SATURDAY JOKES

Some fishing terms

Ten common fishing terms explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

Catching the fish

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

I have good news and bad news

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Is she feeling any better?

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

What should I do then?

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

The prison hospital

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

How much will this cost me?

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Doctor! I swallowed a pillow!

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Letters from charities

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.

The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

Would you please do me a favor?

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball gam

I can't find the cause of your pain

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

An invisible man is here to see you

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

Bad temper problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Will I live any longer?

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

People are ignoring me

A patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!

I want to lose some weight

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

A doctor is complaining to a mechanic

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

Can I play the piano once these are off?

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."

A man with a glass eye is here to see you

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Get a heart transplant

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

Confucius

·        Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.

·        If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

·        Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

·        He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

·        Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

·        Couple on seven-day honeymoon make whole week.

·        Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

·        Girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.

·        Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

·        Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy -- feeling nuts.

·        Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.

·        He who run behind bus get exhausted.

·        Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

·        He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs. 

·        "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time." 

·        "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam." 

·        "Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."

·        "Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!" 

·        "Work to become, not to acquire." 

·        "Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard." 

·        "A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose." 

·        "Find old man in dark, not hard!" 

·        "Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose." 

·        "Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache." 

·        "Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."

·        "Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk." 

·        "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."

·        "He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser." 

·        "Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" 

·        "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it." 

·        "Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed." 

·        "Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary." 

·        "Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons." 

·        "Those who quote me are fools." 

·        "Man who drive like hell bound to get there!" 

·        "Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!" 

·        "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" 

·        "Man who sit on tack get point!" 

·        "Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!" 

·        "Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!" 

·        "War not determine who's right, war determines who's left." 

·        "Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"

·        "Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth." 

·        "Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag." 

·        "Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face." 

·        "Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly." 

·        "Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day." 

·        "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night" 

·        "Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing." 

·        "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok" 

·        "Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time." 

·        "Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent

 

Actual letters to the council

 

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt out my knob off

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from
the wall

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant

8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become expectant mother

10. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is funny colour and not fit to drink

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now its in three pieces

14. Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old pensioner and need it straight away

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night

19. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and
satisfy my wife

20. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction

21. We are getting married in September and would like it in the  garden before we move into the house

22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

Laws of Human Nature

·        "The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. 

·        "The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist. 

·        "The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 

·        "The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 

·        "Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look. 

·        "Law of Impossibility" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 

·        "Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 

·        "Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense. 

·        "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets. 

·        "Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug. 

·        "Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor, but you can hold on to the grass and try not to fall of the edge of the world.

Confucius

• Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.
• If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
• Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
• He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
• Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
• Couple on seven-day honeymoon make whole week.
• Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.
• Girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.
• Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.
• Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy -- feeling nuts.
• Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
• He who run behind bus get exhausted.
• Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
• He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs.

Cowboy Wisdom

• If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
• There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shutup.

Bumper stickers

.

• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
• I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Keep honking, I'm reloading.
• Hang up and drive.
• Lord save me from your followers.
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
• Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
• Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
• Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

* You ski uphill.

* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

* You speed walk in your sleep.

* You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

* You answer the door before people knock.

* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You sleep with your eyes open.

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

* You lick your coffeepot clean.

* You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* You chew on other people's fingernails.

* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

* You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

* You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

* You can jump-start your car without cables.

* All your kids are named "Joe."

* You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

* You don't sweat, you percolate.

* You buy milk by the barrel.

* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

* People get dizzy just watching you.

* When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

* You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.

* People can test their batteries in your ears.

* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."

* Instant coffee takes too long.

* You channel surf faster without a remote.

* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

* You get drunk just so you can sober up.

* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

* Your Thermos is on wheels.

* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

* You short out motion detectors.

* You have a conniption over spilled milk.

* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

* You don't tan, you roast.

* You don't get mad, you get steamed.

* Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.

* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

* You can't even remember your second cup.

* You help your dog chase its tail.

* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

* You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."

* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Important

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.