YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF ...
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket
Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um
You order your business cards in " half orders " instead of whole boxes
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie
You get really excited about a 2 % pay raise
You learn about your layoff on CNN
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined
You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive
It's dark when you drive to and from work
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else
Communication is something your group is having problems with
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple
Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital
Art involves a white board
You're already late on the assignment you just got
You work 2 0 0 hours for the $ 1 0 0 bonus check and jubilantly say " Oh wow, thanks!
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read only by your co-workers
Your boss' favorite lines are, " When you get a few minutes " or " When you're freed up "
Your boss' second favorite lines are, "... this isn't exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed.
Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January
Your relatives and family describe your job as " works with computers "
Change is the norm
The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
You read this entire list and understood it.
The Vacuum Cleaner CEO
The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself.
He pulled up to an old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $ 2, 0 0 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $ 7 0 0 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.
" Good morning, said the well-dressed and impeccably groomed CEO. " If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
" Get lost, Mister fancy suit! said the old man. " I haven't got any money " and he proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.
" Don't be too hasty! he said. " Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.
The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the CEO emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.
" If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder. I am the CEO! You have my GUARANTEE!
" I got a better idea " said the old man, " If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls. Your nice suit, your tie, your shoes, everything!
" Fine, sir! said the CEO confidently. " I'll give you my clothes!
" Lemme ask you somethin', pal... Where are you goin' when you leave here?
The CEO answered very confidently : " To a VERY important conference! WHY?
" Will they let you in if yer barefoot? said the old man.
" Of course not! said the CEO.
" How much did you pay for those socks you'v got on? asked the old man.
" Fifty dollars " said the bewildered CEO.
" I ain't never worn fifty dollar socks before! said the old man. " It will be kinda hard for you to wear overalls to work, I guess! said the old man.
" WHAT?! said the confused CEO.
" And will you show how me to tie a necktie? said the old man...
One hour later, the door of the apartment opened, and the CEO carefully looked out. Seeing that no one was around, his foot appeared.
A bare foot.
He stepped out into the hallway - dressed only in overalls and bare feet. His expensive executive suit and tie had vanished, along with his confidence and dignity.
The old man watched him run away to his car with a grin, admiring the expensive pinstriped suit and silk tie he had just acquired. He then sat down and pulled on the CEO's fifty dollar socks and gleaming shoes.
" Now I gotta see about payin' that electric bill...
The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition
# 1 Once you have their money... never give it back.
# 3 Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
# 6 Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
# 7 Keep your ears open.
# 8 Small print leads to large risk.
# 9 Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
# 1 0 Greed is eternal.
# 1 3 Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
# 1 6 A deal is a deal... until a better one comes along.
# 1 8 A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
# 1 9 Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
# 2 1 Never place friendship above profit.
# 2 2 A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
# 2 7 There's nothing more dangerous than an honest business man.
# 3 1 Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother... insult something he cares about instead.
# 3 3 It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
# 3 4 Peace is good for business.
# 3 5 War is good for business.
# 4 0 She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.
# 4 1 Profit is it's own reward.
# 4 4 Never confuse luck with wisdom.
# 4 7 Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
# 4 8 The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
# 5 2 Never ask when you can take.
# 5 7 Good customers are as rare as latinum - treasure them.
# 5 8 There is no substitute for success.
# 5 9 Free advice is seldom cheap.
# 6 0 Keep your lies consistent.
# 6 2 The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
# 6 5 Win or lose, there's always Huyperian beetle snuff.
# 7 5 Home is where the heart is... but the stars are made of latinum.
# 7 6 Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.
# 7 9 Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
# 8 2 The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
# 8 5 Never let the competition know what your thinking.
# 8 9 Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what...
Texas Salesman
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.
" Have you ever been a salesman before? the boss asked during his interview.
" Yes, I was a salesman in Texas, the lad answered.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. " I'll come and see how you made out after we close up, the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. " How many sales did you make today? the boss asked.
" One, said the lad.
" One? said the boss, obviously displeased. " Most of the sales people on my staff make 2 0 or 3 0 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?
" Exactly $ 1 0 1, 3 4. 3, said the young man.
" How did you manage that? asked the boss, flabbergasted.
" Well, said the lad, " this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 2 2 - foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1 - ton pickup truck.
" You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook? the boss asked in astonishment.
" He didn't come in to buy a fish hook, the Texas boy explained. " He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, ' Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing. "
How to sell everything
One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by making them feel they needed the items. " Watch this, he said and approached a man who has just entered the store. " May I help you, sir?
The man replied, " I just moved into my first house and I need some fertiliser for my lawn.
So the supervisor said, " Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertiliser. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag.
" Why is that?
" The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag won't, the supervisor answered.
" Fine, the man agreed, " I'll take the ten-pounder. " Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?
" Rake? What do I need that for?
" Well sir, said the supervisor authoritatively, " if you don't rake up the old dead grass before you spread the fertiliser, it won't all reach the soil.
" All right then. I'll get the stiff rake.
" Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or the oscillating sprinkler with that?
The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, " Sprinkler? Look, I just came in here for some fertiliser. What do I need a sprinkler for? Calmly, the supervisor responded, " Well sir, if you water your lawn immediately after fertilising, the fertiliser will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all, you'll have the greenest lawn in your neighbourhood.
This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler. " OK, then. I'll take all this.
" Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that, asked the supervisor.
Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the supervisor. " LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertiliser. You've already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!
Calm as ever, the supervisor said, " Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then you'll be all ready to start trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and you'll be the envy of all your neighbours! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and you're going to need it either way.
Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there before he bought anything else so at last he relented. " Fine. I'll get the electric mower, but that's it!
" Very good sir. I'll ring that up for you.
After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor turned to the trainee and said, " So, do you think you could do that? The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor directed him towards another customer.
The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, " May I help you sir?
The man replied, " Yes. I need some tampons for my wife. Well, the trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He can't imagine what he could offer the man to go along with that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he had it! " Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?
" Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here looking for tampons. Why the hell should I get a lawnmower, too?
" Well sir, the trainee answered, " I figure your weekend is shot, so you might as well cut the grass.
Getting Out of Work
I won't be coming to work today because :
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
1. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.
3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
4. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen's.
5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
8. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian
Go to Work Naked?
1. Your boss is always yelling, " I wanna see your ass in here by 8 : 0 0!
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
4. " I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add " Exotic Dancer " to your exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
1 0. Gives " bad hair day " a whole new meaning.
1 1. No one steals your chair anymore
Government Workers
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, " T-square, do your stuff!. T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, " Slide Rule, do your stuff!. Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, " Measure, do your stuff!. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 1 0 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, " What can your dog do?. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, " Coffee Break, do your stuff!. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
I Love My Job
I love my Job
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work : I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
in lovely white coats to take me away
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