the tollpike to get across the freeway. 

That's more fun than a barrel of pickles.

He and I went to different schools together.

Cross my legs and hope to die!

I like it when it stays light out until it gets dark.

If the cows are laying down, the fish aren't biting!

I have a lot of irons in the fire, but I'm holding them close to my chest.

That just opened Panda's box.

It is kisstomary to cuss the bride.

If you can't run with the big dogs, stay off the porch. 

You couldn't pay me to work on commission.

I could smell that with one nostril tied behind my back.

You hit the nail right on the nose.

The flies were dropping like a bat out of hell.

That guy would give you the arm off his back.

Go jump off a lake.

The gunman was believed to be armed.

I'm up to my ass in elbows.

I can lead you to horsewater, but I can't make you drink.

You play ball with me, and I'll scratch yours.

We're between a pickle and a hard spot.

It's half of one, six dozen of another.

You better get on the boat because the train is leaving the station! 

He's the cream of the corn.

There is no "I" in win.

There are too many cooks in the broth.

The short answer is 'Yes'. The long answer is 'No'.

Looks like I've spent the day chasing a wild herring!

He's as nervous as a long tailed cat out of the bag. 

We are the glue that keeps things moving.

Fits like a charm! Wait - fits like a shoe?

I'm going through paper like it grows on trees.

It just like stealing teeth from a baby.

He's hotter than a cracker.

I can tell you this, they are all sitting 2 inches higher in their seats, because they all just crapped their pants.

You're barking up a dead tree.

That's not his cup of cake.

Put yourself in my pants.

You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot because you might want to take a walk later.

Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.

I love being spontaneous. I just need a little warning.

We ought to make the pie higher.

I'm just talking out loud here. 

Golf is a game that is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Being in a hurry is a complete waste of time.

That guy smokes like a fish!

He's got one foot in the grave, and one on the ceiling. 

You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!

I wasn't rich like you guys. I didn't eat gold or have a flying pony.

After my C-section, the only thing I was allowed to drink was liquids.

All old people should be shot at birth.

He's as sharp as a new penny.

Don't ask "Can I?" - ask "I can!".

I know that area of town like the back of my head.

She's like the pot calling the kettle a frying pan.

She used enough scotch tape to feed a third world country.

That really burns my goat!

People are dying like pancakes here.

You shouldn't let people get under your goat.

I'm sweating like a bullet.

It's like six of one and two dozen of the other.

I hate to throw cold water on your bubble.

I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime.

That really raises the shackles on my neck.

I'm optimistic but my optimistics is on the other side of the teeter-totter.

We gotta get our soup and nuts together.

I'm trying to contain an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!

I used to be as sharp as a button.

That'll put the monkey in your court.

It was time to separate the wheat from the baby.

You're only smart on the outside.

I guess you're just AOL.

If we can't lead them with a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot.

Not everything that shines is baloney.

You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there.

Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof.

I'm running around like a chicken with his legs cut off.

It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell of it.

I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel.

We've got to dig our way out of this puppy.

Zero is better than nothing!

In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!

You're a minefield of information.

Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkey works.

You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket.

I can't do it in the spur of a hat.

That really burns my craw!

A two-prawn approach is necessary.

He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants.

You gotta walk with your pants on.

Can I pick your ear?

I don't want to shoot myself in the hip.

A little pain never hurt anyone.

Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?

I can't come in to work because I need to have an autopsy.

I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today.

You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck.

We don't want to screw ourselves in the foot.

I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse.

The ball is in his camp now.

We need to get our ducks in the fire.

Whatever rubs your boat!

Don't put all your worms in one barrel because it might be more than you can chew. 

You know I'm just pulling your lamb.

If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!

They need to get all their ducks in one sock.

We don't want to go barking up a dead horse.

We're going to come out of this smelling like geniuses!

The ball is squarely on our shoulders.

The best way to learn is from the school of Fort Knox.

Make sure you cross your p's and q's.

Throw that monkey back over the fence.

She really rubs me up the wrong tree.

Well, I'm just busier than a one-armed naked man.

You're nothing but a P.I.G. hog.

He had all of his ducks in one sock.

I've just got my feet in too many pies right now.

This thing is about to grow legs and take off.

Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one bad potato?

If we do that we'll open up a whole new wormhole.

Will everyone stop misundermining me!

I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting.

He was slow as Moses.

I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!

My arms were knee-deep in mud.

'I see,' said the blind man to the fly.

We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right one.

Hey, don't eat the messenger!

It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that we should be concerned.

Historical Truths (part 2)

• When tea was first introduced into England, people threw away the liquid and ate the leaves, seasoned with salt and pepper.
• The Duke of Wellington had one of the hooves of his horse Copenhagen that he had ridden at Waterloo sawn off and made into an inkwell.
• In 1618, King James I, King of England, decreed that people could do certain sports after church worship on a Sunday.[Puritans later burned James's declaration.]
• Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain. - Pierre Trudeau [former Prime Minister of Canada]
• In September 2001, the Democratic Republic of the Congo discovered that it had 21,652 civil servants on its payroll who did not exist.

·        In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.  Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint. 
Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' 

·        As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

·        In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

·        Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions.. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt.
Hence the expression 'losing face.'

·        Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

·        At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts'.
Hence the term 'minding your 'P's and Q's '

·        In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon... There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.

·        However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

·        Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'  All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you!

Advanced Stress Management Techniques

If suffering from stress it may be difficult to react as this writer below suggests and make these comments in real life; however, they are quite amusing when read:

•    When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
•    Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
•    Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
•    I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 28 years.
•    Allow me to introduce my selves.
•    Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
•    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
•    Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.
•    I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
•    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
•    I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
•    Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
•    You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
•    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
•    Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
•    Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
•    Earth is full. Go home.
•    Is it time for your medication or mine?
•    How do I set the laser printer to stun?
•    I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.