A Guy Goes Into A Bar

A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hi, Mitt!"

A giraffe walks into a bar. "Sorry", said the barman, "We don't serve Heineken here."

A Los Angeles Dodger races into a bar. The bartender throws him out. (substitute your "favorite" team/player)

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says "Those horse-face jokes are mean and insensitive. What'll you have?"

An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host." 

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

John Mellencamp walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The man says, "I'll have a 'Jack and Diane'" 

A guy walks into a bar with a piano entertainer, sits down and orders a beer. The piano player's monkey soon jumps on the bar and urinates in the guy's beer. The guy yells to the piano player, "Hey, do you know your monkey just peed in my beer?" The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I might remember it!"

A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says, "Why the short face?" 

Louie Armstong walks into a bar in Tibet where the high priest is the bartender. Louis says, "Hello, Dahli!"

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a woman at the end of the bar. The man says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and I'd like to buy a drink for the douchebag at the end of the bar. The bartender says, "OK, but you shouldn't talk to a woman like that." The bartender asks the woman what she would like. The woman says, "I'll have a vinegar and water."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"

A crow walks into a bar wearing a pearl necklace. He orders a drink. "I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", says the barkeep. "What do you expect with basic black?", says the crow.

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!

A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa? 

A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"

A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!"

A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it!

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared.  

A Kabbalist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse."

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

An old lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A scraggly old drunk staggers over, takes one look, and says, "Jeeeez, that's the UGLIEST thing I ever saw!" The woman turns her nose up at him and says, "This happens to be a stately creature! Go away, you horrid man!" The old drunk yells, "Lady, I was talkin' to the duck!"

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

An astronaut walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and then peppers him with questions about his job. Finally, the frustrated space man says, "Heh! I'm trying to relax here! Give me a little space!" The bartender answers, "Is that Uranus your Saturn on?" (thanks to Anthony L. Lorenz)

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."

A drunk walks into a bar pulling a huge anchor chain. The bartender says, "What are you doing, dragging that huge chain into my bar?" The drunk says, "Did you ever try pushing one?" 

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

An inkjet cartridge walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Are you sure you don't need a refill?"

A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws him out. 

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"  

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

A urologist walks into a bar and sits down. "What'll ya have?" the bartender asks. "That Depends. I'm kinda of pissed off today." "Well," says the bartender, "why don't you go with the flow and order a light beer. That way you can recycle your own refills." The urologist answers, "Oh, not to worry, I can afford to buy everyone here a drink." "Oh," says the bar keep, "then urine in the money?"

A dead battery walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Are you positive you want one?" the bartender asks. The dead battery answers, "Yep! and charge it too!"

A monk, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey! Is this some kind of joke?"

An older gentleman walks into a bar with an attractive, 21 year old girlfriend on his arm. As he orders their drinks, bar patrons in yell "Pedophile! Pedophile!" in jealous anger. The bartender says, "Don't mind them, they're just envious." The gentleman says, "Okay, but they are completely ruining our 10th anniversary!"

A man walks into an English pub and orders a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. The barman says "that will be 80p."

Infinity mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half of a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer. The bartender rolls his eyes and pours two beers and says, “Here, you guys work it out.”

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

A Higgs-Boson walks into a church. The priest says "Higgs-Bosons aren't allowed in here." The Higgs-Boson says, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

A parasite walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve your kind in here." The parasite says "well you're not a very good host."

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve neutrinos in here." The neutrino says "Naw, I was just passing through."

A doctor walks into the bar and orders an MRI. The bartender asks, "What's an MRI?" The doctor says,"More Rum Inside." The bartender mixes him up a strong rum drink, sets it down in front of him, and says, "That will be $250." "What!" says the doctor, "why so expensive?" The bartender answers, "That's the deductible."

You Know You're from Canada When...

You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

You head south to go to your cottage.

You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

You find -40 degrees (celsius) a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

You can play road hockey on skates.

You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You know what a "vendor" is, and you have said "Grab me an Extra Old Stock for last call. I'm going to hit the vendor, and we can head back to my place."

You find it interesting to guess the gender of the person under all those clothes.

Skinner's, Kelekis, Salisbury House, Bridge Drive-In, and perogies from the church basement are all you need to survive. And the vendor - don't forget that.

Manitoba is so flat that, on a clear day, you can see the back of your own head.

You've caught a 50-pound channel catfish, and thrown it back. Too small. Who wants a muck-raking, scum-sucking bottom feeder unless it has a Law degree?

Good times? Meat Bingo. Don't ask.

Winnipeg is one of the only places in Canada where you can walk into a shop, be greeted in French, reply in English, and have the clerk switch linguistic gears seamlessly with no snark at all.

Enter the Festivale de Voyageur beard growing contest, and you don't have to shave for an entire year.

You can buy a 1-bedroom condo in the heart of downtown Winnipeg for about $60,000 (Canadian dollars). You can get a fixer-upper starter home for less than the price of a new luxury car.

If you get your car stuck in the snow, passers-by will help you push it out without having to ask them. It's reflex.

You know (from experience) that when a frostbite warning says "exposed skin may freeze in 1 minute or less", they mean it.

You know what the little electrical plug in the grill of the car is for.

You are surprised when you move to a different province, because places where people aren't cooped up for months have really crappy musicians.

You've eaten a Skinner's hotdog, a Goog Special from the BDI, a cheese nip from the Sal's, and washed it down with an Extra Old Stock. You know that a Fat Boy is a burger, that bannock is useless without beans, and that the best perogies come out of church basements.

The Future - As Seen In 1960 

 

1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"

5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in Gone With The Wind, it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it."

11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

12. "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

18. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore. Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

21. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kids ever talk back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."

22. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"

23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."

24. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."

27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."

28. "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."

32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."

33. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."

34. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. These kids think money grows on trees."

35. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."

 

Employee evaluations

               Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations: 

1.      "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2.     "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3.     "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

Women seeking men

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
 

40-ish means: 48

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate means: Possessive

Artist means: Unreliable

Average looking means: You figure this one out

Beautiful means: Pathological liar

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

Educated means: College dropout

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street

Free spirit means: Substance abuser

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun means: Annoying

Gentle means: Comatose

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her

Humorous means: Caustic

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Light drinker means: Lush

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel means: If you're paying

Loves Animals means: Cat lady

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Open-minded means: Desperate

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable means: Frumpy

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

Self-employed means: Jobless

Smart means: Insipid

Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

Tan means: Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

Writer means: Pompous

Young at heart means: How about the rest

Quaylisms

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse
with those people."-- J. Danforth Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother andchild."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." --Vice President Dan Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. Ididn't live in this century."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,though.]

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice
President Dan Quayle

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements
in the Future."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Public speaking is very easy."-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --
Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan
Quayle, 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

TO DO IN SPACE STATION

The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station

Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.

Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.

Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!

Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.

When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.

Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.

Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).

Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.

Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.

Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.

WHEN I'M A LITTLE OLD LADY...

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.

To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!

Getting older

Getting older

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen

Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love

to hear them say "you don't look that old."
*****************

The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.

*******************

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.

********************
When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
----------------------------------------------

.Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
----------------------------------------------------------
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------

Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.

The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom, wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'

*********************

(And this final one especially for me,)
Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
And, Your hand over my mouth!

SOME INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT EASTER

When is Easter Sunday

• 2012  8th April
• 2013 30th March
• 2014 20th April

Easter Sunday celebrates the day when Jesus Christ was resurrected.  On Good Friday, Christ was crucified and then buried.  But on the third day, he rose from the dead.  Thus Easter Sunday is the most important date in the Christian calendar, far more important than even Christmas day - Jesus' birth.
Fewer than one person in a thousand could tell you how the date for Easter Sunday is determined and thus explain precisely why Easter falls on a different date each year.  While many people will tell you the moon was a factor, few realize that the vernal equinox plays a crucial role in the calculation.
This simplistic calculation for 'When is Easter' works for most years:
1) Start your calculation from the Vernal Equinox, which is usually on March 21st.
2) Consult a diary to determine the next full moon.  Easter falls on the following Sunday.
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As mentioned earlier, Easter Sunday is set by the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20).  Here's the interesting info.  2008 was the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives! And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!). And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier! Here's the facts:
1) The next time Easter will be as early as March 23 will be the year 2228 (200+ years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that!).
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 (275+ years from now). The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than March 23rd 2008.

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• Palm Sunday is always on the Sunday before Easter.
• Good Friday is two days before Easter (Christ arose on the third day).
• Mothering Sunday (UK) 3 weeks before Easter
• Ash Wednesday, which marks the start of lent is 46 days before Easter.  The calculation of 40 days for lent discounts Sundays, thus explaining the discrepancy between 46 and 40.  There is also 'Shrove Tuesday' otherwise known as 'Pancake Day'.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In times gone by, Easter bonnets [spring bonnets] were commonplace.  People liked to dress up in their finest clothes for the festival.  Women would consider it a matter of pride to buy a new bonnet for Easter, the frillier and more luxurious the better.
This appears to be in many ways a reaction to the ending of the Christian period of Lent.  During Lent, many Christians deny themselves luxuries.  So when Lent ended, going out and buying an Easter bonnet was an enjoyable way to greet Easter.  Spring time in general represents an end of the deprivations and restrictions of winter.
Easter bonnets were also worn in the Easter parades that used to be more common than they are today.
The heyday of bonnet wearing in the US was probably the 1930s. In his song "Easter Parade," Irving Berlin includes the following lines:
'In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it,
You'll be the grandest lady in the Easter Parade.
I'll be all in clover and when they look you over,
I'll be the proudest fellow in the Easter Parade.
On the avenue, Fifth Avenue, the photographers will snap us,
And you'll find that you're in the rotogravure*.
Oh, I could write a sonnet about your Easter bonnet,
And of the girl I'm taking to the Easter Parade.'
The song also went on to be featured in the 1948 movie "Easter Parade". In recent years the custom of wearing Easter bonnets has rather declined.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Fortunately these extra nuances only come into play every 20 years or so.
For 2000 years it is the Church that calculates when Easter falls.  They are the sole arbiters of this date. Their calculations fix the Vernal Equinox at March 21st, even if astronomically, it falls on March 20th.  Moreover, the ecclesiastical full moon is always 14 days from the ecclesiastical new moon.  This may vary by one day from the astronomical full moon.
There are two more variables.  The international date line may potentially cause the full moon to fall on different days in different parts of the world.  Finally some Eastern Churches use the Julian calendar instead of the more modern Julian calendar, this factor produces the biggest practical difference in the determination of Easter.
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WHAT SOME PEOPLE THINK ??

(PART 3)

• Have you noticed that there is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
• And there are no hogs in Hogmanay.
• And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
• Quicksand only works slowly.
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
• Barking: Thought to be named after the London suburb, home to a former asylum site; hence 'Barking mad'.
• Binge: A bout of uncontrolled indulgence.
• Blighty: A word much loved by RAF types in WW2.  Originally from the Hindi word "bilayati" meaning foreign.
• Blimey: Could be shorthand for "God, blind me."
• Chum: A "chummy" used to be a chimney sweep's assistant.
• Cuppa: First used for tea by PG Wodehouse, the playwright.
• Dear: From an old English word, "deore", meaning "much loved."
• Grotty: Sixties Liverpool slang.
• Jolly: From an old French word meaning "festive".
• Slag: Derived from a 16th century German word meaning "dross".

AND ONE JOKE

DIVORCE vs. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up tothe pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can'tgive you cyanide to killyour husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throwboth of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,

"You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."