Men's English

I'm hungry = I'm hungry 

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy 

I'm tired = I'm tired 

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 

Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 

May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! 

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you 

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this 

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question 

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? 

I love you = Let's have sex now 

I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we'd better have sex now! 

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before 

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! 

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me 

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys 

(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! 

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech...

1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.

2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.

3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.

4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."

5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.

6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.

7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.

8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.

9. Affirmative action.

10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.

11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.

12. Oprah.

13. Feminists.

14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.

15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.

16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.

17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.

18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear anybody calling me back.

19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"

20. This is my dick. I'm gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.

21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.

22. Women sportscasters.

23. Women congressman.

24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad -- see #66)

25. Marge Schott.

26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).

28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"

29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.

30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.

31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.

32. I don't care if you're in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.

33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.

34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.

35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don’t need to talk)

36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.

37. That damn apple.

38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.

39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.

40. Rosanne. Nuff said.

41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.

42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?

43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.

44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.

45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.

46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk when she talking.

47. Nothing should come out a woman's mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!

48. The Mute button only works on the TV.

49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.

50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.

51. Equality is for math.

52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.

53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.

54. Marcia Clark.

55. Chick-flicks.

56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?

57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.

58. Michael Jackson.

59. Silence and sex make a great combination.

60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.

61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.

62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.

63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.

64. High phone bills really suck.

65. Women should be seen and not heard.

66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?

67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).

68. Because they're not men.

69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.

70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.

71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.

72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?

73. Women on radio? You can't see them, do you really want to hear
them?

74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?," shut the fuck up.

75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.

Man slamming list of lists!

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have testicles.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why don't men eat more M&M's?
They're too hard to peel.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
Gifted.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

What do men and bottles of beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!!!!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything!

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Because they're stupid.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.