How To Screw Up An Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of
those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. 

If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?"I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.

15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Dating in College

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody is horny.

2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you," and "You're cool," mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you have sex with me?"

3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love. In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.

4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.

5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.

6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's an orgy or pretty close to it.

7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by . . . or if he does call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.

8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last.

9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names.

10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather . . .

Laws Of Work

·        The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

·        If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

·        A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

·        Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

·        It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

·        After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

·        The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

·        You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

·        Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

·        When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

·        If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

·        There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

·        Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

·        Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

·        Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

·        To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

·        Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

·        Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

·        If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

·        You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

·        People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

·        If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

·        At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

·        When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.